Wednesday, October 29, 2008


The heart grows fonder
With the absence of one's love.
Whatev. Here's a blog.

Oh my goodness. It's been quite the while since I posted last. What, two weeks? Seventeen days? Over half of a month?
Who's counting, really?

Apologies for the grand delay in entries. Every day, I think to myself, "I should st down and craft a missive for posting on the blogger." Almost immediately thereafter, my brain shuts down at the thought of the hundreds of things that I need to do around the house. Laundry. Dishes. Writing for the BNW. Feeding the baby. Feeding the pets. Feeding myself. Pooping. Let's face it, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Sacrifices have to be made.

As far as the kid is concerned, things are going very well. She keeps getting bigger and eating more and more, which is exactly what is expected. At night, the wife and I are entertained by sleep. We don't really have time to enjoy it, but at least we get to stop by for a moment and say hello. If either of us sleeps for more than three hours in a row, it's considered a successful night. Those are rare.
There's one thing that makes it all worth it: the kid is practicing her smiles. She can't do them all the time, nor can she hold them for more than a moment, but when she's smiling, everything is A-OK.

Other than parenthood and numerous trips to Target, the rest of my time has been claimed by the BNW. We've begun putting together the holiday show. I know that I say this every time, but this little puppy is looking to be quite the laugh-riot. There have been several scripts presented that were so funny, they almost reversed cancer. Mark your calendars. Come mid-November the BNW is going to become a haven for life-saving comedy. I promise.

(Speaking of BNW-type things, we've been podcasting. You know this, right?)

Well, I should be off. My five minutes of free time are quickly expiring. I'd say that I'd be coming back to regular posting, but we all know that would be a lie.

Ooh! If you're looking to celebrate Halloween the right way, then you'd better show up at the BNW Thursday night at 8 pm for Creature Feature and the Survivors of the Undead Plague. It's not Halloween without this show!

What's this? Today's Joke!
Top Republicans call for Sen. Stevens to resign
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has joined other top Republicans in calling for convicted Sen. Ted Stevens to resign.
Earlier on Tuesday both members of the Republican presidential ticket -- Sen. John McCain and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin -- as well as other Republican senators called on Stevens, R-Alaska, to step down.
Sen. John Ensign, the Nevada Republican who heads the National Republican Senatorial Committee, also issued a strongly worded statement Tuesday.
"I am disappointed to see his career end in disgrace," Ensign said. "Sen. Stevens had his day in court and the jury found he violated the public's trust -- as a result he is properly being held accountable."
To further entice the embattled Senator to step down, various members of the Republican Party have offered assorted kitchen appliances, a new hi-def television, a free fishing trip, and other goodies to Stevens upon his resignation.



Sunday, October 12, 2008


You can have it all
In the city of neon...
You just can't keep it.

As I write this, I'm facing my final few hours in Las Vegas.

Wait! What?

My older brother and his lady-friend got hitched this weekend in the den of sin that is known as Las Vegas. I came along for the ride for three reasons: 1) it's my brother; 2) I was the officiant; and 3) I had only spent two hours in Vegas prior to this weekend and decided, as a man of the world, that I should probably examine this city closely over a forty-eight hour time span. And to clarify - "this city" is really defined by "the Flamingo hotel and the sidewalk immediately outside of the Flamingo hotel."

This is what I've learned:
1 - I hate people. The thing that brought this to light was witnessing a middle-aged couple converse with complete strangers on the shuttle from the airport to the hotel. These people, who had known each other for roughly twenty seconds, were making crude jokes with each other and telling them life secrets (in loud voices) without the slightest hesitation. Obviously, the concept of "stranger danger" was not drilled into these people's heads in elementary school, resulting in a thirty minute party-bus-like experience when all I wanted was to silently enjoy my trip from point A to point B.
Bah humbug.

2 - Of all the people there are to hate, Jimmy Buffet is the worst. This realization came to me when, shortly after arriving at the hotel, my brother, his soon-to-be wife, and a few of their friends decided to get dinner... at Margaritaville. What's that? You think it's fun to have members of the waitstaff on stilts for no reason? You think it's awesome to show a thirty-minute loop of live Jimmy Buffet concerts, complete with footage of "Parrot Heads" drinking themselves to oblivion and a cover of "Werewolves of London"? You think it's "rad" to charge $13 for a turkey burger? Sorry, Jimmy, but I hope you choke on your cheeseburger in paradise.

3 - Roulette is still the cruel, cruel mistress that I remember from several years ago. Damn you, roulette. How I love you. How I hate you.

4 - All casinos should have Pussycat-Doll-esque go-go dancers. Once the sun set outside the Flamingo, two lingerie-clad whore-mobiles would climb up upon a platform in the center of a bank of blackjack tables and gyrate away for the duration of the evening. The most fascinating part of this is that everyone (everyone!) would stop and stare at the dancers. Men, ladies, fathers, mothers, Puritans, Asian grandmothers... the wriggling of the well-waxed lady-hips captured the attention of everyone nearby. After a few minutes of gawking, each on-looker would scan the room at the other patrons with a look of wild disbelief. Then they would look one more time, just to make sure.

5 - All casinos, especially those with hotels, should also have shower curtains for their showers. This is a fact that I have learned the hard way. I look like a real jerk in the shower.

6 - (This is tied in with point #4) Everyone likes a nudie show. Sure, plenty of people will say that they don't, but they do. It's a plain and simple fact. Deal with it.

7 - If you go gambling with a group of people, it is a certain fact that everyone but you will come out ahead. I'm not quite sure how this works, but I've put in plenty of time and money to arrive at this conclusion. Therefore, if you must gamble - do it alone. You can thank me later.

There you have it. Seven observations about Las Vegas. Now you don't have to make the trip out here.
I'd probably have more thoughts about the city in general if I attempted to walk down the strip or take in a few of the other sights, but the grasp that the Flamingo had on me was a tad too strong. Damn you, gaudy pink decor!

I should be off. My flight leaves in a scant eight hours. That leaves me just enough time to hit the floor for one more run at the penny slots. Alone.

No joke for today. I'm pretty sure the jokes will return someday, but this ain't that someday.


Friday, October 3, 2008


These colors don't run
Because they're just too damned proud
And stupid to run.

Even with the arrival of my daughter, there are still a few things that can get the old cranky professor up out of bed and in front of the computer, ready to fill a missive with a tenuous anger that almost irks the bile of the interwebs. Sure, this all could be a projection of hatred caused by the Cubs' complete collapse in the post-season (Come on! Really? You're gonna lose the first two games of the series? Fine. Whatever.) but still, there are a few items that need addressing. Here goes:
1) The Veep debates. People are giving Palin credit for being able to participate in the debate without completely breaking down into tears. Fuck that. How about giving Palin credit for answering the questions that were posed to her? Oh, she didn't - even going so far as saying "I'm not going to answer that question. I'll talk about our energy plan instead." This wasn't a speech, Palin. It was a debate. Wherein you're expected to answer the questions posed. If you can't do that, then you fail. Simple.
And if you want to talk about your energy plan, then you really shouldn't talk about a plan that does little to wean the American people off oil. I'm pretty certain that drilling for oil in the outer-continental shelf and in ANWAR isn't going to do a whole lot to a) cut down on greenhouse gas emissions, b) give the American market incentive to look to alternative fuel sources, or c) actually get us out of the crisis we're currently in. We need a champion for change that considers ideas beyond using depletable natural resources. Of course, that champion also needs to understand the cause of the climate crisis, something Palin also fails to do.
What's even more disturbing is the number of people that liked her "straight talk" and "down-home-ness," because she says things like "darn right" and "doggone it." Haven't we learned our lessons from having a "down-home" leader? Why does it seem that the people that want leaders that are more intelligent than the average citizen are in the minority?
One last thing on Palin: I'm not quite sure how she can call herself "middle class" when her estimated assets are over $1 million. Seems to me that she's at least upper-middle class...

Sorry for the pointed ranting about Palin. She just frightens me so much.

2) The bail-out bill. This has already turned into a long-ish blog, so I'll keep it short. The original draft of the bailout bill was three pages long. The bill that the House killed was just over 100 pages. The bill passed by the Senate? 450 pages. Most of that is extraneous "sweetener" that adds an extra $120 billion to the cost of the bill. It also includes the Energy Improvement and Extension Act of 2008, the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addition Equity ACt of 2008, and the Heartland Disaster Tax Relief Act of 2008.
In an economic bailout bill.
Fuck you, Senate.

I'm going back to cuddling with the baby.

No joke for today.