Wednesday, January 21, 2009


The masses gather -
Swarming the Capitol lawns
And pooping freedom.

Well, we've finally made it to (and beyond!) the day that we all (or most) have been waiting for: the inauguration of Barack Obama. I, like a true Patriot, watched the inauguration live on three different television channels - you know: to limit the amount of bias from a single-station news-viewing. I drank nothing but Americanos and ate nothing but Freedom Fries for the entire day. I finally got around to drilling many holes in many pieces of wood. It was truly a great Inauguration Day.

There was one thing that had me a little sad about the day's events, however. It seemed as though the millions of people watching in Washington DC (and at various locales throughout the US - thank you, news outlets, for showing me how other regular people watched the inauguration) had a case of Obama-fever. That's all well and good, except for the fact that the crowd was unresponsive to anything that wasn't Obama related. Jimmy Carter's introduction? Met with silence. The appearance of the Bush twins? No response. Joe Biden's oath of office? Nothing but shrugs and sighs. If it wasn't Barack-related, it didn't deserve the crowd's attention. I felt bad, mostly for Joe Biden, that the President's rockstar status overshadowed the rest of the pomp and circumstance. Yeah, he's great and all, but there are a few other people doing things, people. Let's take note of them too.

Or don't. Whatev.

Anywho, I should be off. I need to bake a batch of cupcakes for all the new Congresspeople. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
On Day One, Obama orders new ethics rules, summons military, economic chiefs to White House
In a Day One burst of activity, President Barack Obama stepped into the Oval Office for the first time as chief executive Wednesday, summoned advisers to begin dealing with war and recession and ordered new ethics rules for "a clean break from business as usual."
Obama also froze salaries for top White House staff, placed calls to Mideast leaders and had aides circulate a draft executive order that would close the detention center at Guantanamo Bay within a year.
According to most experts, we can expect the next five days to be filled with incredible activity from the Obama White House. On the seventh day, he will rest.


Monday, January 19, 2009


Let us go sledding
Right from the snowy hill's peak
To the hospital.

'Tis Monday, 'tisn't it? Apologies for the late missive. The wife had a day off from work, so today was family fun day. Nothing wrong with that, except for the resulting delayed blogging.

Anywho, this weekend was a jam-packed one. The cold snap finally broke, meaning that those out-of-door activities (such as shoveling, walking the dog, and generally not being inside) could resume. On Saturday, we hopped down to Burnsville (the town that's always on fire... with excitement!) to watch my little brother get married. Congrats to the happy couple! Sunday saw a return of errand-running and other assorted funnery that Friday could not handle. Today was just there for us to breathe.

Tomorrow? Why, tomorrow is a new day. A day that many will celebrate and some will rue. I'm excited not to see Obama become President, but to watch everyone else react to his Presidency. I'm not certain that Barack will be able to immediately change the world for the better, but those millions that think he can just might. I'll be watching intently.

Sadly, I should be off. I need to capitalize on these passing holiday hours whilst I still can. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Sources: Obama may quickly reverse abortion policy
President-elect Barack Obama is considering issuing an executive order to reverse a controversial Bush administration abortion policy in his first week in office, three Democratic sources said Monday.
The sources said Obama may use the occasion to reverse the "Mexico City policy" reinstated in 2001 by Bush that prohibits U.S. money from funding international family planning groups that promote abortion or provide information, counseling or referrals about abortion services. It bans any organization receiving family planning funds from the U.S. Agency for International Development from offering abortions or abortion counseling.
Sources also say that Obama is considering other actions to reverse Bush's policies. He may, within his first one hundred days, reverse the upper-class tax cuts that Bush put into place during his Presidency. Obama is also thinking about an immediate withdrawal of troops from both Iraq and Afghanistan. Finally, Obama has been inquiring about the feasibilty of renaming all shrubbery "Baracks" and removing "W" from the American English accent, replacing it with a fist bump.
"It's time for the fistbump-orld to move on from Bush's reign of ineptitude," Obama said in a brief interview. "Come fistbump-ith me and live in hope once again."
Obama then flew out of the room and stopped an asteroid from crashing into Earth.


Friday, January 16, 2009


If you don't learn from
History, you can play it
In video games.

Apologies for the lack of blogs this week. I had a writing deadline for the BNW, which meant that I had reschedule my missive-making time. Well, that's my excuse for the first half of the week. Thursday, being the first day with free time penciled in, was spent hanging with the kid and playing Call of Duty: World at War. It's not my fault - she really wanted to watch me reenact the greatest events of the greatest generation. Who am I to argue?

Anywho, whilst playing through Call of Duty, I started thinking about all of the WWII games I've played in the past, as well the many, many WWII games I have not and probably never will play. That, in turn, got me to thinking about what I really want to see in a WWII game. I believe it would be something like this:
Prepare to battle in the world's greatest war as history's greatest man: Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
The US has been bombed and Germany, Italy, and Japan are threatening to take over the world with their weather-controlling doomsday device. Freshly outfitted with a set of robot legs that can control time, FDR is sent (by himself!) on a slew of one-man missions to the western front, the Pacific theater, Siberia, Middle-Earth, Iowa, northern Africa, and the fourth dimension (which is overrun by werewolf-zombie-Nazi soldiers!)
You'll get help from sexy sidekick Douglas MacArthur, sexy assistant Winston Churchill, and sexy double-agent Eleanor Roosevelt, and you'll need it when fighting the epic no-holds-barred battles with Emperor "Hero"-hito (He's a man! He's a hoagie! He's a Moagie!), Mecha-Mussolini, and of course, Tyrannosaurus Hitler. Armed with only a Bowie knife, a bazooka, and a razor sharp wit, will FDR succeed in bringing peace to the world? Only you know that answer.

Oh man. Now I just need someone to make this game.

I should be off. Before I depart - if you happen to live in Chicago, then go see the BNW at Sketchfest this weekend. Yay!

No joke for today. I'm hoping that the rest of the post will fill your laugh quota for the day.


Monday, January 12, 2009


Beneath all this snow,
Buried under winter's weight,
Lies my little blog.

Apologies, but today shall remain blog-less. This morning was jam-packed with a trip to the doctor for some baby shots, and this afternoon is jam-packed with rehearsal and other things theatrical. This evening? Why, this evening is for me and me alone.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Golden Globe after-parties still boozy, spirited
It was a subdued night of post-Golden Globe Awards partying for Hollywood, but the bashes were lavish and extravagant by any other standard.
A year after the writers' strike shut down the awards show ceremony and its after-parties, the alcohol flowed again at several shindigs Sunday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel.
Despite the recession, post-Globe revelers shared booze, food and the sheer will to make merry.
"We in Hollywood have to remind the world," said one reveler, "that when things get tough and life gets you down, drown your sorrows in alcohol and desperation. It's the true American way!"



Friday, January 9, 2009


If you stay quiet
And listen very closely,
You'll hear my day pass.

Egads! What a day this has been! The morning was occupied by a trip to WCCO radio for a short interview (during which I said, "Yeah," "uh huh," and "Definitely." That's all I said. No more, no less.) After the interview, errands were run and the baby was forced (forced!) into a nap. All that takes time. And now, I have no time left for the finer things, such as blogging. Apologies.

I do have a quick bit of advice, however. If you're planning on making a road trip this weekend (or anytime son, for that matter) and decide to eat at a truckstop, DO NOT order the turkey melt. I know they call it turkey, but friends: that ain't turkey.

Anywho, before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Blagojevich says his impeachment by Ill. House wasn't unexpected, part of ongoing dispute
The Illinois House voted overwhelmingly Friday to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich, setting up an unprecedented trial in the state Senate on whether he should be thrown out for abuse of power.
The governor responded with what has become trademark defiance since he arrested on federal charges a month ago. He accused the House of retaliating against him for trying to help the people of Illinois and said he's confident he'll be "properly exonerated" at a Senate trial.
"The causes of the impeachment are because I've done things to fight for families," said Blagojevich.
"Specifically, I've been fighting for my family. I've gone above and beyond my duties as governor to make sure that my family got what they deserved. If I'm to lose my job for helping the people of Illinois, even of it's only four or five of them, then so be it. I'll just take my beautiful hair and go home."



Thursday, January 8, 2009


Don't worry, baby:
Even from across the store
I can hear your cries.

A quick thought about horror movies:
There has long been a connection between societal difficulties and the horror genre of cinema. George Romero's Dawn of the Dead was in essence a commentary on consumerism.* The gore of the Vietnam War brought about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.** The American culture's movement towards conservatism helped make Halloween, Friday the 13th, and other slasher movies popular.***

All of this makes me wonder what the up-coming movie Unborn is about. More specifically, what's up with all of the upside-down heads in the trailer? Do they mean something? Are they a response to terrorism changing how we view the world? Are they symbols of our culture being turned on its head by the popularity of Obama? Or did the director just have a thing for inverted noggins? I have a feeling that latter is true: the director just learned how to do that trick with CGI and wanted to get the most out of it. I'll bet in a perfect world, the director would simply fill two hours with video of various heads spinning every which way. And you know what? I'd pay to see that.

Anywho, that's it for today's missive. Please enjoy Today's Joke:
Joe the Plumber: War Correspondent
Joe the Plumber, the Ohio man who became a household name in the presidential campaign, says he's heading to Israel as a war correspondent for the conservative Web site
Samuel J. Wurzelbacher says he'll spend 10 days covering the fighting.
In an interview with WNWO-TV in Toledo, Ohio, Wurzelbacher says he wants to let Israel's "'Average Joes' share their story."

I'm not adding anything to this. The story is humorous enough on its own.


* - Citation needed.
** - Citation needed.
*** - Your momma told me this last night. Bam!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


My phone plays music,
And runs hundreds of fun apps...
I wish I had friends.

If you're not tuned in to the right interweb stations, you may never know that this week is the week of the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), at which all of the major and minor technology companies reveal their plans for the upcoming future. What sort of things can we look forward to? TVs that are less than an inch thick. Memory cards that wirelessly transmit pictures and videos to your computer and/or YouTube. Watch phones.
In other words, we can look forward to having our childhood fantasies come true. A watch phone? Yes!
And we're just a few hours into this year's CES. Egads!

If you're not interested in a watch phone, perhaps a Hello Kitty touchscreen cellphone is more to your liking... Can you say
iPhone killer?

Anywho, these are the times that the future, as it was told to us as youngsters, seems almost possible. Any day now, I expect the announcement of the electric flying car. I've been holding my breath for a long time now. It would be nice to exhale again.

A quick addendum: is offering for sale one Life-Span Fitness Vibration Plate. If you want to shake, shake, shake your way to a trim and lean you, act now!
Please note that customers that purchased the Life-Span Fitness Vibration Plate (really!) also purchased the Cloud b Twilight Constellation Night Light. That seems appropriate.

I should be off. I need to refresh a few times to make sure I haven't missed any CES news.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Porn Moguls Ask Congress For Help
Porn moguls Larry Flynt and Joe Francis are appealing to the U.S. Congress to grant the adult entertainment industry a $5 billion bail out - because it is suffering from the global economic meltdown just as much as others.
Hustler magazine entrepreneur Flynt claims adult DVD sales have plummeted in the last 12 months, with figures down 22 per cent from 2007.
Flynt warned that if Congress did not act quickly, the US adult entertainment industry could collapse, leaving Americans no other choice but to purchase porn made overseas.
"Do we want the high school boys and truck-drivers of America looking at Chinese tits? We don't know what they're made of. They could be filled with melamine and Communism. It's time for the federal government to stuff some money into the g-strings of the adult entertainment industry before we have no other options besides watching The Erotic Adventures of Mao ZeDong."



Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Cuidado, my friends!
They've stuffed a whole fiesta
In this Hot Pocket.

Sadly, my time to write is limited today. There's a bit of fussiness that has overtaken the household. In lieu of a timely and sharp-witted collection of observations of life, I instead offer you a sampling from my up-coming book Fuck You, Michael Keaton: The Tales of a True Mr. Mom.*

Chapter 2 - Homesteaded
So, you're a dad (or mom) at home with your first young child. Great! You're learning how to live life as a parent, and not as an individual. It's not a bad thing - it's just a different thing. Different how? Let me provide for you an example.
Pre-baby, you most likely had visitors come to your house (perhaps often!) to converse and delight in your company. Pre-baby, you most likely thought of yourself as a good host, one that encouraged repeat visits from your friends.
Post-baby, you will become unable to have people at your house without it turning into an awkward social experiment.
After months of tending to your kid's feeding, sleeping, and diaper-changing needs, you'll forget how to interact with your peers. When they come by your house, you will ask if they need a drink or a snack. Then you will make sure they're comfortable. You'll probably also tell them where the bathroom is, even if they've been to your house before. After that, you will have nothing more to say, and why should you? Everything important has been taken care of - there's nothing left but to enjoy the silence.
Sadly, your guests will not enjoy the silence. They did not come to your house to sit quietly - they came to converse. Therefore, I've assembled a list of questions you can use to spur on conversation:
1) How are your jobs?
2) How about this weather?
2a) What is the weather?
3) Isn't it fun when you're not covered in spit-up?
4) Would you mind acting out the last movie you saw, so I can pretend that I've seen it too?
5) Do you mind watching the baby while we go for a short three-week vacation to the Bahamas?
Do not be alarmed if your guests take leave in the middle of your interrogation session. Most likely, they were frightened by your aggressiveness. You'll learn to overcome this in the next five years.

Coming up next: how to leave your baby in the care of your friends and family (hint: sneak out of the house when they are in the rest room!)

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama raises $27 million for inaugural
Despite the economic hard times, money keeps pouring in for President-elect Barack Obama's inaugural festivities.
The inaugural committee has raised at least $27 million, donor information on its Web site Tuesday showed. Most of that has come in over the past three weeks.
More than 2,000 donors are helping to finance Obama's Jan. 20 swearing-in festivities. At least 378 gave the maximum $50,000.
The $50,000 donors get access to inaugural events including candlelight dinners with appearances by members of Congress and the Obamas and tickets to an official ball, the swearing-in ceremony and parade seating. They also receive a free cabinet position of their choosing regardless of previous experience.



* - Working title.

Monday, January 5, 2009


The future is here
And it is just small enough
For me to misplace.

I am a fan of music: this is a fact. I could spend hours in the bitter cold if I can bring my mp3 player with me. I would take the city bus for a tour through the innards of a pork processing plant, as long as there are some rocking tunes playing over the loudspeakers. I firmly believe that vinyl records provide the best sound, although I haven't owned a record or record player in twenty years.

Yet, with all this being true, it took me until 2009 to purchase my first digital album.

The entertainment center in my living room is overcrowded with loose CDs and CD cases. I have several CD organizers, all of which are packed with music. Next to the three CD players in my house lay small stacks of compact discs. There's something about the tangibility of the CD that I've never before been able to shake (at least, not since I got my first set of CDs from Columbia House back in the 90's.)

That's not to say I haven't downloaded music before. I have, but it was all free (sometimes intentionally!)

Why the change? Perhaps it could be the new iPod that Santa brought me. Perhaps it could be the free $5 credit at Perhaps it could be the availability of music on-line that is hard to find in stores. Or, perhaps it could be that my entertainment center and the areas around my other assorted radios are disaster areas. All I know is that I am officially an "on-line music buyer" and I couldn't be happier about it.

Now I just need to figure out how to burn these tracks to vinyl...

In other news, the kid turns 4 months old today. According to the interwebs, she should be sleeping for nine hours straight at night. Boy, how I wish that was actually the case.

I should be off. There's a nap that's about to end. Such is life.
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama picks former Clinton White House chief of staff Leon Panetta to head CIA
Two Democratic officials say President-elect Barack Obama has chosen former Clinton White House chief of staff Leon Panetta to run the CIA. Panetta was a surprise pick for the post, with no experience in the intelligence world. An Obama transition official and another Democrat disclosed his nomination on a condition of anonymity since it was not yet public.
The official claimed that Panetta earned the position for two reasons: as the former Clinton chief of staff, he had considerable access to intelligence information and knows how the community operates. Also, he killed the other possible nominees for the position in a week-long battle royale that Obama had organized in Hawaii.



Saturday, January 3, 2009


And from the darkness
A single voice cries out loud:
Can you spare some change?

What is this, 2009? It's been a while, hasn't it? I've made a little resolution to get back into the writing thing. Let's see how long this lasts, shall we?

Anywho, in an effort to catch up, I'm including a summary of the past three months' worth of activity in a condensed format. Enjoy.
Spent time with the baby. Closed the BNW's election show. Opened the BNW's holiday show. Got the baby to smile. Went to Illinois/Indiana for pre-Thanksgiving. Saw a dead deer sticking out of the trunk of a Chevy Lumina. Talked about sending Christmas cards, but didn't get around to it. Heard the baby giggle. Had an adorable Christmas. Entertained a lot of various family members over various days. Found a large number of college, high school, junior high and elementary school classmates on Facebook. Laughed about Blagojevich. Bought a second car. Watched two cats fight.

I think that just about does it. Feel free to add an exclamation point to the item you enjoy the most, such as the dead deer one. It really makes that memory stand out.

This year - this 2009 - is going to be something special. I can feel it. I'm going to make this the first year that I win an Emmy. If you have any tips on ways that I can make that happen, please let me know.

I should be off. It's bed time, which is the most important time of the day. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Rant on CNN lands Kathy Griffin in hot water
Here's an on-air pairing that will probably never happen again after CNN's New Year's Eve telecast: Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.
Griffin was co-hosting the CNN special telecast of Times Square on New Year's Eve with Cooper. The "My Life on the D-List" star got into hot water early Thursday morning with some choice words to a heckler that were captured live on the channel.
"Screw you. Why don't you get a job, buddy?" she told the heckler. "You know what, I don't go to your job and knock the d---- out of your mouth."
The remark had been made as the channel was about to go to commercial, which it did right after, according to a recording of the incident widely available on YouTube.
The comment immediately drew the ire of hundreds of professional dick suckers, who flooded CNN's phone bank with complaints about "Kaffy Griffin an her anfi-difk-sufking prejudiffes." According to a written statement by the Professional Fellator's Community Handler Association and Nuture Group ("PF-CHANG"), "dick knock" is the number one cause of injuries in that line of business, and is not an issue that should be taken lightly.
PF-CHANG demands that Griffin makes a public apology immediately, before everyone forgets about it and moves on with their lives.

Welcome to 2009!