Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Electshunned!

In the voting booth,
With nothing but hopes and dreams
I write-in myself.


A week? Its been a week already? Time certainly flies, doesn't it? Let's see... what happened since last week?

Obama got elected. That ain't bad. There's a certain feeling of ease that has saturated the area around me. I wouldn't pin that completely on Obama's President-electedness, as I think the election season tends to get people down after the twentieth month or so, but Obama's win definitely plays a part. He makes people smile. And not those "I'm embarrassed by you" smiles, either. That's a nice change.

You know who else won yesterday? Ted Stevens in Alaska and Michele Bachmann in Minnesota. Some people will truly go out of their way to impress me with their ridiculousness. I am astounded.
Did the news just not get to Alaska that Ted Stevens was convicted on seven counts of making false statements? Do they not have the same series of tubes up there that we have down here? And is the 6th district of Minnesota that nostalgic for the good old days of McCarthyism? Maybe the folks that voted for Stevens didn't want to be one issue voters. "Sure he might be going to jail, but this election is about the issues!" Likewise, maybe Bachmann's supporters just didn't like the idea of being represented by "El Tinkle." (That's Spanish for "The Urine.") What do I know?

In other news, my dog drank two cups of coffee yesterday. That may sound mild compared to Obama winning, but get this:
He took both cups, which were sitting on a table in my living room, into the back room of the house without spilling a drop. That's talent. If I can get him to do that for a reality

TV show, I'll be a millionaire!

Well, I should be off. Things: they need to be done. Like what, you ask? Like Today's Joke!
State girds for recount in Coleman-Franken battle
Republican Sen. Norm Coleman declared victory for a second term from Minnesota, even as the state this afternoon explained how it intends to recount nearly 3 million votes cast in his battle with Democrat Al Franken.
Coleman added that Franken should abandon any pursuit of a recount, saying that "the prospect of overturning [the necessary] votes is extremely, extremely, extremely remote."
Coleman then added that at a cost of 3 cents per ballot, the recount could become very costly for taxpayers. "You don't want to waste all that money on a silly little election, do you? Think about the taxpayers, Al!"
Upon hearing from a Franken spokesperson that the recount would not be halted, Coleman waved his hand from side to side and said, "these are not the votes your looking for." He then jingled some keys, trying to distract the Franken camp from the election. Finally, in one last act of desperation, Coleman had his wife "do a little dance" while he snuck out the back with the ballots.

Hooray!


Later!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Absentia!

The heart grows fonder
With the absence of one's love.
Whatev. Here's a blog.


Oh my goodness. It's been quite the while since I posted last. What, two weeks? Seventeen days? Over half of a month?
Who's counting, really?

Apologies for the grand delay in entries. Every day, I think to myself, "I should st down and craft a missive for posting on the blogger." Almost immediately thereafter, my brain shuts down at the thought of the hundreds of things that I need to do around the house. Laundry. Dishes. Writing for the BNW. Feeding the baby. Feeding the pets. Feeding myself. Pooping. Let's face it, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Sacrifices have to be made.

As far as the kid is concerned, things are going very well. She keeps getting bigger and eating more and more, which is exactly what is expected. At night, the wife and I are entertained by sleep. We don't really have time to enjoy it, but at least we get to stop by for a moment and say hello. If either of us sleeps for more than three hours in a row, it's considered a successful night. Those are rare.
There's one thing that makes it all worth it: the kid is practicing her smiles. She can't do them all the time, nor can she hold them for more than a moment, but when she's smiling, everything is A-OK.

Other than parenthood and numerous trips to Target, the rest of my time has been claimed by the BNW. We've begun putting together the holiday show. I know that I say this every time, but this little puppy is looking to be quite the laugh-riot. There have been several scripts presented that were so funny, they almost reversed cancer. Mark your calendars. Come mid-November the BNW is going to become a haven for life-saving comedy. I promise.

(Speaking of BNW-type things, we've been podcasting. You know this, right?)

Well, I should be off. My five minutes of free time are quickly expiring. I'd say that I'd be coming back to regular posting, but we all know that would be a lie.

Ooh! If you're looking to celebrate Halloween the right way, then you'd better show up at the BNW Thursday night at 8 pm for Creature Feature and the Survivors of the Undead Plague. It's not Halloween without this show!

What's this? Today's Joke!
Top Republicans call for Sen. Stevens to resign
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has joined other top Republicans in calling for convicted Sen. Ted Stevens to resign.
Earlier on Tuesday both members of the Republican presidential ticket -- Sen. John McCain and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin -- as well as other Republican senators called on Stevens, R-Alaska, to step down.
Sen. John Ensign, the Nevada Republican who heads the National Republican Senatorial Committee, also issued a strongly worded statement Tuesday.
"I am disappointed to see his career end in disgrace," Ensign said. "Sen. Stevens had his day in court and the jury found he violated the public's trust -- as a result he is properly being held accountable."
To further entice the embattled Senator to step down, various members of the Republican Party have offered assorted kitchen appliances, a new hi-def television, a free fishing trip, and other goodies to Stevens upon his resignation.

Huzzah!


Later!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Vegass!

You can have it all
In the city of neon...
You just can't keep it.

As I write this, I'm facing my final few hours in Las Vegas.

Wait! What?

My older brother and his lady-friend got hitched this weekend in the den of sin that is known as Las Vegas. I came along for the ride for three reasons: 1) it's my brother; 2) I was the officiant; and 3) I had only spent two hours in Vegas prior to this weekend and decided, as a man of the world, that I should probably examine this city closely over a forty-eight hour time span. And to clarify - "this city" is really defined by "the Flamingo hotel and the sidewalk immediately outside of the Flamingo hotel."

This is what I've learned:
1 - I hate people. The thing that brought this to light was witnessing a middle-aged couple converse with complete strangers on the shuttle from the airport to the hotel. These people, who had known each other for roughly twenty seconds, were making crude jokes with each other and telling them life secrets (in loud voices) without the slightest hesitation. Obviously, the concept of "stranger danger" was not drilled into these people's heads in elementary school, resulting in a thirty minute party-bus-like experience when all I wanted was to silently enjoy my trip from point A to point B.
Bah humbug.

2 - Of all the people there are to hate, Jimmy Buffet is the worst. This realization came to me when, shortly after arriving at the hotel, my brother, his soon-to-be wife, and a few of their friends decided to get dinner... at Margaritaville. What's that? You think it's fun to have members of the waitstaff on stilts for no reason? You think it's awesome to show a thirty-minute loop of live Jimmy Buffet concerts, complete with footage of "Parrot Heads" drinking themselves to oblivion and a cover of "Werewolves of London"? You think it's "rad" to charge $13 for a turkey burger? Sorry, Jimmy, but I hope you choke on your cheeseburger in paradise.

3 - Roulette is still the cruel, cruel mistress that I remember from several years ago. Damn you, roulette. How I love you. How I hate you.

4 - All casinos should have Pussycat-Doll-esque go-go dancers. Once the sun set outside the Flamingo, two lingerie-clad whore-mobiles would climb up upon a platform in the center of a bank of blackjack tables and gyrate away for the duration of the evening. The most fascinating part of this is that everyone (everyone!) would stop and stare at the dancers. Men, ladies, fathers, mothers, Puritans, Asian grandmothers... the wriggling of the well-waxed lady-hips captured the attention of everyone nearby. After a few minutes of gawking, each on-looker would scan the room at the other patrons with a look of wild disbelief. Then they would look one more time, just to make sure.

5 - All casinos, especially those with hotels, should also have shower curtains for their showers. This is a fact that I have learned the hard way. I look like a real jerk in the shower.

6 - (This is tied in with point #4) Everyone likes a nudie show. Sure, plenty of people will say that they don't, but they do. It's a plain and simple fact. Deal with it.

7 - If you go gambling with a group of people, it is a certain fact that everyone but you will come out ahead. I'm not quite sure how this works, but I've put in plenty of time and money to arrive at this conclusion. Therefore, if you must gamble - do it alone. You can thank me later.

There you have it. Seven observations about Las Vegas. Now you don't have to make the trip out here.
I'd probably have more thoughts about the city in general if I attempted to walk down the strip or take in a few of the other sights, but the grasp that the Flamingo had on me was a tad too strong. Damn you, gaudy pink decor!

I should be off. My flight leaves in a scant eight hours. That leaves me just enough time to hit the floor for one more run at the penny slots. Alone.

No joke for today. I'm pretty sure the jokes will return someday, but this ain't that someday.

Later!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Angerfied!

These colors don't run
Because they're just too damned proud
And stupid to run.

Even with the arrival of my daughter, there are still a few things that can get the old cranky professor up out of bed and in front of the computer, ready to fill a missive with a tenuous anger that almost irks the bile of the interwebs. Sure, this all could be a projection of hatred caused by the Cubs' complete collapse in the post-season (Come on! Really? You're gonna lose the first two games of the series? Fine. Whatever.) but still, there are a few items that need addressing. Here goes:
1) The Veep debates. People are giving Palin credit for being able to participate in the debate without completely breaking down into tears. Fuck that. How about giving Palin credit for answering the questions that were posed to her? Oh, she didn't - even going so far as saying "I'm not going to answer that question. I'll talk about our energy plan instead." This wasn't a speech, Palin. It was a debate. Wherein you're expected to answer the questions posed. If you can't do that, then you fail. Simple.
And if you want to talk about your energy plan, then you really shouldn't talk about a plan that does little to wean the American people off oil. I'm pretty certain that drilling for oil in the outer-continental shelf and in ANWAR isn't going to do a whole lot to a) cut down on greenhouse gas emissions, b) give the American market incentive to look to alternative fuel sources, or c) actually get us out of the crisis we're currently in. We need a champion for change that considers ideas beyond using depletable natural resources. Of course, that champion also needs to understand the cause of the climate crisis, something Palin also fails to do.
What's even more disturbing is the number of people that liked her "straight talk" and "down-home-ness," because she says things like "darn right" and "doggone it." Haven't we learned our lessons from having a "down-home" leader? Why does it seem that the people that want leaders that are more intelligent than the average citizen are in the minority?
One last thing on Palin: I'm not quite sure how she can call herself "middle class" when her estimated assets are over $1 million. Seems to me that she's at least upper-middle class...

Sorry for the pointed ranting about Palin. She just frightens me so much.

2) The bail-out bill. This has already turned into a long-ish blog, so I'll keep it short. The original draft of the bailout bill was three pages long. The bill that the House killed was just over 100 pages. The bill passed by the Senate? 450 pages. Most of that is extraneous "sweetener" that adds an extra $120 billion to the cost of the bill. It also includes the Energy Improvement and Extension Act of 2008, the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addition Equity ACt of 2008, and the Heartland Disaster Tax Relief Act of 2008.
In an economic bailout bill.
Fuck you, Senate.

I'm going back to cuddling with the baby.

No joke for today.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Birthdayd!

The end of a year,
Or the start new year?
Who gives a shit? Cake!


Well, another birthday has come and gone. In the past, these things, these birthdays used to be week-long celebrations. For seven days, the only topics of conversation that I would agree to discuss were cake, presents, and the fact that Old Country Buffet is the adult Chuck E Cheese (instead of countless games and fun, you get countless chicken wings.) This year, however, things changed. For the first time in thirty-one years, my big day snuck up on me. Right around midnight on Wednesday, I realized, "Dang! I'm about to get older!" And then I did.

I guess the lack of sleep, constant attention to the kid, and LEGO Batman all conspired against me this year. Really, I should have expected it and planned ahead. My loss, I guess. I'll just have to make up for it next year and increase the celebrations by another week. Be prepared.

I did want to take a moment and say "thanks" to all of the web-based birthday wishes that came my way, including the video shout-out I got during a weather forecast. You really know how t make a fella feel special.

I should be off. There's no Today's Joke because, frankly, the kid's starting to smile, and I'm not gonna miss that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Joshtastic!

My dreams have come true.
For one short moment, I was
A rock and roll star.


Last night, the BNW went to the Ivey awards, which is the Twin Cities theater community's chance to remind the Twin Cities theater community how great the Twin Cities theater community is. In regards to the awards: In some ways, I agree with the importance of celebrating the work done here in Minnesota. In other ways, I find it ridiculous to masturbate for that long. Theater folk do not change the world with their plays. Sometimes that little fact gets lost in all the hugs and clapping.
Anywho, the main reason I was at the Ivey's was to assist Josh (and Bobby) in a performance of the Obama Song. Really, all I did was stand on stage and pretend to play a fake guitar while those two sang and actually played real guitars. It was pretty neat to be waiting in the wings watching Josh rock the house. To be honest - he didn't rock the house. He destroyed it. Well done, Eakright. May the Twin Cities theater community shower you with candy treats for years on end.

Bobby - you were a delight.

Speaking of impressive Joshes, Josh Carson filled in for Mike in The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero last Thursday with only four days notice and absolutely killed. It was darned impressive and deserves more than just this shout-out. Well done, Carson. May the BNW theater community shower you with candy treats for years on end.

In other news, there's a cell phone coming out in October that might give the iPhone a run for its money. It's called the G1 and runs on Google's new Android OS, which is an open-source interface that allows for user-created apps and has strong ties with Google Maps, GMail, Google Talk and many other things Google. I believe that, as a modern-day father, it's my duty to own one of these. I've got to stay hip if I don't want to embarrass the daughter, right? Now if only I can convince the wife that my four-month-old cell phone is obsolete and broken...

Well, I should be off. The kid should be waking up soon, which means another urine bath is coming my way. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Western Wis. farm turns manure into water
The owner of a large, western Wisconsin dairy farm is turning manure into purified water.
Emerald Dairy in St. Croix County has hundreds of cows and generates a lot of waste.
Owner John Vrieze says his separation system filters and purifies water in the manure so it's clean enough to drink.
Because Emerald Dairy is the first agriculture operation to try this, Vrieze has been trying for 30 months to get the state permits he needs to discharge the water into the environment instead of his manure lagoon. It would reduce by half the amount of manure that has to be spread on fields.
Department of Natural Resources water specialist Dan Bauman says that the state permits have been delayed because of Vrieze's insistence that the manure-turned-water be called "H-Pooh-Oh."
"Every time this issue comes up," Bauman explained, "the department becomes overwhelmed with nausea. It's tough to get things done when people are throwing up on the permit applications."


Huzzah!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Catchupting!

The hours zoom by
Each day bleeds into the next.
When did I bathe last?


Apologies for the complete lack of missives this week. I would say that it was unexpected and abnormal, but I don't believe that's the case. The wife and I are taking advantage of our time with the kid and are enjoying spending each of her waking moments trying to figure out why she's crying. Being that the wife has a few months off from work, I'm guessing that this trend will continue and that days will fly by without even the thought of crafting a blog entering my mind. You understand, don't you?

Today marks my return to the BNW stage in a super-special Thursday night performance of The Lion, The Witch, And The War Hero. It's been almost three weeks since I last uttered lines from the show, so there's a decent chance that, halfway through tonight's performance, I'll start reciting lines from some other BNW show, or maybe even Magic Is A Lie. I might also begin delivering my lines in a high-pitched voice, using elongated vowels, as that's how I've been communicating with Sophie for the past two weeks. What I'm getting at is that if you want to see a man self-destruct on stage, tonight just might be your best opportunity.
As an added bonus, Josh Carson will be in for Mike Fotis tonight. I'm excited to see the antics of Mike as portrayed via the antics of Josh. It should be a true delight!

Well, it appears as though the baby is stirring, which means the crying will start shortly thereafter. I'd better get to Today's Joke before it's too late...
Biden says paying higher taxes gives wealthier Americans a chance to be patriotic
Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden said Thursday that paying more in taxes is the patriotic thing to do for wealthier Americans.
Under the economic plan proposed by Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, people earning more than $250,000 a year would pay more in taxes while those earning less — the vast majority of American taxpayers — would receive a tax cut.
Noting that wealthier Americans would indeed pay more, Biden said: "It's time to be patriotic ... time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut."
The McCain camp immediately responded to Biden's statement. Said one representative, "There's nothing patriotic about paying higher taxes. To be honest, a true patriot would find loopholes and other ways to avoid paying taxes. That's the true American way."
To that end, the McCain camp has sent a pamphlet entitled "How To Defraud the IRS" to each of its supporters.


Huzzah!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Thoughtulary!

My new alarm clock
Has a gentle, loving scream
And no snooze button.

Apologies for the irregularity of the daily missives. I hope you understand, but getting through a day requires a day and a half of pre-planning, and then, once the day begins, it all goes to hell before you can even get out of bed. Case in point: the wife and I decided yesterday afternoon that we would take a trip to Target today at noon. Even with the extended notice, we didn't even get set to leave the house until 1 pm. Luckily we didn't experience any diaper dilemmas during the trip as we were ill-prepared for anything but a poop-free journey. As it turns out, the wife has a couple of visitors that are doting on the baby. Thus, I have a free moment to transcribe some thoughts. Lucky you.

Thought 1: That little girl is the best thing in the world. Even at three in the morning, getting peed upon for the second time that night, she still makes me smile.

Thought 2: I can't believe I've been peed upon so many times this week. Hell, so many times today.

Thought 3: I should really be sleeping right now.

Thought 4: It's weird that I've been away from the places I normally haunt. I've stopped by the BNW for only a moment in the past week, I've eaten in for every single meal, and the walks with the dog have been remarkably short (mostly because the dog wants to get back to the baby. I'm not kidding about that.) I'll be back to real life sometime soon, I'm certain. Hopefully I'll get a haircut first.

Thought 5: Seriously. I should be sleeping right now.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Minn. primary cues 1st statewide recount since '62
Minnesota election officials are preparing for their first statewide recount since 1962 after a close finish in a primary race for state Supreme Court justice.
Two candidates seeking to challenge sitting Justice Lorie Gildea were separated by less than one half of 1 percentage point. It could require the manual review of more than 400,000 ballots, said John Aiken, a spokesman for the Secretary of State.
Aiken said the recount will begin next Wednesday, the day after the state canvassing board meets. The election officials have to overcome the shock of so many people actually voting for a Supreme Court Justice.
"Seriously, people," Aiken said, "you're just supposed to leave those spots blank. Don't you know how elections work?"


Yay!


Later!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Babythanks!

There is no haiku.
The baby has pooped on it
Unfortunately.


Goodness gracious. It's been quite the weekend. My head is still spinning at what's happened since late Thursday night...

Anywho, I just wanted to post a little missive about the birth of our daughter Sophia. She was born at 7:07 pm on Fri. Sep. 5th. at 8 pounds, 8 ounces, and 21.5 inches long. All in all, she is the best thing in the world.

The second best thing in the world is all the support we've gotten here on the blog. We appreciate all of the comments, phone calls, text messages and flowers that have been flooding our various technological devices. Thanks.

The funny thing about parenthood is that, before it happens, everybody feels it necessary to dole out words of wisdom, both negative and positive, whether they're parents or not. The even funnier thing is that all of those words of wisdom are true, but the positive ones are truer than the negative one.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to go stare at my little girl some more. Perhaps I'll also sleep.

No joke for today. My snarkiness is on vacation.

Later!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Failin!

Throughout the ages
One truism has lived on:
We all like poop jokes.


Apologies for the delayed blog. There is no baby at the root of my procrastination. Well, not directly. The wife and I did start the say at the doctor with a a weekly check-up, just to make sure all was well and good (it is!) After that, we visited the Minneapolis Institute of Arts to take a look at their collection. For a free museum, the MIA has an unbelievably large collection. After two hours, we saw maybe 30% of their art. That ain't bad!

The best part about the trip to the museum is that I saw a piece of art (in the "modern" section that a) I liked and b) is easily duplicated. It's just some painted wood on differently-painted wood. I have the ability to paint, and I have the ability to hammer or glue (or both). Thus, I might just be spending the rest of the day visiting the hardware store and obtaining the tools necessary to replicate someone else's creativity. It appears that the baby isn't planning on entering the real world anytime soon, so I've got the time. Plus, this project will hopefully keep my mind off the anxious waiting that I've come to know and love these past few days.

I whould probably be off. Before I depart, two things:
1) Sarah Palin is f-ing crazy. How so? According to the AP:
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin told ministry students at her former church that the United States sent troops to fight in the Iraq war on a "task that is from God."
In an address last June, the Republican vice presidential candidate also urged ministry students to pray for a plan to build a $30 billion natural gas pipeline in the state, calling it "God's will."

What the hell? How crazy do you have to be to think that a war and a pipeline are all in God's big plan? For an all-knowing being, it's kind of strange to think that God would want an unending war and the continual raping of our planet. But whatevs.
On the plus side, I'm hoping her supporters pray so hard on election day that they forget to go out and vote. A guy can dream, can't he?
2) Sarah Palin is even more f-ing crazy than I originally thought. Again, according to the AP:
At the National Governors Association conference where she first met John McCain, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin had other business: making her case to Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne against classifying the polar bear as a threatened species.
Months later she sued Kempthorne, arguing that the Bush administration didn't use the best science in concluding that without further protection, the polar bear faces eventual extinction because of disappearing sea ice as the result of global warming.
In her 20 months as governor, Palin has questioned the conclusions of federal marine scientists who say the Cook Inlet beluga whale needs protection under the federal Endangered Species Act.
She has defended Alaska's right to shoot down wolves from the air to boost caribou and moose herds for hunters, and — contrary to a view held by McCain — is not convinced that global warming is the result of human activity.

Where did you learn that, Sarah Palin? When you were president of a city council? When you were runner up to Miss Alaska? Did you secretly become an environmental scientist while the kids were at hockey practice?
This is just plain frightening.
3) Here's Today's Joke:
Jesse Jackson hospitalized overnight after complaining of stomach pains; says he feels better
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was hospitalized and undergoing tests Thursday after complaining of severe stomach pains.
Doctors told him he has viral gastroenteritis but were conducting more tests. The 66-year-old civil rights leader said he was feeling much better Thursday morning but wasn't sure when he would be released.
Jackson said he was campaigning for Sen. Barack Obama and doing voter registration in Georgia when he began to feel ill after apparently becoming dehydrated.
"It felt like someone cut the nuts out of my stomach," Jackson told reporters.
Jackson continued to say that after he was released from the hospital, he would work to have the word "gastroenteritis" stricken from the English language.

Hurrah!


Tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Dueism!

I'll prove I love you
By driving you to the park
And sexing you good.


There's a story behind today's haiku (which is abnormal). The wife, the dog, and I were walking around the local lake yesterday. We had had our fill of nature and were heading back to our car. An old SUV was parked near our car. The front windows were rolled down on the SUV. In the back seat? Some sweet, sweet man/woman action. Growl! There's nothing like a little parking lot lovin'!

Anywho, today is the official due date for the baby. According to the doctors and ultrasound technicians, the kid should be ready and willing to make her arrival. However, that appears to not be the case. The womb might just be a little too comfortable for her, as she is showing no signs of departure.
This, of course, is not a surprising thing. Only 5% of people are born on their due date, and those 5% all turn out to be mid-level managers. It's a fact!

That being said, it appears that today will be another holiday for the wife and I. We're planning on visiting a museum because we can. That won't be the case in a few days from now.

Well, I should be off. I need to press my finest museum-going suit before today's activities. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Affidavit outlines plans for chaos
Almost a year to the day before the Republican National Convention began, members of a self-described anarchist group gathered to talk about ways to disrupt it, including kidnapping delegates, sabotaging air vents at the Xcel Energy Center, blocking bridges and "capturing federal buildings" in Minneapolis and St. Paul.
Unbeknown to the RNC Welcoming Committee, two police informants and an undercover investigator had infiltrated their ranks, according to an affidavit and search warrant application filed Tuesday. The informants and investigator accessed group e-mails, attended meetings, talked strategies with members and participated in camps and workshops.
The RNC Welcoming Committee held two "pReNC" gatherings, one from Aug. 31 through Sept. 1, 2007, and another on May 3. At the first, 150 to 200 people -- including one of the informants -- talked about tactics to "shut down the RNC." Some tactics included using Molotov cocktails and chemical-filled balloons to cause destruction to RNC property. Other tactics were focused on containing the police and keeping them from protecting the delegates.
One RNC Welcoming Committee even suggested removing the letter "R" from the English alphabet, reasoning that "there can't be an RNC without an 'R'."


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Summend!

Summer's last hurrah
Finally burned itself out.
Tomorrow? Snow storms.


Well, Labor Day has come and gone, the unofficial end of summer has passed, and now we're all getting set to watch the days shorten and the temperatures drop. The lazy days of kicking around and letting life happen have been replaced by the busy days sitting up and waiting for life to happen. Exciting.

However, with the wife out of work on maternity leave and no actual baby to maternity, today has just become another holiday of lounging around and installing car seats. That being said, I'm going to keep today's missive short. I have coffee to drink.

I do want to mention, however, that I think I just found my kid's first cellphone. Adorable and necessary!

Anywho, I'm out of here. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Evangelicals rally behind Palin after pregnancy news
Key evangelical leaders rallied to Sarah Palin's support Monday amid news that her 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, was having a child.
Palin and John McCain oppose abortion and have supported promoting abstinence in schools, which would seem to make Bristol Palin's pregnancy an inconveniently timed development.
But she is keeping the child, a fact that could make the Alaska governor -- whose candidacy has been enthusiastically embraced by evangelicals who regard her as one of their own -- even more popular among that key GOP voting bloc.
"Fortunately, Bristol is following her mother and father's example of choosing life in the midst of a difficult situation," Family Research Council president Tony Perkins said. "We are committed to praying for Bristol and her husband-to-be and the entire Palin family as they walk through a very private matter in the eyes of the public."
"Sure, if Palin was a Democrat, we'd be railing against her family's lack of Christian morals and their failure to abstain from sex until marriage," Parkins continued. "But the Palins are different. A little elephant told me so."

Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Falsinate!

We all know the truth:
We're not at our computers
Reading these haikus.


No blog for today. It's sunny, there's no work to be done, and the nation's eyes are glued to the news outlets because of Gustav. There's no need for a missive today.

Go have a hot dog.

Tomorrow!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Distractionism!

A wave of maple,
An assault of buttermilk:
Pancake invasion!

We've made it to Friday. According to the fine doctors and mid-wives at the local hospital, this just might be the last child-free Friday of my life. I fear that I'm going to spend the rest of this day just trying to wrap my head around that.

What I need is a distraction. I'll be consumed by baby stuff soon enough - it doesn't need to start quite yet. Instead, let us look to the internets to find items of interest and intrigue...

- It's not often that one can get excited over a faucet. It's not as though we all look forward to cleaning dishes and/or our teeth. However, it is easy to get excited for a samurai sword, as we all look forward to slicing the limbs off our opponents. Fortunately, someone has realized that the samurai sword could help the faucet's poor reputation and has introduced the samurai sword faucet. Of course, if I ever installed this faucet, I'd have to figure out how to dye my water supply blood red...

- If there was room for a car seat in it, I'd certainly by this working model of Luke Skywalker's landspeeder. Sadly, no matter how cool it looks, I don't think the wife would take kindly to me strapping the kid to the hood.

- Speaking of babies, isn't it unfair that we have to cart them around from here to there without any sort of payment? Well, that parental slavery is coming to an end with the introduction of Dad's Cab, which is a toy taxi meter that rewards the driver by giving the passengers different chores in exchange for motoring them around. You can't spell "family" without "reciprocation."

Oh, crap. I went and babied this missive right up, didn't I? Well, I'd better stop before it gets any worse. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke. It's as un-baby as can be.
Stowaway Afghan spider kills family dog
The family of a British soldier serving in Afghanistan has been forced from their home after a poisonous spider hitched a ride back with him and apparently killed their pet dog.
Lorraine Griffiths told the East Anglian Daily Times that the spider appeared after her husband, Rodney, returned from a four-month tour of duty in Helmand province, the arid southern Afghan frontline in the fight against Taliban extremists.
She said their pet dog Cassie confronted the creature, which they identified on the Internet as a camel spider, but ran out whimpering when it hissed at her.
"It seems too much of a coincidence that she died at the same time that we saw the spider," she said.
The desert-dwelling camel spider, actually an insect rather than an arachnid, can run up to 25 kilometers (15 miles) an hour and reach 15 centimeters (6 inches) in length. Its bite is not deadly to humans but can kill small animals
Lorraine Griffiths and her three children, aged 18, 16, and 4, moved out of their house in Colchester, southeast England, and are refusing to return until the spider is apprehended, the UK Press Association reported.
The spider, nicknamed "Ospider bin Laden", is assumed to have taken up residence in deep recesses of the Griffiths' home. The US military has sent in several hundred troops to find and exterminate the bug and will continue to occupy the house for years on end to make sure no other camel spiders attempt an attack on the family.

Yay!

Bonus!

McCain picks Alaska gov as running mate.
John McCain tapped little-known Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate on Friday in a startling selection on the eve of the Republican National Convention.
While McCain's camp is saying that McCain picked Palin because they want to make a very strong bid for the women whom they see up for grabs, others are saying that McCain picked the female governor because he "just wants to drill the governor's 'wildlife reserves'."


Huzzah!


Monday? Tuesday?

Soon!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Olympiern!

The finest of sports
Brings out the finest of men
On the finest drugs.

I, like most of you, I imagine, am going through severe Olympics withdrawal. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, longing for some steeplechase or synchronized diving. I want to see a war-torn Bob Costas delivering his seventeenth straight hour of dealing with Bela Karolyi. I need just one more Saturday afternoon watching one person's dreams get crushed while another person's dreams come true. I think we all need that.

To make matters worse, I just found out that two Chinese boys had the luxury of driving radio-controlled cars to transport javelins, shot puts, and discuses (disci?) around the track and field stadium. Why NBC didn't devote an entire day to those two lucky kids is beyond me. Had I known that during the track and field events, these tiny vehicles were tearing it up on the grassy lawn in the middle of the stadium, I would have purchased a Tivo just to make sure I caught all of their cameos on national television. I've already mailed out my application to be an RC car driver for the 2012 Olympics in London. It's my Olympic dream.

Anywho, I should be off. I've got an appointment to get the Olympic rings tattooed onto my chest. I need to show London that I'm dedicated to my dream. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
'Misleading' U.K. iPhone Ad Pulled
The U.K.'s Advertising Standards Authority has banned an iPhone ad because the agency said the claim that the handset can access "all parts of the Internet" is misleading due to the lack of Flash and Java support.
The commercial in question shows a person using the touch screen to flick through various Web pages.
"You never know which part of the Internet you'll need," A voiceover in the ad said. "The 'do you need sun cream' part? The 'what's the quickest way to the airport' part? The 'what about an ocean view room' part? Or the 'can you really afford this' part? Which is why all the parts of the Internet are on the iPhone."
Two viewers complained that the ads were misleading because the handset does not have Flash or Java support, which are integral to popular sites like YouTube.
The banned ad has been replaced by another commercial featuring a person using the touch screen to flick through various adult Web pages.
"You know exactly which part of the Internet you'll need," A voiceover in the ad said. "The 'pictures of naked ladies' part. Which is why all that part of the Internet is on the iPhone. Screw Java support. We've got boobies."
Sales of the iPhone have since quadrupled since the new ad was released.


Huzzah!


Friday!


Psst! Tomorrow is jam-packed with activity that will leave me no time to blog. Apologies. I'll leave it up to you to read Google News and craft your own jokes.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Gruity!

My heart is racing,
My teeth aching from sweetness:
I bathe in candy.


Everyone has a favorite candy. It's a simple fact of life. In fact, some people have several favorite candies: a chocolate-based kind, a gummy kind, a hard kind, etc. For most of my life, I've always considered Good & Plenty to be my personal fave. I'd buy a pound of Good & Plenty from the local candy store and eat them whilst the other kids watched in disbelief. Something about the candy shell and the black licorice innards made sense to me and my tongue.

Of course, Good & Plenty had a sibling named Good & Fruity which replaced the black licorice innards with red licorice innards. That slight change made Good & Fruity the preferred Good & candy for the majority of the candy-eating populace. I enjoyed Good & Fruity, but not as much as the unique taste of the Good & Plenty.

Hershey's stopped making Good & Fruity in the mid-1990's. I didn't notice, as I spent the entirety of the 1990's shoving Good & Plenty into my mouth whenever my sweet-tooth called for it. However, that old maxim proved correct and, after a while, absence made my heart grow fonder. I wanted Good & Fruity. I missed Good & Fruity. I needed Good & Fruity. Sadly, I could not have Good & Fruity. It was little more than a faded memory, and faded memories are tough to eat.

Thus, when I saw a box of Good & Fruity sitting on the shelf in Target over the weekend, my eyes began to sparkle with delight. That faded memory was back, and this time, it brought hope.

I ripped into the box of flavored candy within moments of leaving the store. The well-known candy shell was there, but the red licorice that made Good & Fruity unique was gone. In its place was a core of sugary sugar. These were not Good & Fruity. These were mislabeled jelly beans. Worse than that: these were remembrances of childhood that had been taken out back, beaten to death, and replaced by impostor remembrances. Not that I'm bitter. I just wanted some red licorice in a hard candy shell. Is that too much to ask? If I wanted jelly beans, I would have gotten jelly beans. I wanted Good & Fruity. I did not get Good & Fruity. Instead, I got a mouth full of rage. That's not a happy treat.

What it all boils down to is this: if you have a box of Good & Fruity from 1992 or earlier sitting around, I'd be happy to take it off your hands.


Anywho, I should be off. That's enough candy-related ranting for today. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
A New Judge Joins ‘Idol’ Panel
“American Idol” is adding a fourth judge: Kara DioGuardi, a songwriter and producer. Ms. DioGuardi, 37, will join the current panelists — Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson — in the round that begins taping on Tuesday in New York and will be broadcast on Fox beginning in January. The addition of Ms. DioGuardi is part of an effort to revitalize the six-year-old show, whose ratings have been slipping slightly, especially among younger demographics.
“We are turning the heat up on ‘Idol’ this year,” the show’s creator and executive producer, Simon Fuller, said in a statement. "Simon is the mean one. Paula is the nice one. Randy is the supportive one. Kara will be the slutty one that sleeps with the contestants. We at 'American Idol' recognize that talent alone usually doesn't make you famous. It takes more than ability to make it in this business. It takes sex appeal. This season of the show will prove that, and Kara will be just the girl to fill that hole. I mean that both literally and figuratively."

Huzzah!


Tomorrow!


Psst! According to Wikipedia:
The pink Good & Plenty candies are colored with a red dye called K-Carmine that is produced from the bodies of the female Cochineal beetle. (Citation needed.)

Delicious!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Fartherhood!

As the sun rises
The bus speeds down city streets
Racing from our dreams.

Goodness gracious, I'm a sleepy me! This morning started off with a 5:30 alarm and a little bit of Bussy Monday at 6 am. The morning's obligation? To entertain an auditorium full of junior high and high school teachers with improvisational antics. The end result? Success. However, this morning's activities have left me with the same sort of exhaustion that I imagine marathon runners feel. No. It's probably even worse than marathon exhaustion. Probably.

Anywho, I'm going to make today's entry short and sweet, as my brain is threatening to cease all functions unless I get to a couch post haste. Thusly, let's get to it.

The wife and I are nine days away from the suggested date of babydom. That fact hit us yesterday (when we were ten days away) pretty hard. We only need fingers to count the rest of the days. Our gallons of milk will expire after the baby is born. I might not wash these jeans until after I've held the kid in my arms. Crazy.

Sorry.

Cah-ra-zee!!!1!

That's more appropriate.

Those that haven't gone through the pregnancy process (or haven't read extensively about it) have mentioned repeatedly that the kid is just a heartbeat away: one moment I'll be performing in a show or writing a blog, and the next moment, I'll be on the way to the hospital, telling the wife to take deep breaths and just hold on until we get there. The funny thing is that, while Hollywood has done a good job of promoting that as the normal birth process, labor actually takes much longer than fifteen minutes. Odds are that we won't be in the middle of a supermarket when her water breaks, and it's even less likely that the baby will force her way out before we can leave the frozen foods aisle. Chances are that the wife will begin to feel small contractions that slowly get more powerful. Then, some seven or eight hours later, we'll start thinking about going to the hospital. Once there, a lot of work has to be done before the room is filled with the sounds of Bozic 2.0. That's quite the opposite of the "instant daddy" image that many people have. Sure, sometimes labor is fast and furious, but that's a vary rare occasion.
Just to be certain, however, the wife and I won't be setting foot in a supermarket for the next couple of weeks. Why tempt fate, right?

I should be off. My body is slowly shutting down. Hopefully I won't wake up with my offspring staring at me in the face, asking "where were you?" with her little baby eyes. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Iraq's al-Maliki demands 'specific deadline' for all US troops to leave
Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said Monday no security agreement with the United States could be reached unless it included a "specific deadline" for the withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq.
Last week, U.S. and Iraqi officials said the two sides had agreed tentatively to a schedule which included a broad pullout of combat forces by the end of 2011 with a residual U.S. force remaining behind to continue training and advising the Iraqi security forces.
But al-Maliki's remarks Monday suggested that the Iraqi government is still not satisfied with that arrangement. An aide to the prime minister said Monday that Iraq remained adamant that the last American soldier must leave Iraq by the end of 2011 — regardless of conditions at the time.
Al-Maliki claims that the demand to have American forces sat a pull-out deadline are based on his desires for Iraq's full sovereignty, although the White House claims that Iraq recently got its hands on a bottle of whiskey and is just waiting for the withdrawal to throw a house-party.
"We've seen the IM's that Iraq has sent to Kid and Play," said White House spokesman Tony Fratto. "We're onto you, Iraq. We'll be watching you."


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Attentionated!

In dusk's golden hue
We all become kings and queens
In backyard kingdoms.


Oh my goodness! It's a Friday! A weekend of excitement and adventure waits for us to step away from these computers and come along for the ride. Where will the weekend take us? If you're lucky, it'll take you to the BNW for the election show and After Party. If you're unlucky, it'll take you to Death Race, which is sadly and unexpectedly getting panned by the critics. That's a real shame.
Anywho, this weekend's not going to show up quite yet, so let's read a blog!

This morning was spent in front of a photo camera getting snap shots and video shots taken for this whole After Party business. Some of those photos just might end up on the After Party's facebook page. If you're on facebook, you should check it out. Become a fan. Post a comment. You know: prove how hip you are via the interface of a social-networking website. Why not?

This afternoon? Why, this afternoon will probably be spent trying not to purchase a chococlock. What's a chococlock? Why, it's a clock that delivers a piece of chocolate at noon and midnight. I can't believe that I've lasted this long without one. However, I know that if a chococlock ends up in my house, there will be an all-out fist fight every 11:59 between me and the wife.
Perhaps I'll instead get myself a WiiFit balance board and rig it up to walk around the world with Google's Maps's Street's View. That seems like a decent way to spend an afternoon.
Heck, that would actually be a great way to burn off the calories from the chococlock...
Let's be honest: all of my free time this weekend is going to be spent playing the Star Wars: The Force Unleashed demo on my XBox. Sure, it's only ten minutes long and I've already played it seven times in a row. It's Star Wars, and it's not terrible. That's all I need.

Anywho, I should be off. Those stormtroopers aren't going to to get picked up and thrown across the room on their own. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
FDA: Agents can seize penis rings at borders
Penis enlargers and constricting rings to maintain erections can be seized at U.S. borders, U.S. regulators said Thursday, citing inadequate safety labels.
The devices have inadequate directions for use and can have harmful effects.
“Basically, the labeling of these devices falsely states or implies they will treat impotence, prolong erection, and increase the dimensions of the penis,” the FDA said in the new notice.
The FDA expects that nobody ever will even think about complaining about this new regulation.


Hey-oh!


Monday!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Jokular!

Where have my sticks gone?
They were stolen late last night
And shoved into foods.


First off: Yes. I saw this. You should know by now that my fingers have the ability to just start hitting keys on my computer keyboard until I land on items such as this. I don't need any sort of advanced warning - my fingers just know what to type. Now I need to buy some yarn and find someone to make this for me.

All right. With that out of the way, it's time for more important matters: the MN state fair begins today. For the next twelve days, thousands of Minnesotans will crowd into a small area in oppressive heat, eat a number of fried foods, and listen to free concerts from Gypsy Mania. I, for one, cannot wait to attend the fair. It always leads to a day of remarkable sights. Also: apples. Apple cider. Apple crisps. Apple sundaes. Caramel apples. Apple tarts. Apple sauce. Damn. I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.

Anywho, I need to get off to the store to buy my black socks, sandals, and REO Speedwagon t-shirt for this year's fair-going experience. I'm not sure when I'm going to get there, but it will happen. It's destiny. Before I depart, three things:
1) McCain not sure how many houses he owns
Please note: this is not a Today's Joke. I'm not even certain if this is funny or not. I just thought it should be posted to remind you how much McCain is just like you and me, for a number of reasons.
2) Today's Joke!
FDA allows food producers to zap spinach, lettuce with radiation to kill food-poisoning germs
The government will allow food producers to start zapping fresh spinach and iceberg lettuce with just enough radiation to kill E. coli and other dangerous germs, a key safety move amid increasing outbreaks from raw produce.
The Food and Drug Administration has determined that modern irradiation techniques kill food-poisoning germs without compromising the safety or nutrient value of raw spinach and lettuce.
The FDA does warn, however, that a diet overabundandt in irradiated greens may lead to swollen biceps, loss of use in the right eye, various speech impediments and rashes on the lower arms that take the shape of anchors.
3) Yesterday's Joke!
Afghanistan's first Olympic medalist wins cheers from Afghans, a house from the president
Rohullah Nikpai defeated world champion Juan Antonio Ramos of Spain on Wednesday to earn the bronze medal in the men's under 58-kilogram taekwondo competition, sparking applause, wide smiles and laughter in homes, restaurants and ice cream parlors around the country.
"When I saw that he won, I jumped up and hugged and kissed my son," Gayezabi said. "I was crying."
President Hamid Karzai immediately called to congratulate Nikpai. He also awarded him a house at the government's expense, said Humayun Hamidzada, the president's spokesman.
To make it feel even more like home, the US Army has agreed to shell it with mortar rounds for a week straight.


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Beggered!

We'll be best of friends
If you follow this one rule:
Give me some money.


Well, MPR has finally done it: they've crossed the line of ridiculousness. I was doing my part to help the American economy yesterday by driving around the town in my car with no particular destination. A man's voice came over the MPR airwaves and spoke to me. He said that I enjoyed MPR (insomuch as I was listening to it at that moment.) He said that past generations have enjoyed MPR (which explains why it's still on the air.) Then, using the power of induction, the man predicted that future generations will enjoy MPR.
That's where his tone changed.
The man then stated his worry about MPR not being around for the enjoyment of future generations. It costs a lot of money to make radio, and the only source of income (sorta) for MPR lies in the pocketbooks of the listeners. The man knew that MPR's listeners look forward to the donor drives and the chance to write checks to the station once every season. But what happens when we die?
The man had an suggestion for that: include MPR in your will.

Is it not enough, man on the radio, that MPR bugs its listeners for money in life? Do you really need to go after those that have passed away? Is there MPR in the afterlife? I'm sorry, man from MPR, but I can't take you seriously if you're asking for money from the recently deceased. I've been there before. There's nothing but shame there. Nothing but shame.

Anywho, in other news, I took in Tropic Thunder yesterday. It's a funny little satire about Hollywood. It gets a bit clunky at times, but it's not without a good number of chuckles and laughs. And yes, Robert Downey Jr. is fantastic throughout. FOTi.

I should be off. Today's a busy one. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Rolling tub on Nicollet Mall being used to draw attention to brain injuries
Folks at Hennepin County Medical Center are taking a most unusual approach to raise awareness about the prevention, recognition and treatment of traumatic brain injuries: They are rolling a bathtub replete with a shower stream down Nicollet Mall.
Actors clad in robes and slippers will accompany the tub as it travels between Peavey Plaza at 11th Street and 5th Street until 2 p.m. today. The purpose is to call attention to the leading cause of traumatic brain injuries: falls, said HCMC Spokeswoman Christine Hill.
The promotion is a preview to Thursday's Brain Bar, an interactive kiosk which will be set up from 11 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. in Peavey Plaza in downtown Minneapolis. There, experts from HCMC's Traumatic Brain Injury Center will talk about how the brain works and answer questions about brain injuries.
The event is expected to be almost as popular as the STD-awareness campaign from the early 1990's, in which people had unprotected sex in the bus lanes of Nicollet Mall to remind people of the dangers of having unprotected sex.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!


Psst! Just so you know, tomorrow's missive might be absent. A corporate show is taking up a good chunk of my day. Preemptive apologies!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Frownulate!

Those silver linings
That we all look forward to
Still come with storm clouds.


There are a lot of really great things happening these days. It's a lovely summer, the Olympics are on, I've got a baby on the way, the BNW podcasts are back (after a short hiatus), and the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus (in 3-D!) DVD comes out tomorrow. These are all great reasons to have a smile plastered on your face.
However, as the classic theme song reminds us, you take the good and you take the bad. There are a few items of note that will test even the most optimistic of folks. I hate to do this, but I feel that you should be aware of these things.
1) Pandora might be closing up shop. If you're not familiar with Pandora, it's a lovely free(!) website that expands your musical tastes based on artists and songs that you like. Sadly, the record industry wants money for the songs that Pandora plays. Being a free website, you can imagine that this business plan won't hold water. It hasn't happened yet, but it sounds like Pandora will soon be on its to the far recesses of our memories. Get over there and spend some time with it while you still can.
2) If you're anything like me, you spent some of your childhood at slumber parties with your friends, eating pizza, watching scary movies, and staying up until after 10:30 at night. If you're parents were anything like my parents, the pizza you ate was from Little Caesars because it was cheap. Well, Little Caesars is back, with several locales throughout the south-metro area, and their pizza is still as cheap as can be. Sadly, there's a reason the pizza is so cheap: it's the worst thing I've eaten since... well, probably since the last time I had Little Caesars. What makes matters worse is that when I bit into my first slice, I remembered that I never looked forward to slumber party pizzas. Then I remembered that I never really liked the scary movies that we watched at those slumber parties, and that staying up until after 10:30 always resulted in a crabby me the following day.
With one simple bite of pizza, my fond recollections of my childhood were shat upon.
The moral? Don't get Little Caesars.
3) The Death Star is invading San Fransisco. That's a real bummer. San Fran is a nice place. It'll be tough to see it evaporated.

There you go. These happy times certainly have their dark side. I hope that I didn't sour your Monday beyond repair.
I should be off. I need to change clothes, as my shirt is drenched in tears. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Georgians wait for Russians troops to pull out
Hungry and uncertain, beleaguered residents in Gori and other occupied Georgian cities waited anxiously Monday for Russian forces to begin their promised pullout from Georgia after a short but intense war that shocked the West.
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has promised the withdrawal under terms of an EU-backed cease-fire agreement, but how quickly the troops will leave is unclear, as is exactly where they will redeploy. The agreement calls for troops to withdraw to positions they held before fighting broke out Aug. 7, but the troops haven't made any movement to signal their departure. According to one Russian soldier, their reluctance to leave is due to the attractive women of Georgia. "Those Moscow girls make me sing and shout," the soldier explained, "but Georgia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind."


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Bitear!

This dog-eat-dog world
Has become too literal.
My pants are bloody.


Sorry for the lack of missive yesterday. The morning was spent in a workshop at the BNW. The afternoon was spent caring for a dog that, the night before, lost part of his ear to another dog. Don't worry: all is fine with the pup. He's all sutured up and his head is covered in bandages, making him look quite like an elderly Eastern European woman. I keep expecting him to put a curse on me. You know, some sort of curse that causes me to talk him for walks all the time. Scary.
Anywho, he should be as good as new in the next week or two, albeit with a forked right ear. He's going to look so goth...

The funny thing about missing a blog post these days is that people immediately blame the forth-coming baby. "Are you a dad? Is that why you haven't blogged?" Needless to say that has happened quite yet. The kid is still safely tucked inside, punching and kicking as though she's in training for the UFC. When the big day comes, I'll let you know. I'm not sure how, but I am sure it will happen.

Anywho, I should be off. This Friday is just going to pass me by if I don't pay attention to it.
If you're looking for some good times this weekend, I heartily recommend the BNW's election show. While you're there, you might as well check out the After Party tonight at 10 as well. This week's show looks to be pretty delightful.
Also, if you like the After Party, you might also like the After Party's Facebook page. Check out the pics. They're rad!
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Georgia signs Russia ceasefire, Bush blasts 'bullying'
Georgia on Friday signed a ceasefire agreement seeking to end its conflict with Russia, as US President George W. Bush accused Moscow of using "bullying" tactics in the standoff.
"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century," Bush said, adding that Russia had damaged its credibility with the West by its offensive against Georgia.
"If you have a problem with America's stance on this issue, Mr. Medvedev, then bring it on." Bush warned.
Bush then had to be quickly removed from the room he was in as it began to collapse from the weight off all that irony.


Yay!


Monday!


Psst! Need to waste the weekend? Check out this fun game. It's fun.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Threet!

Trickle turns to stream,
Stream turns to gushing river.
Now I have to pee.


Well, for those keeping track, there are exactly three weeks left to the due date of Bozic 2.0. Of course, at this point in time, "three weeks" doesn't really mean anything. The kid could come tomorrow, or wait until mid-September (at which point she would encroach on "ramp-up to Joe's birthday" time). The "three weeks" is really just a suggestion of arrival. As it turns out, babies run on schedules similar to those of major airlines: estimated arrivals are really just estimates indeed.
We're just keeping our fingers crossed that the kid waits until after the Olympics. Without Tivo, we're at the network's beck and call for watching events. It'd be terrible to miss the handball finals just because of some silly labor.

Sorry. That was "Olympics fever" talking. I haven't eaten anything in five days to try and starve the fever, but that has just given me more time to watch the Olympics, which is making matters worse.

In other news... Wait. There is no other news. Besides the baby and the Olympics, there is nothing more. At least not for today's missive. I should get out and expand my horizons this afternoon. Yes! That's what I should do! Perhaps a walk through the sculpture garden. Or maybe an hour spent flying a kite with orphans. Those both seem like grand, blog-worthy experiences!

Sadly, we all know that I'm going to spend my free time going to Babies R Us and then watching the finest athletes in the world compete in table tennis. Oh well.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Bush expresses concern that Russia may be violating the cease-fire in Georgia
President Bush said Wednesday he is skeptical that Moscow is honoring a cease-fire in Georgia, demanding that Russia end all military activities and withdraw all its forces.
"The United States stands with Georgia and insists that the sovereignty and territorial integrity of Georgia be respected," Bush said sternly during brief remarks in the White House Rose Garden.
Bush then warned the American people to take Russia's invasion of Georgia very seriously. "It starts with Georgia," Bush said, "and before you know it, we've lost Alabama, South Carolina and most of Florida. I've seen Red Dawn. I know what's at stake here."
Bush then asked for a rag-tag bunch of teenagers to assemble and "get those Ruskies out of here."


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Oh crap!

Youthang!

The summer rain falls
And we dream about the fun
A sunny days brings.


It's a gray day out there, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Life needs its rainy days, as does my lawn. Egads, that grass is brown. I feel bad for letting so many blades wither and die, but what choice did I have? Did the grass expect me to water it? I'm no god. I shouldn't get myself mixed in with the powers of life and death. That's a matter for video games...

Anywho, my raised spirits might also have something to do with the fact that the wife and I paid a visit to the Science Museum last night and took in the Star Wars exhibit. The evening was filled with models of star destroyers, fancy space-type costumes, a short discussion with C-3PO, an attempt to build a virtual spaceport, and a moment of intense staring at the interrogation droid from episode IV. Spooky! As is the case with most boys that grew up in the late 70's and early 80's, I was certain that by the time the 2000's hit, the dreams of personal spaceships, laser swords and blasters, and helpful, British-accented robots would be realities. That didn't quite happen, but the original Star Wars movies always remind me of that innocent hopefulness, which probably explains why I've seen those three movies upwards of a hundred-kazillion times each, give or take a kazillion.
Thus, actually seeing the model rebel blockade runner that first appears in the first scene of A New Hope was quite exhilarating. I recommend checking the exhibit out.
If you're not a fan of the Star Wars, you'll still find some neat stuff, but you'll be pushed out of the way by people like me. Just giving you fair warning.

Although we don't have the cool toys featured in Star Wars, scientists are getting closer to the future. An article on CNN.com yesterday talked about researchers finally demonstrating an invisibility cloak. I think we're all in agreement about how awesome this is, especially for the junior high school boys of the world.

Anywho, I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
EU welcomes Medvedev order to halt war
The European Union welcomed Russian President Dmitry Medvedev's order on Tuesday to end fighting in Georgia and offered to help solve the crisis over the breakaway Georgian region of South Ossetia.
Medvedev confirmed in a telephone conversation with EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana that he had given the order to stop military operations, Solana's spokeswoman, Cristina Gallach, told Reuters.
This crisis is the first conflict between the two nations since 1989, when Red Army soldiers massacred Georgian protesters. Given the similarities between 1989 and 2008 increasing - Russian/Georgian conflicts, Batman and Indiana Jones movies in the theaters, masses of people gathering in Tianamen Square - I can be certain that I will be depantsed on the first day of the school year.


Hooray!


Tomorrow!


Psst! If you're looking to get your Olympics fix but don't have cable or a television, check out NBC's on-line streaming video. I'll be spending this afternoon watching handball, thank you very much.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Touchtacular!

When the world's a stage
It offers us all the chance
To practice accents.


It's a fact: I cannot get enough of the Olympics. All the free time that I had this weekend was spent flipping between the different NBC-related stations to watch swimming, fencing, synchronized(!) diving, rowing, bike racing, gerunding, volleyball, beach volleyball, badminton, and gymnastics. Every twenty minutes, the hopes and dreams of nations are put to the test. How can you not become addicted to that? There are thirteen more days of Olympics left. I imagine that by the end of those thirteen days, I'll have a floor-length beard, pale skin, and an almost murderous sense of patriotism. I can't wait!

In other news, an iPod touch made its way into the green room of the BNW over the weekend. I've been trying to not get caught up in the hype and the magic of the iPhone and other assorted Apple products as a) I don't need any of their items (sure, I want them, but that's different), and b) I already have an MP3 player, a cell phone, a laptop computer, a camera, a Nintendo DS, and a PDA (that has been very busy making sure my desk doesn't lift up into space). I don't need any more products.
At least, that's what I thought.
After messing around with the iPod touch's Google Maps program, the internet, and the various other functions (aside from the obvious "playing music" function), I found myself deep within the throes of envy. After a trip to Best Buy, I realized that dropping $400 on a shiny new toy probably wasn't going to happen. Instead, I'm going to check out those websites that offer "free ipods for free." That should work out perfectly.

I should be off. I'm missing so many Olympics right now. Before I depart, two items:
1) It turns out that I'm not the ony one blogging on the internet. George Orwell is posting missives from 70 years ago. Spooky!
2) Today's Joke:
Obama Plans Novel VP Announcement TXT
In the latest sign of how technology -- the Internet in particular -- is transforming politics, Barack Obama plans to announce his running mate via email and text message.
"Barack Obama is about to make one of the most important decisions of this campaign — choosing a running mate," Obama campaign manager David Plouffe wrote Sunday night to backers in, what else, an e-mail. "You have helped build this movement from the bottom up, and Barack wants you to be the first to know his choice
Obama has a new webpage where supporters can sign up to receive email updates. "You can also text VP to 62262 to receive a text message on your mobile phone," it says.
The webpage also allows supporters to text NOSHIRT to receive a number of photos of a shirtless Barack. Texting LOLMCCAIN will result in a downloadable picture of a sleepy John McCain saying "I can has nap?"
Not to be outdone, John McCain has sent out an army of Pony Express riders to deliver handbills to all of his supporters, asking them to crank up their rotary phones and dial Klondike 5 for a special message from the Republican.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Holympics!

With a graceful twist
And a hop into the air
We all win world peace.


It's 08-08-08! Today is a day filled with luck and athleticism, as the Olympics have officially kicked off on the other side of the world. I'm a fan of the Olympics for two reasons:
1) The Olympics offer my a chance to watch sporting events that don't usually enter the U.S. television airwaves. The pentathlon, Judo, fencing, table tennis and trampoline are all events that I'm going to watch just because I can. They're there. Isn't that enough of a reason to get excited?
2) People tend to give the Olympics weird super powers. The Olympics can turn average amateur athletes into heroes. It can bring peace to warring nations. It can remind us that Communists and Capitalists can coexist (although neither party is going to get much sleep for these next two weeks.) Sure, this is a time for watching the best of the best compete against each other in a number of different events. But it's also a time for hyperbole. That's the true draw of these games. If I'm wrong, then I will steal the gold medal from the men's Taekwondo winner and eat it.
Anywho, the opening ceremony has taken place, and now we must all strap ourselves in for sixteen days of unbridled excitement. As the kids say, "Huzzah!"

In other news, the BNW's After Party returns tonight (Friday!) at 10 pm. It'll feature some new videos, some sketches, a new song and some improvisation. Shazow! You should be there!

I should be off. My USA headband needs a little more puffy paint before I settle in for my Olympic-watching. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
China opens Olympics with pageantry, pyrotechnics
Once-reclusive China commandeered the world stage Friday, celebrating its first-time role as Olympic host with a stunning display of pageantry and pyrotechnics to open a Summer Games unrivaled for its mix of problems and promise.
Now ascendant as a global power, China welcomed scores of world leaders to an opening ceremony watched by 91,000 people at the eye-catching National Stadium and a potential audience of 4 billion worldwide. It was depicted as the largest, costliest extravaganza in Olympic history, bookended by barrages of some 30,000 fireworks.
To the beat of sparkling explosions, the crowd counted down the final seconds before the show began. A sea of drummers — 2,008 in all — pounded out rhythms with their hands, then acrobats on wires drifted down into the stadium as rockets shot up into the night sky from its rim.
Three hours later, the parade of athletes concluded with the entry of the 639-strong Chinese team, led by flag-bearer and basketball idol Yao Ming alongside a 9-year-old schoolboy who survived May's devastating earthquake in Sichuan province. The welcome — by a frenzied, chanting, flag-waving crowd that sought to cool itself with paper fans in the stifling heat — was thunderous. And moments later, the crowd erupted again when President Hu Jintao declared the games formally open.
Any people in the audience that were not cheering and applauding for the spectacle were executed immediately.


Yay!


Monday!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Teoth!

If every morning
Began with dentist visits,
We'd all kill ourselves.


Apologies for the post-morning missive. Today's normal blog time was interrupted by a trip to my dentist's office. I, like everyone else that has teeth, do not enjoy the dentist. Besides the invasive fingers and sharp instruments jammed in my mouth, dentists (and their assistants) have a natural tendency to make me feel bad about enjoying normal, everyday things like soda pop, Milk Duds, and not flossing. Hey, I'm only human! However, since the visit only happens once every six months, so I can't really complain that much, can I?
Anywho, after the initial investigation, the dental assistant said that everything looked great. At that point, my normal worries about the regular visit subsided. Perhaps this would be the visit in which they would just do a visual scan of my chompers and let me on my merry way without all of that scraping and spitting. But, while I was fantasizing about not being in the dentist's office, I must have missed the assistant say that she was going to make me bleed, because that's exactly what she proceeded to do for the following thirty minutes. I counted some twelve different "tools" utilized in the process of making every part of my mouth bleed. Egads. I think I'll still be having nightmares about that come next February...


Sadly, I should be off. Having lost a morning to the dentist, I have a lot of things to do before the sun sets itself. And before I pass out from loss of mouth-blood. Before I depart here's Today's Joke:
Packers address trade; Favre set to join Jets
Wrapping up the end of the Brett Favre era in Green Bay, the Packers held a press conference on Thursday to discuss their trade of Favre to the New York Jets.
"This is really a bittersweet time for the organization," Packers president Mark Murphy said at the news conference. "I think we're all sad to see Brett Favre's career as a Packer end."
Favre was scheduled for a tour of the Jets' new training facility in Florham Park, N.Y., on Thursday afternoon.
"I am looking forward to seeing Brett Favre in a New York Jets uniform," said Jets chairman and CEO Woody Johnson in a statement issued early Thursday. "He represents a significant addition to this franchise, and reflects our commitment to putting the best possible team on the field."
"Brett's decision to join the Jets brings our plans for assembling the best team possible closer to fruition," Johnson continued. He then revealed plans, dubbed "Operation: Golden Oldies," to bring Warren Sapp, Michael Strahan, Tiki Barber, Jerome Bettis, Jerry Rice, John Madden, Dick Butkus, and Jerry Azumah out of retirement.

Yay!


Tomorrow!


Psst! The Four Humors fellas have a lovely interview in The Rake. Good work, gents!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Infantastic!

I opened the door
And I stepped into the light
And I turned to dust.


Apologies for the lack of blog yesterday. I would like to admit that I spent all of Tuesday on an alcohol-fueled bender that took me from Rochester Minn. to Rochester N.Y. and back again, but that's not the case. My microwave would like me to admit that I spent all of Tuesday in the emergency room after crushing my chest with convenience. That would also be false. The truth is that I spent all of yesterday at the BNW. I helped in a workshop, I coached a little Six Ring, and I watched life pass by. Sure, I could have blogged somewhere in there, but I didn't. It's a regret that I'll have to live with for a long, long time.

Or until I forget about it.

Anywho, today marks four weeks left until the baby arrives. Now that the house is just about ready for a tiny little person to inhabit it, I can move on to the more pressing matters, such as: what songs should go on the baby's first mix CD? I think Modest Mouse is probably a little too dark, and the Queers might be a tad too harsh. I know I have a few track ideas laying around somewhere, but it's nowhere near a complete CD worth of music. When it comes to music that is enjoyable for both infants and non-infants alike, what comes to mind? I know They Might Be Giants are probably at the top of that list, so you don't have to worry about mentioning that. Also, I'm positive that the Star-Spangled Banner will be on the CD (first track, naturally!) so you don't need to recommend that either.
Leave any musical advice in the comments below!

Well, I should be off. With the microwave installed, I have a freezer filled with pot pies that need to be cooked. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
McCain slams Obama as "celebrity" again in new ad
Republican presidential candidate John McCain isn't letting Paris Hilton distract him from his new line of attack -- that Barack Obama is more of a celebrity than a leader.
McCain on Wednesday released a second television ad that paints Obama as a celebrity, following an earlier ad that linked his Democratic rival in the November election to tabloid staples like Hilton and Britney Spears.
"Is the biggest celebrity in the world ready to help your family?" the ad asks, over ominous music and slow motion images of Obama appearing before an ecstatic crowd.
"Are you sure you want a president that people actually like?" The ad continues. "Shouldn't the White House be reserved for the socially-awkward folks that are hard to look at or listen to? Vote John McCain and he'll keep the Oval Office out of the public eye."
Obama was too busy speaking to hordes of supporters to respond to the new ad.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Audontion!

The stairway to fame
Is covered with the marbles
Of complete failure.

This morning started with a trip downtown to do a little commercial audition. Every once in a while, I get the call to make the trip into the heart of the city and try my hand at commercial acting. And every once in a while, I remember that being a good commercial actor and being a good sketch comedy actor are not one in the same. In fact, they are quite the opposite. In sketch comedy, everything is big and one must play for the old, hard-of-hearing, partially blind lady in the back row. For commercials, you communicate your emotions, your life story, your everything with just your eyes. What does that mean? I have no idea. And that's why I am never successful at commercial auditions.
Sure, I could take a class to learn how to tell the camera how excited I am for this new type of butter with nothing but my peepers, but that seems like a lot of work. I'm not really into that.
If the commercial world isn't ready for my flailing arms and arched eyebrows, then I'll just wait until the commercial world changes its mind.

Speaking of failures, today is the last day in the war of Joe vs. the microwave. The weekend was battle-free as the unit just taunted me from its resting place on the dining room floor. Today, however, is different. Today is a day of action. Today is a day of victory. Whether that victory belongs to me or the microwave, we shall soon see. But after today, the war will end.

Anywho, I should be off. I need to put my headband on. Before I depart, two items:
- Go see Mike's fringe show. It's OK.
- Today's Joke!
Study says restaurant kids' meals loaded with fat, salt and calories
Parents looking for healthy meal choices for their children are likely to find slim pickings on the menus of the nation's top restaurant chains, according to a report released Monday by a nonprofit public health group.
Nearly every possible combination of the children's meals at Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Sonic, Jack in the Box, and Chick-fil-A are too high in calories, the report by the Center for Science in the Public Interest said.
However, parents can look to the kid's value meal names for guidance in choosing the healthiest meal for their children. Subway's "Fresh Fit for Kids" meals were rated the best, with the lowest calorie count. Burger King's "Big Kids" meal was in the middle of the pack with just over 900 calories. The meals with the highest calorie counts were Chili's "Kid-splosion" meals, Taco Bell's "El Gordo Nino," and KFC's "Lard Bucket" meals.


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Fartair!

Middle-aged women
Sweating on wrought-iron birds:
It's art fair time!


What a weekend this appears to be! The BNW's election show continues into its second week, The After Party kicks off tonight at 10 pm (only $10!), and Fringe continues its assault on the city. On top of that, there are some fourteen hundred art fairs in and around the cities, including in the heart of Uptown. The streets will be thick with suburban families trying to find that perfect collage of bird feathers and trash to hang on their wall. Getting from here to there is going to be mighty difficult. I think it's time to break out the motorized roller skates.

Speaking of middle-aged women, I logged into my MySpace account only to find the following message waiting for me in my inbox:
Hello there cutie! ^_^ I gotta be straight up and let you know: My mom was using my account to check out the site and she was really interested in your profile. She's a beautiful woman: she doesn't just sit around, she keeps herself active and healthy. Independent, intelligent, great sense of humor - she's the perfect modern woman You couldn't ask for someone better! Just don..t reply to this - you can reach her directly at ********** at yahoo. Thanks for reading!
Somehow I've crossed the barrier from getting porn spam to getting child of porn spam. I'm not sure how I feel about that, although it's certainly not a good feeling.

Anywho, I should be off. The battle with the microwave continues on. By the weekend's end, one of us will have won. My money's on the microwave.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama Strategist: McCain Camp Manufactured Race Debate
Barack Obama’s top strategist said Friday that John McCain’s campaign manufactured a racial debate when it accused Obama of “playing the race card” the day before.
Strategist David Axelrod defended the Illinois senator, saying he was just being “self-mocking” when he told a Missouri crowd that Republicans would try to scare voters by saying he doesn’t look like “all those other presidents on the dollar bills.”
“Nobody reported it as a racial comment. The only time this became an issue was when (McCain campaign manager) Rick Davis and their campaign decided to kick it up and make it a racial issue,” Axelrod said on NBC’s “Today.”
The McCain camp immediately denied those claims, stating, "“race will not have any role in the campaign, nor is there any place for it.”
The major news media outlets are preparing for a long week ahead, as each campaign accusses the other of playing the "playing the race card" card. Meanwhile, average Americans will spend the coming week trying to escape news of the political world with coverage of the coming Olympics.


Huzzah?


Monday!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tunderstrom!

The sun isn't out.
It's taking vacation time
To play some Rock Band.


Egads, it's a dreary day out today, what with the thunderstorms and gray skies and all. Fortunately, wet weather is a good thing for theater as ticket sales tend to rise when people's picnic's get rained out. To all the Fringe shows opening tonight, may your houses be packed to the brims. To all the Fringe audiences, may the rain hold off while you're in transit from one venue to the next.
My lawn is also celebrating the arrival of rain, as the past few weeks have been quite hot and dry. Grass doesn't much care for that. I know that I could have set the sprinkler out once or twice and given the yard a good soaking, but I didn't. Why? I guess deep down, I knew that if I didn't water my lawn, then the grass wouldn't grow. If the grass didn't grow, then I wouldn't have to mow it.
I'm that lazy.

Anywho, I should be off. The continuing battle with the microwave installation shall be renewed momentarily. I'm giving myself twenty minutes before I call it quits and spend the rest of the day playing Grand Theft Auto. That is, unless there's a microwave installation mission in the game. I sure hope there isn't.
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Ecuador to shut down U.S. anti-drug operation
The United States is losing access to one of its three counternarcotics bases in Latin America, U.S. military officials said Wednesday.
The Ecuadorian government has told the Bush administration it will not renew a 10-year agreement letting U.S. troops conduct anti-drug operations from Manta Air Base, an Ecuadorian Air Force installation, military officials said.
The United States has used Manta Air Base since 1999 to run aerial surveillance of the eastern Pacific Ocean, looking for drug runners on the high seas as well as illicit flights.
Ecuador notified the U.S. Embassy on Tuesday that it will not renew the agreement after it expires in November 2009, the U.S. military officials said. When asked why the agreement would not be renewed, an Ecuadorian official replied, "We had no idea how awesome these drugs were. We're going to keep this sh*t for ourselves."


Hoorah!


Tomorrow!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Projectly!

The only trouble
With using technology
Is installing it.


Apologies for the delayed blog today. I've just spent the past few hours attempting to install a microwave above our stove. According to the instructions, all that I have to do is screw a few screws into the wall and hook the microwave to it. However, before I do that, I have to trim down the cabinets that currently make their home above the stove. Also, I have to figure out why the wall behind the cabinets (where the microwave shall soon find its resting place) is all uneven. On top of that, I have to cry to the heavens above for making this such a tedious project. Bah.

Anywho, I've had enough home renovation for one day. On to other things!

Last night, the wife and I took in a showing of Get Smart at the Parkway Theater. Get Smart was one of my favorite television shows when I was but a young child, and I've been somewhat excited for the movie ever since I heard about it. Granted, I wasn't so excited that I went to see it on opening night, or while it was at a first-run theater, but still...
The movie does capture a lot of the charm of the old TV show, and it does have a few moments of honest brilliance. However, the times in between those moments tend to exist in a very unspectacular way. Those times aren't good or bad - they just are. It's hard to really enjoy a movie that spends a lot of time coasting, which is what Get Smart does in spades. I'll give it a FOT.
In related news, the first season of the old Get Smart television show comes out in August. Delightful!

Speaking of delightful, the BNW has a new sketch/improv show starting this Friday. It's called "The After Party" and starts at 10pm on Friday night. Tickets are $10 (or free if you see the Friday mainstage show.) It's a show that will change each and every week. If you're looking for some late-night hilarity, I recommend that you come check this thing out. It should be interesting.

I should be off. I need to do some meditation to relax after the microwave disaster. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Jerry Lewis detained for carrying gun at airport
Comedian Jerry Lewis was detained by police in Las Vegas late last week when airport screeners found an unloaded gun in his baggage, authorities said on Tuesday.
Lewis, 82, had a small .22-caliber handgun when he arrived at the security screening area on Friday at Las Vegas McCarran International Airport, said Officer Ramon Denby, a spokesman for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department.
The comedian was briefly detained and the gun was seized. Lewis was cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, Denby said.
Lewis never explained why he had the gun, although he did refer to it several times as his "little donation getter."


Yay?


Tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hemidity!

Screams drown out bird songs
As blade meets blade in battle.
I'm a grass killer.


The thing about the summertime heat and humidity is that all outdoor activity has to be done before 10 am, unless you have scheduled a trip to the hospital into your daily planner. I've just spent the past three hours cutting down grass blades and small trees. I had to call it quits when I looked up from my hacksaw and saw the dead members of Lynyrd Skynyrd who then asked me how far away LSU was. I wiped the sweat from my eyes and the image vanished. I'll be spending the rest of the day inside.

Anywho, this incredible heat and humidity can mean only one thing: Fringe is almost upon us. The heat generated by the nerves of young actors and directors and the sweat of their anticipation are only adding to the natural spikes in temperature. I'm looking forward to Fotis's annual "let me sit and read to you" show, as well as the Rampleseed show. There are also shows from Joe Scrimshaw, Matthew Everett, Sara Richardson and Four Humors that all promise to be excellent. I also know that there are 150+ other shows out there. What in the Fringe are you going to check out? What in the Fringe are you performing in? Shall we get a malt and talk about what we've seen? Leave a comment! Or don't.

I should be off. I need to seat myself in front of the air conditioner for a while. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Irvin Mayfield Named Artistic Director of Jazz at Orchestra Hall
The Minnesota Orchestra chose the Dakota Jazz Club rather than its own hall to introduce its first director of jazz on Monday.
Maybe that's because artistic director Osmo Vänskä got hooked on the power of jazz when he played his clarinet at the Dakota. Or maybe it's because the new jazz director, New Orleans trumpeter Irvin Mayfield, performed at the Dakota long before he played Orchestra Hall.
After accepting the position, Mayfield said, "I think there's a huge opportunity right now in a field where there's not a lot of leadership. This is something that the entire country can benefit from, especially the entire jazz industry." Mayfield then began to repeat that sentiment in different variations for the following twenty-five minutes.


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Babylong!

I will watch time pass
And enjoy the day's moments
From the couch. Pants-less.


Well, the BNW's election show has officially opened, meaning this week becomes the week in which I attempt to catch up on sleep, world happenings, and chores. Before I get to that, however, there's a little bit of blogging that I need to take care of. Here it goes!
This weekend was a big one. We opened The Lion, The Witch, And The War Hero and I've heard a lot of positive things from those that saw it. Here's to a successful run right up to the November elections!
Also this weekend, we had a big baby shower with friends and family at the BNW. I said this at the party, but to reiterate: I am amazed and moved at the generosity and kindness of everyone that was at the shower. A million "thank yous" wouldn't be enough to express my gratitude.
On the topic of babies: the baby shower this weekend has made the whole "the kid is coming" feeling that much more intense. Sure, the wife has been dealing with the kid for eight months. Me? I'm an outsider. I don't get to really meet her (besides a few kicks and punches here and there) until September. However, all the physical signs of babydom are appearing. There's a crib, a stroller, a pack and play, a chest full of tiny clothes and a few packages of diapers already taking up space in the house, all for this tiny little stranger that I haven't met yet. It's weird. It's kinda like buying a Blizzard at DQ and, instead of eating it, you set it down and wait for someone else to come along and spit up on it.
Yes. It's like that.
Anywho, we have just over five weeks left until the scheduled arrival of the little one. I have a feeling that these will be the longest and shortest five weeks I've ever experienced.

That's enough about the baby stuff. For today, at least. I should get to the house-work that I've been neglecting for the past two weeks. Before I get to that, however, here's Today's Joke:
White House projects record deficit for 2009
The White House on Monday predicted a record deficit of $490 billion for the 2009 budget year, a senior government official told CNN.
The deficit would amount to roughly 3.5 percent of the nation's $14 trillion economy.
The official pointed to a faltering economy and the bipartisan $170 billion stimulus package that passed earlier this year for the record deficit.
The fiscal year ends September 30, 2008. That leaves just enough time for President Bush and his cabinet to try and bring a little more money in to reduce the predicted deficit amount. Their current plan is to hold a garage sale on Labor Day weekend, offering, among other things, Hawaii and Alaska.
"People forget that those are states anyway," said a senior government official. "I don't think that most Americans are going to miss having Hawaii and Alaska around."
Both states are scheduled to be sold for $200 billion, or a few barrels of crude oil.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!