Monday, June 30, 2008


The smell of old scotch
Floats heavily in the air:
A fog of regret.

It's not often one begins his or her day at a bar at 9 am on a Monday morning and yet, here I am. The BNW is at Stub and Herb's on the U campus filming video shorts. There's nothing quite like being in a college campus bar while the sun is still on its ascent in the sky. It makes me feel troubled.
There is a certain thing that happens when starting a day in a drinking establishment. I'm filled with this strange desire to toss back a few shots of whiskey and then go harass kids on an elementary school playground. There's also a part of me that wants to go into a bagel shop and demand only the freshest of bagels, removing a piece of clothing for each minute that I remain unsatisfied. I also want to cross against red lights. If you pick up the paper tomorrow and read about a string of misdemeanors throughout the Twin Cities, you'll know why.

Anywho, if you weren't aware, this past weekend was the weekend of the second annual TCIF. I don't know about you, but I had a blast every time I set foot in the theater. Kudos to Butch, Jill, Lauren, Dan, and everyone else involved in the festival. I can't wait for next year!

Well, I should be off. These lite beers aren't going to drink themselves. I'm not sure when tomorrow's missive will be posted as we have another day of filming planned. I'll try and post something up as early as possible.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama to deliver 'major speech' on patriotism
Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama plans to deliver what his campaign is calling a "major speech" Monday, centering around an issue he's been trying to highlight for months now: his patriotism.
The Illinois senator has been defending his patriotism ever since the days of Iowa when he was first criticized for not wearing a flag pin — which he now does much more frequently — and when false rumors began circulating that he did not say the Pledge of Allegiance.
A widely-distributed photo also seemed to show him failing to place his hand over his heart during a rendition of the National Anthem.
Senator Obama's speech on patriotism will discuss his thoughts on patriotism and what it means for the average American citizen. During the speech, he will have the American flag tattooed onto his right bicep. He will also have his nipples pierced with lapel pins. To close the event off, Obama will hop on his motorcycle and jump over sixty busses that are arranged in the shape of the original thirteen colonies.
"If the press doesn't recognize my patriotism after Monday," Obama said, "then I'll have to make it personal..."



Friday, June 27, 2008


The A/C's blasting
Like a tiny Arctic chill.
My nipples are hard.

Two days in a row? What fancy thing is this? 'Tis almost as though this were a daily blog! Bah!

I've found myself with a little more time this morning than has been afforded to me on any other weekday morning as of late. Sure, I could be spending this time sleeping, or playing the video console games, or working, but who needs any of that? The morning belongs to the blog. Who am I to challenge that?

Anywho, there are many exciting things to discuss in a one-sided, written sort of way. Let's begin!
- That Wall-E movie opens today. All of the critics are saying that it's "magical," "a jewel," "a gem," "the greatest movie ever made," and "borderline-artsy." I've seen a number of clips in the past few days and I'm inclined to agree with these critics. Wall-E looks to be unbelievably delightful. However, if you are in need of a good laugh, got to and find the reviews that pan Wall-E. The reviews, and the comments that follow, are pretty genius.
- It's raining and the high for today is only 80 degrees, which is a large change from the hot and humid weather from the past few days. Yet the air conditioning in the BNW lobby is set at a low 22 degrees. I should have brought a parka. Or learned how to adjust the thermostat. Or picked a seat that wasn't right below a vent. Oh well...
- TCIF went very well last night. I wasn't there, but I've heard nothing but great things. I will be taking in a set or nine tonight. I'll see you there!
- New Flavors for Addresses on the Web Are on the Way
Move over .com and .org. Get ready for a nearly infinite variety of new Web addresses ending in words like .perfume, .sports and .paris.
On Thursday the Internet’s main oversight agency approved the most sweeping changes to the network’s address system since its creation.
According to new rules unanimously passed by the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or Icann, at its meeting here, any company, organization or country will soon be able to apply for a new Web address extension, called a top-level domain.
That could smooth the way for Web addresses that end in city names, brands and generic words. It could also sow confusion in the minds of Web users, create a host of new ways to exploit the Web addressing system and start a wave of legal skirmishes over applications to register trademarks — .coke, for example.
There have already been several applications for "," "," and "www.uhoh.yournevergoingtorememberthis." There has also been a huge increase in interest for Morse code web addresses, such as ""*



* - Someone's going to spend the time to figure this out. I'm certain of it. Who's it going to be?

Thursday, June 26, 2008


The laugh festival
You've waited a whole year for:
It's TCIF!

Well, this week hasn't gotten any less busy, as you could probably tell from the complete lack of blogs. Apologies abound. It's been quite the few days. On the plus side, the up-coming BNW election show should be quite the hoot. We've been writing and re-writing some very funny things. I hope you can pencil us in on your schedule...

On to more important matters:
1) TCIF starts today. There are three shows tonight, a whole bunch of shows tomorrow and Saturday night, and a special TCIF Go Go on Sunday. Ferrari McSpeedy is performing Saturday at 7 pm with the Josh And Tamara Show, which features puppets. Puppets! How can that be anything but the best thing ever? At 8:30 on Saturday, the BNW performs with BASSPROV. As the kids say, "Hells yeah!" If you've never seen BASSPROV, then you've never had your head exploded by improvisation.
Sunday's TCIF Go Go features, amongst three other great groups, HUGE Theater. At last year's TCIF, HUGE had a life-changing set. Seriously. If you were there, then your life was probably changed. Will this year bring more of the same? You'll probably have to show up to find out.
There are also a ton of other really great shows to check out (Scram, PimpProv, Neutrino, a superduperspecial Five Man Job) so you might as well just grab a wad of cash and prepare to spend the weekend at the BNW.
2) The Pixies' album Doolittle has landed on Rock Band as part of the downloadable content. Things couldn't get much perfecter. If anyone needs to scream a little Crackity Jones, dial me up.
3) This new tv channel changer is, in a word, fantastic. These Storm Trooper high heels, on the other hand, are not.
4) Seriously. TCIF.
5) Minneapolis church takes gay pride service outside
Saying they don't want to go back in the closet, gay and lesbian Catholics and their supporters took their annual prayer service celebrating gay pride outdoors Wednesday night.
About 100 people marched from the parking lot to the front of St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church in south Minneapolis, where they celebrated a service officials from the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis had banned from the church itself.
"There's some outrage over the archdiocese's decision," said Marianne Duddy-Burke, executive director of DignityUSA, a national organization for gay Catholics. "But people are excited that the gay pride service continued."
However, some protesters were concerned that the service was taking place outside. Said one anonymous protester, "I was actually ok with the service taking place indoors. I mean what if it had rained? Could you imagine what would happen they all got wet, and all that gay had gotten mixed into the rain water and run off into the rivers and lakes? The fish would turn gay, and probably the deer too. Then I might accidentally eat that gay fish or deer, and then I'd be gay. That's how it works, right?"



Monday, June 23, 2008


Never-ending nights,
Afternoons of timelessness,
Thank you, Viagra.

The trend from last week continues: my free time (read: blogging time) has been swallowed up and digested by sketch-writing and home-repair. That means that this entire week might be a wash in regards to daily missives. Sure, I'll try to post a poem and a joke when I have a chance, but those chances may be few and far between. As far as witty (or not) observations of the world around me, well, those will simply have to wait.

I will, however, take a moment to remind you, lovely reader, that the Twin Cities Improv Festival is right around the corner. This weekend shall be filled to the brim with improvisational goodness from the four corners of the nation. I'll be involved with Ferrari McSpeedy and the BNW (shows on Saturday night!) as well as HUGE Theater (Sunday!) You can get tickets here if you like to buy things ahead of time. It's fun to buy things ahead of time. Give it a shot. I think you'll like it.

Anywho, I should be off. I need to rewrite a sketch whilst mowing the back yard. Expect the next blog from the hospital.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Candy a sweet spot in sour economy
Like a lot of people, Nate Towne is cutting back on spending. He's carpooling to work and only shops at grocery stores that take coupons or offer discount "rewards" cards.
But even in this economy, he remains a self-described "candy snob."
"I'm serious when I say I'll pay a premium for my top favorites because in the grand scheme of things, it's only a few bucks," says Towne, a 37-year-old public relations consultant in Madison, Wis.
He's not the only one who's stuck on candy. Americans buy billions of dollars worth of the stuff each year — with more than $29 billion in retail sales in 2007, according to the National Confectioners Association. That's about a 3 percent increase from the previous year.
"It's all we have," says Jim Tillotson, professor of food policy and international business at Tufts University's Fletcher School. "Dear sweet God, a little escapism in the form of a Hershey's Kiss or a box of Mike and Ike's is the only thing keeping the lot of us from ending it all right now. What have we come to? Why?! Why?!?!"
Tillotson then lit a candy cigarette and cried himself to sleep.



Friday, June 20, 2008


Another Friday
Of warm sun-shining sweetness
It looks nice out there.

There's a common theme to this week's schedule: it has continuously left me with little time for myself. That, of course, means, that I have even littler time for the blog. I'd like to say something like, "Don't worry, next week will be better!" but that would be nothing more than a lie. An untruthful lie.

Anywho, today's missive is non-existent. However, Today's Joke is quite existent:
Rybak pushing all U.S. cities away from bottled water
Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak and other mayors from around the country are urging all U.S. cities to stop spending tax money on bottled water, and instead drink from the tap.
A resolution to that effect has been written and will be presented Saturday in the Environment Committee of the U.S. Conference of Mayors meeting in Miami.
The resolution, submitted by Rybak and the mayors of 14 other cities, cites a host of reasons why cities should use their own municipal water, rather than bottled water.
Coca-Cola, Pepsi and the American Beverage Association have all increased their lobbying against the campaign away from bottled water. Last year, Coca-Cola and the association passed out fliers at the Conference of Mayors that argued against a resolution to study the impact of bottled water on municipal waste. This year, they've taken more extreme measures, including filling the homes of those at the conference with plastic bottles, poisoning the tap water of U.S. cities involved in the resolution, and leaving the severed heads of local water commissioners in the mayors' beds.



Thursday, June 19, 2008


Across the ocean
Sailing foot by foot north-ward
A wave of nightmares.

No time for blogging today. For starters, I'm in the BNW doing BNW-type things. Also, and perhaps more importantly, six severed feet have shown up on Canada's shores. If I don't spend all of my free time looking into this, I'd be remiss.

Anywho, I don't want to leave you haiku-less for today. Or Today's Joke-less...

Bringing bin Laden to justice
Barack Obama and John McCain stepped up their battle over foreign policy credentials Wednesday, with Obama accusing his rival of using fear to win votes and the McCain camp accusing Obama of wanting to fight terrorism with lawyers.
With shades of the 2004 presidential election showing through, the two presumptive nominees are using the war on terror as a campaign wedge.
Obama said he wouldn't discuss what approach he would take to bring bin Laden to justice if he were apprehended. But he said the Nuremberg trials for the prosecution of Nazi leaders are an inspiration because the victors acted to advance universal principles and set a tone for the creation of an international order.
McCain, on the other hand, is fond of saying he will chase Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell to capture him and bring him to justice.
McCain likes the "gates to hell" promise so much that while campaigning in New Hampshire last October, he told employees at a small weapons plant in Rochester he said he "will shoot him with your products."
"As long as he didn't run too fast. I have trouble keeping up. In fact, he'd have to stay pretty still. It'd be best if he was brought to me already dead, and I could just shoot his corpse a couple of times. You know, for America. Not that I want to romanticize it or anything..."



Wednesday, June 18, 2008


On a city bus
A man rides back to his house
Where he left his pants.

Aloha and aloha. Sadly, my time for blogging is limited today. I simply must be off to do some work before... well, before work today. That's the way of things. I know you understand.

If you're looking for something entertaining to wile away your time at your computer, might I suggest downloading the free demo of the Spore Creature Creator? I know what you're thinking. You're wondering, "What the heck is the Spore Creature Creator?" Well, simply put, it's a program that allows you to create an alien being. More specifically, it allows you to create an alien that, come September, you would then be able to watch colonize a land, a planet, and a galaxy in the up-coming game Spore. But for now, it's just a fun way to pass some time crafting monsters that can exist both in your imagination and the virtual world. There's nothing wrong with that...
Gosh, it sounds like I'm getting paid to sell this product. I wish that were the case!

If creating animals isn't your thing, then here's a little something for the other end of the spectrum. You're welcome.

Anywho, I should be off. This pre-work work isn't going to work itself. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Firefox 3 browser downloads strong in first day
In just five hours, the new version of the Firefox Web browser had as many downloads as its predecessor got during its entire first day, the software's developers say.
Firefox 3 reached 1.6 million downloads by early evening Tuesday to match Firefox 2's first-day downloads. In the opening hours, Firefox's Web site was distributing nearly 9,000 copies of the free software every minute.
Firefox 3 includes enhancements to help users organize their frequently visited Web sites and block access to sites known to distribute viruses and other malicious software.
Users of Yahoo Inc.'s mail service can also use Firefox 3 to send e-mail by clicking a "mailto" link they might come across clicking on a name or a "contact us" link on a Web page. Previously such links could only open a standalone, desktop e-mail program.
The largest draw to Firefox 3, however, is that it automatically replaces all images in a website with still shots from pornographic movies.
Downloads continued Wednesday as Firefox supporters sought to set a world record for most software downloads in a 24-hour period. The category is new, and Guinness World Records must certify it, a process that could take a week or longer, depending on whether or not the Guinness people discover the new features of Firefox 3.



Psst! Did you watch the Celtics/Lakers game last night? Goodness gracious! What a blow-out! Congrats, Celtics. And remember, Lakers: your dreams of winning the NBA Finals will be a reality for a large number of third-world country children.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


If you hate the earth
But still want a lovely home:
Plant plastic flowers.

Well, it has begun: the take-over of our house with baby things. Over the weekend, the wife went down to Chicago for a baby shower thrown by her family. At the shower, she was given a number of gift cards for Babies R Us. Last night, while I was winning softball with the Skirt Turtles, those gift cards were spent. When I arrived home, I was greeted with a stroller (in easy-to-assemble parts!), a "pack and play," a tiny bath tub, and a used-diaper storage facility. At this moment, these items are taking up space in the back room of our house. This room was once known as the "improv room," for that's where I would practice my improvisations. Today, this day is known as "the room that holds the stuff that the baby will need." As the day of labor draws closer, other items both large and small will find their way into our house. Other rooms will be redefined. The "computer room" will become the "baby's play room." The "bedroom" will become the "bedroom/nursery." The "anti-baby room" will become the "pro-baby room."
To be certain, I'm as excited as an old man with a bag of bread crumbs in a park full of ducks. The arrival of these gifts, however, have reminded me that I have a lot of work to do before this kid gets here. I have to assemble the stroller. I have to purchase and assemble the crib. I have to buy a second car... and assemble it. It's going to be a busy few months. Luckily I'll be able to rest once the baby is here, right? Right?

Anywho, I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Coffee, the fountain of youth?
If you like to drink coffee, drink more. Lots more. It probably won’t hurt you and may even save your life, especially if you’re a woman.
Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health studied the histories of 125,000 men and women who reported how much coffee they drank between 1980 and 2004. The more coffee they drank, the less likely they were to die from a heart attack or cardiovascular disease. That was especially true for women. Compared to those who didn’t drink coffee, those who drank 5 to 7 cups per week had 7 percent lower risk for death. The real coffee addicts who drink 4 to 5 cups per day had a 26 percent lower risk of death. The lower risk was mostly related to heart disease, but cancer deaths in women were lower, too, the researchers found.
It’s not the caffeine that does it because they found a similar pattern in the people who drank decaffeinated coffee.
When asked why the study showed a link between coffee and positive health, the researchers replied, "Idon'tknow.We'relookingintoit.ComebackinacouplehoursmaybeandbringsomeStarbuckswhenyoudo."



Monday, June 16, 2008


Like a magician
I vanish into the air
And return unharmed.

Well, look who came back to the blogosphere! Me! Apologies for a lack of missive on Friday. The day got away from me. You understand, don't you? I certainly hope so...

Anywho, this weekend was quite the collection of days. Between Thursday night and Monday morning, I saw a concert, painted a bedroom, performed in two BNW shows, had a corporate event, enjoyed a Father's Day breakfast and entertained people in an electricity-free house.

Let's hit the highlights!
Thursday night, the wife and I (and the older brother and his lady) went to the Cabooze's outdoor stage to catch Gogol Bordello, a "gypsy punk" band made up of a crazy-haired singer, an elderly fiddle-player, a mild-mannered accordionist, two girls whose only jobs were to scream and play cymbals and marching band bass drums, a Latino rapper that wore a Mexican wrestler mask, and a few others. They put on one heck of a show, bouncing from one song to the next with only a moment of break between them. Gogol Bordello's live show gets a FOTIs.
The people in the audience, however, were even better than the show itself. Throughout the evening, we saw:
- three women in their sixties, one of whom spent twenty minutes putting on lipstick, enjoying the band's antics;
- a lady dressed more conservatively than a polygamist's wife breaking up a fight between two men (that were each over a foot taller than her);
- an obese woman wearing a sports bra humping a bicycle;
- a man that could not keep his body from flailing whenever the music played; and
- the world's last Yes fan.
The Gogol Bordello audience gets the very rare honor of MIKE FOTIS. Well, everyone except the guy that asked me if he could rub Theresa's belly. That guy's a jerk.

On Saturday, after the BNW show, I invited folks over for a little Rock Band fun. Also, I figured, we could all share the can of Pabst Blue Ribbon I had sitting around. Upon arriving home, I discovered that the storm that hit the Twin Cities knocked out our power. People still came over, but instead of playing Rock Band, we talked. As one would have guessed, the power came on ten minutes after everyone left. Damn you, Xcel! If I was Alanis Morisette, I would totally put that line into "Ironic: Part Two."

Yesterday, between putting coats of paint on the walls in my bedroom (I did this awesome wizard mural. It's really... awesome!), I walked over to a local restaurant for breakfast. When I went to this restaurant on Mother's Day, the ladies got free flowers, free mimosas, and there was a jazz trio playing (for free!) On Father's Day, there was jack-squat. I'm not sure what I was expecting (maybe a free screwdriver, or a free screwdriver, or a free concert by Screwdriver. Any of those would have been nice. You know, for the dads.

Well, I should be off. With all of the antics of the weekend now over and done with, I need to get to the antics of the week. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
PVC Shower Curtains Hazardous to Your Health
A U.S. environmental non-profit organization warned last week that polyvinyl chloride (PVC) shower curtains might be dangerous for our health as they shed 108 poisonous chemicals into the air after being unpacked.
The Center for Health, Environment and Justice analyzed five house-brand curtains and liners and found that the PVC shower curtains contained at least seven substances (methyl isobutyl ketone, toluene, ethylbenzene, acetophenone phenol, xylene and cumene) that are considered hazardous air pollutants. These chemicals are very dangerous for the environment and for people’s health, as well.
The “new shower curtain smell” might be a threat for lungs, central nervous system, liver and kidneys, leading to serious conditions, sometimes cancers, the CHEJ said in its report.
"PVC shower curtains should be eliminated from homes and should be replaced with safer alternatives," the CHEJ’s science director, Stephen Lester wrote in a statement. "If you have PVC shower curtains in your home, only allow people you want to kill into your shower."
On a similar note, the US Government has added PVC curtains to the list of "weapons of minute destruction." This list also includes tomatoes, Mattel toys, dog food, the sun, and fluorescent lights.



Thursday, June 12, 2008


In the atmosphere
Lingering above the clouds,
My time eludes me.

If you were looking forward to a massive missive from me today, I apologize. I simply have not the time to craft anything of worth for you. My time for writing must be relegated to work-related items only. Between rehearsal, a corporate show and a Gogol Bordello concert, today is jam-packed with leisure-time-less-ness. I'll make it up to you somehow, someday. I promise.

I must be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
China may be the source of hacking into House computers
Two House members said on Wednesday that their Capitol Hill computers containing information about political dissidents from around the world have been hacked by sources apparently working out of China.
Rep. Frank Wolf, R-Va., said four of his computers were hacked. Rep. Chris Smith, R-N.J., said two of his computers were compromised in December 2006 and March 2007.
Wolf said the hacking of computers in his Capitol Hill office began in August 2006. He said a computer at a House committee office also was hacked, and he suggested others in the House and possibly the Senate could be involved.
Wolf said that China became the main suspect in the hacking when it was discovered that the hacked computers were filled with a lead-based paint, antifreeze, and a poisonous wheat gluten.
"We've seen these items in various other attacks from China, in our toys, toothpastes and pet foods," Wolf said. "Somehow they're getting these deadly poisons into our computers. Well, you know what? This is war. China, prepare to have your computers hacked with atom bombs and the might of America's military. Boo ya!"



Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Xbox cat


Four separate nights
Spent in four separate states.
I am a rock star.

Well, happy Monday to you! Wait a moment? I think this missive might be a little too late for that. Happy Tuesday! Oh. No. Tuesday has passed as well. It seems as though we've already made it to Wednesday. Pretty far into Wednesday actually. Where did these past few days go? Let's see...

Between Saturday and Tuesday, I traveled via train, subway, plane, foot, car, and shuttle bus from Minneapolis to Chicago to northwest Indiana to California and back again. I performed at the Chicago Improv Festival (HUGE had a heck of a set. Yay!) I did a training with a corporate client. I went by five houses that at some point served as my home. I visited with a few old friends, some family, and my favorite pizza place. I slept a total of 20 hours over the course of four days. I got chatted up by a Latter Day Saint missionary (they've got some interesting ideas...) I spent a total of ten minutes on-line. I learned that the CTA now has a pink line. Pink! Upon returning to Minneapolis, I shot a video in which I interviewed Godzilla. All in all, it was quite the event. I'll get more into it when I have a bit of time. Sadly, today is not that day. Neither is tomorrow. Friday? Fingers are crossed that Friday will be a day for reflective writings.

As I've been writing this, the clouds have opened and begun pouring rain for the umpteenth time since last Thursday. Even in the other states that I visited during my travels, I was rained upon. With rain. I'd love to blog more, but I have to start writing letters of complaint to Mother Nature. Someone needs to tell the sky that we don't need its filthy rain. I'll try to get a petition on-line soon. Nothing changes without petitions. Just ask the scientists that are stopping global warming with their petition. The power is in our hands!

Well, I should be off. Work needs to be worked, and I'm just the worker to work it. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Smurfs head for big-screen at Columbia Pictures
The Smurfs, those blue-skinned cartoon gnomes with short tails and white hats, are celebrating their 50th anniversary with a Hollywood movie deal announced on Tuesday by Columbia Pictures.
The studio said it has acquired motion picture rights to the Belgian-born characters from Lafig Belgium S.A. for a big-screen Smurfs adaptation mixing computer-graphic imagery and live action.
No casting decisions have been made or director chosen, but the studio is in negotiations with several folks that were "willing to rape the memories of childhood heroes," according to an executive at Columbia. "We've had a lot of interest from people that have made their mark pillaging the icons of yesteryear for the money-driven crap spectacles that we've seen recently. From the folks behind the uber-flop Underdog to those behind the steaming pile of horse-shit Speed Racer, it seems as though everyone wants to get in on the action. Now, if you don't mind, I need to take everything you've ever loved, set it aflame, and charge you $10 to watch it burn. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"



Psst! How about that new iPhone? Please tell me about it as I haven't had a chance to read up on it myself.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Friday, June 6, 2008


Take off that jacket
Loosen that belt a little
It's for your safety...

From the looks of it, it seems as though the Twin Cities made it through the storm of the century rather unscathed. Good for us. I knew we had it in us. I'm so proud...

I'll be honest with you folks - today's missive is a little light on the content side. My mind is elsewhere, and I'm having difficulty focusing on the task at hand. You see, this weekend looks like a whole bunch of fun wrapped up in cotton candy. In just a few moments, I have a corporate show (with a free lunch!) somewhere in Minneapolis. I have no idea where it's at. I like to keep that suspense in my life. Afterwards, the day is easy until the BNW mainstage show (only three weekends left, friends!). Bright and early tomorrow morning, I head out to Chicago via aeroplane. Why? Because tomorrow night, HUGE Theater will be performing at the Chicago Improv Festival. I'm all right with that. On Sunday, I'll be training it out to northwestern Indiana to visit with my pops. On Monday, it's off to sunny Los Angeles for another corporate show, and I return on Tuesday night. Late Tuesday night. I need to get a hat that says "I'm going places!" and wear it all weekend long. It seems appropriate.

Because of my travels, the blog postings on Monday and Tuesday may be oddly timed or non-existent, depending on the internet access I have. Please bear with me. On the other hand, I'm going to attempt to post a few picture blogs during my travels. Keep your eyes peeled for pixelated images of major metropolitan areas.

I should be off. I have a little ironing to do before this weekend gets the better of me. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
2 Leaders Ousted From Air Force in Atomic Errors
The Air Force’s senior civilian official and its highest-ranking general were ousted by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates on Thursday after an inquiry into the mishandling of nuclear weapons and components found systemic problems in the Air Force.
The Air Force secretary, Michael W. Wynne, and the service’s chief of staff, Gen. T. Michael Moseley, were forced to resign after the inquiry found that the latest in a series of incidents reflected “a pattern of poor performance” in securing sensitive military components, Mr. Gates said at a Pentagon briefing.
Never before has a defense secretary simultaneously ousted a service secretary and a service chief. Mr. Gates said he had taken the action because the investigation identified “a lack of effective Air Force leadership oversight” and found that “the Air Force has not been sufficiently critical of its past performance.”
"It could have been worse," Gates continued. "These two officials were let go because they couldn't locate certain weapons of mass destruction. You might remember the last time someone couldn't find WMDs. We blew the shit out of them. Hell, we're still blowing the shit out of them."



Thursday, June 5, 2008


With fear in his eyes
The weatherman confesses:
We're all getting blown.

For the past week, the local news-stations have been forecasting a day of sheer destruction. Heck, even our local internet sensation has taken precautions for today's expected tempest. It could turn out that they're right and that tomorrow, I'll be writing (and you'll be reading) this missive from a magical land filled with witches and little people after a short trip in the inside of a funnel cloud. Or it could very well happen that the day passes by with little more than a scattered shower and the brief sighting of a rainbow. All I hope is that the new seedlings that are finally appearing in the pit of mud in my back yard don't get torn up and thrown asunder. That would be a real pain.

Anywho, if you're planning on walking around in the out-of-doors today, take and umbrella and some leaden boots. I don't want you getting wet or blown away.

In other news, I find it odd that I hate the up-coming movie Wanted because of the movie's insistence that you can arc a bullet, and yet I have no problems with the Japanese movie The Machine Girl which features a girl that replaces her arm with a Gatling gun. I believe the difference lies in the fact that Wanted tries to take itself seriously, attempting to convince us that a bullet is pretty much the same as a baseball as far as allowing a person to influence it's trajectory. On the other hand, The Machine Girl celebrates its absurdity, and piles ninjas, Yakuza and well-armed futuristic football players onto the fun. Sometimes that extra step is the most important one...

I should be off. I have to finish covering my house in titanium in preparation for the big storm. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
California Supreme Court refuses to delay gay marriage
Gay couples in California rushed to set wedding dates Wednesday after the California Supreme Court's unusually quick rejection of challenges to its historic decision permitting same-sex couples to wed.
By rejecting petitions asking for reconsideration of the May 15 ruling, the court, in a 4-3 vote, removed the final obstacle to same-sex marriages starting June 17.
A soon-to-be-released study by the Williams Institute at UCLA's School of Law predicts that thousands of gay couples will rush to the altar before the November election, and the rush might have a large impact on the California economy.
"This is better than any stimulus package the government could give," said one Crate and Barrel employee. "We've done more business since the court's decision than we have all year long. If you really want to get out of this recession, make gay marriage OK across the nation!"



Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Flakes of silver fall
And gather around my feet,
I scratch away dreams.

Yesterday, I found myself taking a break from writing to register on so I could enter sixteen-digit codes in their Indiana Jones-themed promotional give-away. According to the website, I had a 1 in 6 chance of winning anything from a trip to the Amazon to a free Burger King hamburger. Even though I have no desire to visit the Amazon, nor do I eat Burger King hamburgers, I still registered. Why? It could be the allure of winning something Indiana Jones-y. More likely, it could be that I have a problem. It's not really a gambling problem, as I was putting nothing besides the ability to contact me via an e-mail address up as my stake in the game. I may have, however, a promotional-event addiction. It's an addiction that doesn't get much publicity. I'm going to change that.
The Dr. Pepper/Indiana Jones ordeal isn't the first time I've registered to win cash or prizes. In fact, although the prizes themselves weren't very appealing, it shouldn't be surprising that I partook in the promotion, as I enjoy both Dr. Pepper and Indiana Jones. However, a couple of summer ago, I purchased nothing but Coca-Cola as they were giving out televisions and stereos like they were wooden nickels. At least, that's what they had me believe. I never won a television or stereo, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I also spent a few months in college eating McDonald's constantly in an effort to master their Monopoly game. Even on the days when I had trouble getting out of bed because my blood was 75% grease, I still made my way to McDonald's for a large fry and another chance to win.
One of these days, I'll come across a promotional event that will lead to my downfall. Perhaps a cross with the new Batman movie and a blood bank, which will result in my donating 7 pints of blood in one day in an attempt to win the Bat-cycle. Or maybe a contest sponsored by Jim Beam that offers the possibility of winning fancy new watches will cause a spiral into a drunken stupor that ends in a tragic accident atop the Minneapolis City Hall clock tower. Unless a promotional event addiction support group gets formed and gains awareness, I risk the chance of becoming nothing more than as statistic. In fact, I would say there's a 1 in 6 chance that happening.

Anywho, I should be off. Arby's is giving away Ford Mustangs. I'm hoping it comes covered in roast beef...
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
United to Shut Ted Unit, Ground More Planes, Cut Jobs
UAL Corp.'s United Airlines, the world's second-largest carrier, will shut its low-fare Ted airline, ground 70 planes and cut as many as 1,100 jobs to help counter record fuel costs.
United's second round of cutbacks in two months follows a 76 percent surge in jet fuel prices in the past year that will add $3 billion to its spending for fuel. AMR Corp.'s American Airlines, the world's biggest carrier, and Delta Air Lines Inc. also are paring their domestic seating capacity.
"These are very aggressive domestic capacity and cost cuts," Calyon Securities analyst Ray Neidl in New York said in an interview. "If oil stays at $130 or $120 a barrel, I expect you'll see additional big cuts announced by airlines as we move through the year."
Neidl continued on to say that future cuts might include the elimination of the co-pilot position on domestic flights, paring down the number of flight attendants and instituting a "self-service" beverage plan, and removing the chairs in coach and having a "standing room only" policy. "Those seats take up a lot of space," Neidl explained. "If we remove the seats, we could, for example, cram another 200 people into a DC-10. Damn skippy!"



Tuesday, June 3, 2008


I am a wordsmith:
I forge words and sentences
With a hot iron.

Today is a day for letters. Letters that are strung together to form words. Those words? They'll be paired up with other words to make sentences. In the end, I'll have pages and pages of writing. Why? Well, if you haven't been paying attention, there's an election coming up soon. That means that there's also an election show coming to the BNW soon. Sooner than you think, in fact. Thusly, I'll be chaining myself to my laptop and churning out script after script about the Democratic primaries, McCain's age, and the disenfranchisement of the American voting populous. Comedy gold, all. Fortunately, Mother Nature has deemed it fit to cloud over our blue skies with the gray cover of looming rain storms. I shall not be distracted by the chirping birds or sounds of children enjoying the late spring. Huzzah! Let us all stay inside and work!

Of course, to make sure we work hard, we had better get our procrastination out of the way.
Look! A website dedicated to the up-coming remake of the movie Death Race 2000! Fantastic!

Over here! Someone changed his Roomba into a Pacmba. Humorous!

This! LEGO Indiana Jones comes out this week for various video game systems. Delightful!

That! Tee hee!

Also! I failed to mention this yesterday, but thanks to everyone that came out to see the Punch Out! between Ferrari McSpeedy and Five Man Job. Ferrari ended up winning in the end, but it was a darn good fight. Also, thanks to everyone that came to Punch Out! throughout its run. Punch Out! is going away for a while, but will probably rear its angry little head again after the Twin Cities Improv Festival has passed.

Lastly! Officials: Clinton will concede delegate race to Obama Tuesday night
Hillary Rodham Clinton will concede Tuesday night that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination, campaign officials said, effectively ending her bid to be the nation's first female president.
The former first lady will stop short of formally suspending or ending her race in her speech in New York City. Obama is 40 delegates shy of clinching the nomination, but he is widely expected to make up the difference Tuesday with superdelegate support and votes in South Dakota and Montana. Once he reaches the magic number of 2,118, Clinton will acknowledge that he has secured the necessary delegates to be the nominee.
However, Clinton promises to continue running attack ads on Obama through and past the November elections. When asked why, she told the press, "I'm good at attack ads. When you find something you love to do, you should do it and you should do it well."

Hillary, you put up a good fight and stayed in the race way too long. Today's Joke will miss you.



Monday, June 2, 2008


The sun hits its peak
And slowly works its way down.
I crash much faster.

Apologies for today's delayed missive. I awoke early enough, but my morning schedule was filled with a corporate show at the Workshop. Now, two bus trips, 4 hours worth of improvisation and seventeen cups of coffee later, here I am. Shaking. Most of the blood in my body has been caffeinated to Mountain Dew levels. I can actually see through my computer. This missive shall not be long, for I have a need to run at top speed for three or four miles just to give my heart a reason for beating this quickly.

There are only two items of note that need mention today, besides the usual poem and stab at current-events-related humor. Firstly, watching BNW mainstage actor Bobby Gardner play Rock Band is the most joyous way to spend an evening. Never before have I seen someone pour so much passion out for his virtual groupies. It's inspiring. I might have Bobby come by every night just to remind me what the sheer power of excitement can do.
On the opposite end of the "televisions and eye balls" enjoyment spectrum: after the Saturday night mainstage show, I came home to see Kimbo Slice punch a man's ear off on CBS. I must warn you: if you click that link, you will see a man punch another man's ear off. Before clicking, ask yourself, "Do I need to see someone's ear get punched off?" If you answer in the negative, do not click the link. It's as simple as that.
If you do watch it: Wowzers. That ear got totally punched off.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Winning Again, Clinton Weighs Her Options
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton won another overwhelming victory over Senator Barack Obama on Sunday — this time in Puerto Rico — even as many Democrats, including some of her supporters, suggested it would be best if she dropped her threat to battle on past the end of the primary voting on Tuesday.
Mrs. Clinton won by 2 to 1 in Puerto Rico, where she seemed to revel in a weekend of campaigning even as her surrogates fought in Washington to keep her campaign alive.
“I think it will be most likely the case in a few days,” Mrs. Clinton said from San Juan. “I will have won the most votes — more than anyone in the history of the primary process.”
She added: “Senator Obama has a narrow lead in delegates. And we’re going to have to make our case to the automatic so-called superdelegates. And I think my case is clear — more than 17 million people voted for me.
Mrs. Clinton’s count includes Michigan, where Mr. Obama’s name was not on the ballot, and it does not include some caucus states won by Mr. Obama and where the popular vote was not reported. The count also fails to include any vote cast for Obama in Illinois, as Clinton reasoned that Obama had an unfair advantage in Illinois being that he serves as Senator for that state. Also, any vote cast for Obama by a female has been re-counted as a vote for Hillary, noting that the initial vote for Obama was "probably a mistake caused by menstruation-related blurred vision."
"Obama is running on a campaign of 'change'" Clinton continued. "Look! I've tried to change how we go about punishing states for not following DNC rules, and now I'm changing how we count votes! Who's the real 'changer' around here? Me!"



Psst! The Skirt Turtles are playing at Nokomis Field number 7 tonight at 6 pm. Bring a picnic dinner and cheer us on to victory!