Saturday, September 27, 2008


The end of a year,
Or the start new year?
Who gives a shit? Cake!

Well, another birthday has come and gone. In the past, these things, these birthdays used to be week-long celebrations. For seven days, the only topics of conversation that I would agree to discuss were cake, presents, and the fact that Old Country Buffet is the adult Chuck E Cheese (instead of countless games and fun, you get countless chicken wings.) This year, however, things changed. For the first time in thirty-one years, my big day snuck up on me. Right around midnight on Wednesday, I realized, "Dang! I'm about to get older!" And then I did.

I guess the lack of sleep, constant attention to the kid, and LEGO Batman all conspired against me this year. Really, I should have expected it and planned ahead. My loss, I guess. I'll just have to make up for it next year and increase the celebrations by another week. Be prepared.

I did want to take a moment and say "thanks" to all of the web-based birthday wishes that came my way, including the video shout-out I got during a weather forecast. You really know how t make a fella feel special.

I should be off. There's no Today's Joke because, frankly, the kid's starting to smile, and I'm not gonna miss that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


My dreams have come true.
For one short moment, I was
A rock and roll star.

Last night, the BNW went to the Ivey awards, which is the Twin Cities theater community's chance to remind the Twin Cities theater community how great the Twin Cities theater community is. In regards to the awards: In some ways, I agree with the importance of celebrating the work done here in Minnesota. In other ways, I find it ridiculous to masturbate for that long. Theater folk do not change the world with their plays. Sometimes that little fact gets lost in all the hugs and clapping.
Anywho, the main reason I was at the Ivey's was to assist Josh (and Bobby) in a performance of the Obama Song. Really, all I did was stand on stage and pretend to play a fake guitar while those two sang and actually played real guitars. It was pretty neat to be waiting in the wings watching Josh rock the house. To be honest - he didn't rock the house. He destroyed it. Well done, Eakright. May the Twin Cities theater community shower you with candy treats for years on end.

Bobby - you were a delight.

Speaking of impressive Joshes, Josh Carson filled in for Mike in The Lion, The Witch, and The War Hero last Thursday with only four days notice and absolutely killed. It was darned impressive and deserves more than just this shout-out. Well done, Carson. May the BNW theater community shower you with candy treats for years on end.

In other news, there's a cell phone coming out in October that might give the iPhone a run for its money. It's called the G1 and runs on Google's new Android OS, which is an open-source interface that allows for user-created apps and has strong ties with Google Maps, GMail, Google Talk and many other things Google. I believe that, as a modern-day father, it's my duty to own one of these. I've got to stay hip if I don't want to embarrass the daughter, right? Now if only I can convince the wife that my four-month-old cell phone is obsolete and broken...

Well, I should be off. The kid should be waking up soon, which means another urine bath is coming my way. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Western Wis. farm turns manure into water
The owner of a large, western Wisconsin dairy farm is turning manure into purified water.
Emerald Dairy in St. Croix County has hundreds of cows and generates a lot of waste.
Owner John Vrieze says his separation system filters and purifies water in the manure so it's clean enough to drink.
Because Emerald Dairy is the first agriculture operation to try this, Vrieze has been trying for 30 months to get the state permits he needs to discharge the water into the environment instead of his manure lagoon. It would reduce by half the amount of manure that has to be spread on fields.
Department of Natural Resources water specialist Dan Bauman says that the state permits have been delayed because of Vrieze's insistence that the manure-turned-water be called "H-Pooh-Oh."
"Every time this issue comes up," Bauman explained, "the department becomes overwhelmed with nausea. It's tough to get things done when people are throwing up on the permit applications."


Thursday, September 18, 2008


The hours zoom by
Each day bleeds into the next.
When did I bathe last?

Apologies for the complete lack of missives this week. I would say that it was unexpected and abnormal, but I don't believe that's the case. The wife and I are taking advantage of our time with the kid and are enjoying spending each of her waking moments trying to figure out why she's crying. Being that the wife has a few months off from work, I'm guessing that this trend will continue and that days will fly by without even the thought of crafting a blog entering my mind. You understand, don't you?

Today marks my return to the BNW stage in a super-special Thursday night performance of The Lion, The Witch, And The War Hero. It's been almost three weeks since I last uttered lines from the show, so there's a decent chance that, halfway through tonight's performance, I'll start reciting lines from some other BNW show, or maybe even Magic Is A Lie. I might also begin delivering my lines in a high-pitched voice, using elongated vowels, as that's how I've been communicating with Sophie for the past two weeks. What I'm getting at is that if you want to see a man self-destruct on stage, tonight just might be your best opportunity.
As an added bonus, Josh Carson will be in for Mike Fotis tonight. I'm excited to see the antics of Mike as portrayed via the antics of Josh. It should be a true delight!

Well, it appears as though the baby is stirring, which means the crying will start shortly thereafter. I'd better get to Today's Joke before it's too late...
Biden says paying higher taxes gives wealthier Americans a chance to be patriotic
Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden said Thursday that paying more in taxes is the patriotic thing to do for wealthier Americans.
Under the economic plan proposed by Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, people earning more than $250,000 a year would pay more in taxes while those earning less — the vast majority of American taxpayers — would receive a tax cut.
Noting that wealthier Americans would indeed pay more, Biden said: "It's time to be patriotic ... time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut."
The McCain camp immediately responded to Biden's statement. Said one representative, "There's nothing patriotic about paying higher taxes. To be honest, a true patriot would find loopholes and other ways to avoid paying taxes. That's the true American way."
To that end, the McCain camp has sent a pamphlet entitled "How To Defraud the IRS" to each of its supporters.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008


My new alarm clock
Has a gentle, loving scream
And no snooze button.

Apologies for the irregularity of the daily missives. I hope you understand, but getting through a day requires a day and a half of pre-planning, and then, once the day begins, it all goes to hell before you can even get out of bed. Case in point: the wife and I decided yesterday afternoon that we would take a trip to Target today at noon. Even with the extended notice, we didn't even get set to leave the house until 1 pm. Luckily we didn't experience any diaper dilemmas during the trip as we were ill-prepared for anything but a poop-free journey. As it turns out, the wife has a couple of visitors that are doting on the baby. Thus, I have a free moment to transcribe some thoughts. Lucky you.

Thought 1: That little girl is the best thing in the world. Even at three in the morning, getting peed upon for the second time that night, she still makes me smile.

Thought 2: I can't believe I've been peed upon so many times this week. Hell, so many times today.

Thought 3: I should really be sleeping right now.

Thought 4: It's weird that I've been away from the places I normally haunt. I've stopped by the BNW for only a moment in the past week, I've eaten in for every single meal, and the walks with the dog have been remarkably short (mostly because the dog wants to get back to the baby. I'm not kidding about that.) I'll be back to real life sometime soon, I'm certain. Hopefully I'll get a haircut first.

Thought 5: Seriously. I should be sleeping right now.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Minn. primary cues 1st statewide recount since '62
Minnesota election officials are preparing for their first statewide recount since 1962 after a close finish in a primary race for state Supreme Court justice.
Two candidates seeking to challenge sitting Justice Lorie Gildea were separated by less than one half of 1 percentage point. It could require the manual review of more than 400,000 ballots, said John Aiken, a spokesman for the Secretary of State.
Aiken said the recount will begin next Wednesday, the day after the state canvassing board meets. The election officials have to overcome the shock of so many people actually voting for a Supreme Court Justice.
"Seriously, people," Aiken said, "you're just supposed to leave those spots blank. Don't you know how elections work?"



Monday, September 8, 2008


There is no haiku.
The baby has pooped on it

Goodness gracious. It's been quite the weekend. My head is still spinning at what's happened since late Thursday night...

Anywho, I just wanted to post a little missive about the birth of our daughter Sophia. She was born at 7:07 pm on Fri. Sep. 5th. at 8 pounds, 8 ounces, and 21.5 inches long. All in all, she is the best thing in the world.

The second best thing in the world is all the support we've gotten here on the blog. We appreciate all of the comments, phone calls, text messages and flowers that have been flooding our various technological devices. Thanks.

The funny thing about parenthood is that, before it happens, everybody feels it necessary to dole out words of wisdom, both negative and positive, whether they're parents or not. The even funnier thing is that all of those words of wisdom are true, but the positive ones are truer than the negative one.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to go stare at my little girl some more. Perhaps I'll also sleep.

No joke for today. My snarkiness is on vacation.


Saturday, September 6, 2008

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Throughout the ages
One truism has lived on:
We all like poop jokes.

Apologies for the delayed blog. There is no baby at the root of my procrastination. Well, not directly. The wife and I did start the say at the doctor with a a weekly check-up, just to make sure all was well and good (it is!) After that, we visited the Minneapolis Institute of Arts to take a look at their collection. For a free museum, the MIA has an unbelievably large collection. After two hours, we saw maybe 30% of their art. That ain't bad!

The best part about the trip to the museum is that I saw a piece of art (in the "modern" section that a) I liked and b) is easily duplicated. It's just some painted wood on differently-painted wood. I have the ability to paint, and I have the ability to hammer or glue (or both). Thus, I might just be spending the rest of the day visiting the hardware store and obtaining the tools necessary to replicate someone else's creativity. It appears that the baby isn't planning on entering the real world anytime soon, so I've got the time. Plus, this project will hopefully keep my mind off the anxious waiting that I've come to know and love these past few days.

I whould probably be off. Before I depart, two things:
1) Sarah Palin is f-ing crazy. How so? According to the AP:
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin told ministry students at her former church that the United States sent troops to fight in the Iraq war on a "task that is from God."
In an address last June, the Republican vice presidential candidate also urged ministry students to pray for a plan to build a $30 billion natural gas pipeline in the state, calling it "God's will."

What the hell? How crazy do you have to be to think that a war and a pipeline are all in God's big plan? For an all-knowing being, it's kind of strange to think that God would want an unending war and the continual raping of our planet. But whatevs.
On the plus side, I'm hoping her supporters pray so hard on election day that they forget to go out and vote. A guy can dream, can't he?
2) Sarah Palin is even more f-ing crazy than I originally thought. Again, according to the AP:
At the National Governors Association conference where she first met John McCain, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin had other business: making her case to Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne against classifying the polar bear as a threatened species.
Months later she sued Kempthorne, arguing that the Bush administration didn't use the best science in concluding that without further protection, the polar bear faces eventual extinction because of disappearing sea ice as the result of global warming.
In her 20 months as governor, Palin has questioned the conclusions of federal marine scientists who say the Cook Inlet beluga whale needs protection under the federal Endangered Species Act.
She has defended Alaska's right to shoot down wolves from the air to boost caribou and moose herds for hunters, and — contrary to a view held by McCain — is not convinced that global warming is the result of human activity.

Where did you learn that, Sarah Palin? When you were president of a city council? When you were runner up to Miss Alaska? Did you secretly become an environmental scientist while the kids were at hockey practice?
This is just plain frightening.
3) Here's Today's Joke:
Jesse Jackson hospitalized overnight after complaining of stomach pains; says he feels better
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was hospitalized and undergoing tests Thursday after complaining of severe stomach pains.
Doctors told him he has viral gastroenteritis but were conducting more tests. The 66-year-old civil rights leader said he was feeling much better Thursday morning but wasn't sure when he would be released.
Jackson said he was campaigning for Sen. Barack Obama and doing voter registration in Georgia when he began to feel ill after apparently becoming dehydrated.
"It felt like someone cut the nuts out of my stomach," Jackson told reporters.
Jackson continued to say that after he was released from the hospital, he would work to have the word "gastroenteritis" stricken from the English language.



Wednesday, September 3, 2008


I'll prove I love you
By driving you to the park
And sexing you good.

There's a story behind today's haiku (which is abnormal). The wife, the dog, and I were walking around the local lake yesterday. We had had our fill of nature and were heading back to our car. An old SUV was parked near our car. The front windows were rolled down on the SUV. In the back seat? Some sweet, sweet man/woman action. Growl! There's nothing like a little parking lot lovin'!

Anywho, today is the official due date for the baby. According to the doctors and ultrasound technicians, the kid should be ready and willing to make her arrival. However, that appears to not be the case. The womb might just be a little too comfortable for her, as she is showing no signs of departure.
This, of course, is not a surprising thing. Only 5% of people are born on their due date, and those 5% all turn out to be mid-level managers. It's a fact!

That being said, it appears that today will be another holiday for the wife and I. We're planning on visiting a museum because we can. That won't be the case in a few days from now.

Well, I should be off. I need to press my finest museum-going suit before today's activities. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Affidavit outlines plans for chaos
Almost a year to the day before the Republican National Convention began, members of a self-described anarchist group gathered to talk about ways to disrupt it, including kidnapping delegates, sabotaging air vents at the Xcel Energy Center, blocking bridges and "capturing federal buildings" in Minneapolis and St. Paul.
Unbeknown to the RNC Welcoming Committee, two police informants and an undercover investigator had infiltrated their ranks, according to an affidavit and search warrant application filed Tuesday. The informants and investigator accessed group e-mails, attended meetings, talked strategies with members and participated in camps and workshops.
The RNC Welcoming Committee held two "pReNC" gatherings, one from Aug. 31 through Sept. 1, 2007, and another on May 3. At the first, 150 to 200 people -- including one of the informants -- talked about tactics to "shut down the RNC." Some tactics included using Molotov cocktails and chemical-filled balloons to cause destruction to RNC property. Other tactics were focused on containing the police and keeping them from protecting the delegates.
One RNC Welcoming Committee even suggested removing the letter "R" from the English alphabet, reasoning that "there can't be an RNC without an 'R'."



Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Summer's last hurrah
Finally burned itself out.
Tomorrow? Snow storms.

Well, Labor Day has come and gone, the unofficial end of summer has passed, and now we're all getting set to watch the days shorten and the temperatures drop. The lazy days of kicking around and letting life happen have been replaced by the busy days sitting up and waiting for life to happen. Exciting.

However, with the wife out of work on maternity leave and no actual baby to maternity, today has just become another holiday of lounging around and installing car seats. That being said, I'm going to keep today's missive short. I have coffee to drink.

I do want to mention, however, that I think I just found my kid's first cellphone. Adorable and necessary!

Anywho, I'm out of here. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Evangelicals rally behind Palin after pregnancy news
Key evangelical leaders rallied to Sarah Palin's support Monday amid news that her 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, was having a child.
Palin and John McCain oppose abortion and have supported promoting abstinence in schools, which would seem to make Bristol Palin's pregnancy an inconveniently timed development.
But she is keeping the child, a fact that could make the Alaska governor -- whose candidacy has been enthusiastically embraced by evangelicals who regard her as one of their own -- even more popular among that key GOP voting bloc.
"Fortunately, Bristol is following her mother and father's example of choosing life in the midst of a difficult situation," Family Research Council president Tony Perkins said. "We are committed to praying for Bristol and her husband-to-be and the entire Palin family as they walk through a very private matter in the eyes of the public."
"Sure, if Palin was a Democrat, we'd be railing against her family's lack of Christian morals and their failure to abstain from sex until marriage," Parkins continued. "But the Palins are different. A little elephant told me so."



Monday, September 1, 2008


We all know the truth:
We're not at our computers
Reading these haikus.

No blog for today. It's sunny, there's no work to be done, and the nation's eyes are glued to the news outlets because of Gustav. There's no need for a missive today.

Go have a hot dog.