Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Memories linger
Past laughter echoes softly
We drown in our tears.

Well, as promised, yesterday was spent playing Grand Theft Auto. Granted, the entire day was not spent in front of the video game. I went out to breakfast, and I walked the dog. Heck, I even cleaned some dishes. Still, while some (me) would say I didn't get enough gaming in, others (everybody else) would say I wasted the day away. I'm OK with that. Today, I'm working all day long. Tomorrow is a day of writing. Friday? Friday I meet with people to discuss important things. Thus you see, yesterday was my day of fun. I took advantage. You would have done the same!

Sadly, yesterday's activities give me little to talk about. Sure, I could go on and on about the GTA, but who wants that? (By the way, it's pretty great. Like FOTIS great.) Instead, I'll give you an update on some of your favorite actors from your childhood.
- Remember that guy that played one of the garage attendants that takes Cameron's dad's car out for a joy-ride? Well, he's been busy in Hollywood, making such great films as Frankenfish Good for you, that guy!
- Remember Vickie the Robot from the tv show Small Wonder? She's not actually a robot! She's actually a human! And a nurse!
- Face! The A-Team's Dirk Benedict was in the soon-to-be-award-winning movie Recon 7 Down. What? You haven't heard of this movie? Close your eyes and imagine the greatest film ever. Now you have heard of it. You're welcome.

There you have it. Your past, revisited. What a fun stroll down memory lane.

I should be off. Some work is calling for my attention, and attention must be paid. If you have a few moments, check out the old BNW podcast. It's good for a laugh.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Google To Fine-Tune Image Searches
Google researchers say they have a software technology intended to do for digital images on the Web what the company’s original PageRank software did for searches of Web pages.
On Thursday at the International World Wide Web Conference in Beijing, two Google scientists presented a paper describing what the researchers call VisualRank, an algorithm for blending image-recognition software methods with techniques for weighting and ranking images that look most similar.
Rather than relying on a text query, the service focuses on the ability to match shapes or objects that might be hard to describe in writing, said Munjal Shah, the chief executive of Riya.
According to Shah, "a search for 'tit' will no longer result in images of birds appearing. We at Google know what you want, and what you want is a page full of breasts."
A brief demo of the new image search result in pages upon pages of topless women no matter what query was entered. The users at the demonstration were all very pleased.



Tuesday, April 29, 2008


The streets will run red
With the blood of innocents.
Virtual madness!

If you reside deep within the city of Nerdom, as I sometimes do, you might know that today marks the release date of Grand Theft Auto IV for the Xbox 360 and PS3. GTA is, in a few words, an open-ended virtual world that celebrates life (and the violent ending of), liberty (of people from their cars) and the pursuit of happiness (via prostitutes.) It's a game of vices and the exploration thereof. It's an immersion of the self into a base life that reveals truths you probably wouldn't and shouldn't want to confront. And it's in my living room. The rest of today will not be spent enjoying the return of the lovely spring weather. Today will be spent with my back to the outside world and my eyes focused on my avatar, running around a pretend metropolis with a rocket launcher and a penchant for making cars into low-flying aircraft. I don't ask you to understand. I just ask you to accept it.

Besides, I had enough "outside time" last night. The BNW Skirt Turtles played another game of softball. By the end of the game, I was bruised, bloody and broken. Heck, that was the end of the first inning. A terrible slide into second resulted in a large chunk of skin leaving my leg. I wish I could say that the slide resulted in a run being scored and that the Skirt Turtles won by a large margin, but that would be a tremendous lie on several levels. However, the last couple of innings showed a Skirt Turtle team that had some true softball-playing talent. I think that after seven or eighteen more games, we might actually win one.

Anywho, I should be off. My trigger finger is itchy. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Raccoon blamed for expensive power failure in southeastern Minnesota
A wayward raccoon is being blamed for an expensive power failure that struck a handful of small towns near Rochester, Minn., last night and lasted until well into the morning.
Lewiston, Stockton, Utica, Wyattville, Altura and rural areas in between all lost electricity to varying degrees starting at about 9 p.m. Monday, said Lewiston Fire Chief Charlie Matzke and a utility spokesman.
Upon hearing this news, President Bush called a press conference this morning to blame the struggling economy on a small family of chipmunks that had been secretly feeding on consumer confidence for the past few months. Similarly, according to Bush, the on-going struggle in Iraq has actually been the result of rogue badgers with tiny little rocket-propelled grenades.
The White House plans to address these new adorable threats with extreme force.



Monday, April 28, 2008


Everthing has moved.
What was once here is now there.
I can't find my keys.

Well, here we are. Blogger. Blogspot. Really, it's all the same, and it isn't MySpace. This feels different. More adult, but not in that gross, "take my pants off" way. Although my pants are off.

Anywho, thanks for making the jump over here. I'll keep posting the haikus in both places for a while, but the meat, the substance, the marrow of the daily postings will be over here (along with a reposting of the haiku.) Enjoy wherever your heart decides.

Sadly, I have little time to delight in the new blog home. I've got a busy day of cleaning, rehearsing, and softball playing (tonight at 8 pm at Nokomis Field #4) ahead of me. I do, however, have time for a quick question:
On Saturday, the wife and I had a week's worth of errands to run. Among the many places we went (Dr. Seuss was right!) was Borders, the poor-man's Barnes and Nobles. Whilst there, Stevie Wonder's hit "Sir Duke" started playing. I enjoyed the song for a moment and continued on my way.
Later on Saturday, when I visited Kowalski's for my between-shows meal, I heard "Sir Duke" again, this time from the grocery store speakers. I considered the chances of hearing the same song in two different locales, but quickly stopped when I realized that I didn't have the brain-power to consider those tyes of statistics.
After the shows and improv set on Saturday night, I hung out with folks at the BNW for a while, then hopped into the car. I started searching around the dial (something I don't normally do) for a good tune. What did I land on? A remixed version of "Sir Duke", thus officially making it a Sirdukerday.
Either the gods wanted to make sure my day met its quota of Stevie Wonder, or three very happy coincidences took place. It's a win-win both ways, so I'm not complaining.
My question is this:
If there was one song you heard whenever you walked into a store or got into your car, what song would you like it to be? Having experienced a Sirdukerday, I'm comfortable placing that as my top choice.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Mars, Buffett to buy Wrigley for $23 billion
Mars will pay $80 in cash for each share of Wrigley share, a 28% premium over Wrigley's Friday closing price of $62.45, the McLean, Va.-based and closely held Mars said in a statement Monday
The transaction is aimed at strengthening and diversifying Mars' position in the confectionery business worldwide. Upon completion of the deal, its brands would include M&M's and Snickers, Wrigley's chewing gum and Altoids breath mints, and it would play a role in businesses ranging from chocolate and nonchocolate confectionery to drinks and pet care.
Experts say the merger will lead to a number of new products combining the existing brands of Mars and Wrigley's. Consumers can expect a new Spearmint Snickers gum to be on the shelves by 2009, a product that will "combine the minty taste of spearmint gum with the great chocolate and peanut texture of a Snickers bar."
Experts also forecast the merger and subsequent new products will to lead to bankruptcy for Mars, Inc.



Friday, April 25, 2008


Tonight, we will laugh,
We will live our fantasies,
We will improvise.

Tonight, I would not like to be in your shoes, as you have a number of life-changing decisions to make. First and foremost, you have to choose between seeing The Neutrino Project at the BLB at 10:30, or Punch Out! at the BNW at 11 pm. Of course, your mind will be swayed when you remember that Ferrari McSpeedy is playing at Punch Out! this week. Sorry Neutrino, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.
The next decision you'll be forced to make is how loudly you applaud for FMcS when you help crown them as the evening's winners in the Punch Out! competition. Do you clap and holler loudly, letting your true feelings for Mike and Joe out in the open, or do you restrain yourself and clap and holler softly, knowing that anything more than that will force you to deal with a joy you've never before experienced and, honestly, is kind of scary.
Like I said, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Enough of that, let's get to the meat of the missive, shall we?

Next week, the old blog's going to go through some changes. Beginning Monday, I'll post the daily haiku here on MySpace, followed by a link to my blogger account. For those of you that enjoy RSS feeds and iGoogle dashboards, this should be a blessing. For those that enjoy MySpace notices of new blog postings, this should still work for you. Look at me, compromising!
The reason I'm alerting you to this change is that I would hate to have someone open up Monday's MySpace blog, see only a haiku posted, and deduce that I had died before I could finish the missive, hitting "post blog" as my final breath escaped my body.
Of course, now if that happens, I'll seem like a real jerk, won't I?

Anywho, I should be off. The rain has stopped for a moment, so I shall take advantage and enjoy a quick walk with the puppy. He's been moping around the house all morning.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Bush says rebates going out Monday should help people cope with high gas, food prices
President Bush said tax rebates will start going out Monday, earlier than previously announced, and should help Americans cope with rising gasoline and food prices, as well as aid a slumping economy.
"Starting Monday, the effects of the stimulus will begin to reach millions of households across our country," Bush said Friday in remarks on the South Lawn of the White House.
"This week, people will be able to actually fill their gas tank and buy a week's worth of groceries. And it's all because I had the foresight to give people money before this economic downturn completely destroyed us. I said to myself, 'why should we worry about solving the problems that are causing this recession when I can just toss money at people instead?'"
Bush also reminded the general public that any citizen depositing their check onto a savings account will be sent to Guantanamo immediately.



Psst! Tonight at 11 pm at the BNW, Ferrari McSpeedy competes against Rudy Cosby at Punch Out! You probably don't want to miss it.

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Many people think
They want a waffle maker.
They just want waffles.

It's a rainy day here in the Minneapolis. I have no scheduled obligations until this evening, when I am due to perform the BNW's 50th anniversary show. Sure, I have a few things to do around the house and around the town, but I can do those things at my leisure. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster. I've already spent too much of this morning reading about umbrella stands and games I'll never play. Every time that I try to focus and complete this missive, I get distracted by everything. Old friends on Facebook. An empty cup of coffee. The small fire that has started in my closet.
If I don't try to focus up, I'm going to end up spending the rest of the day messing around on my blogspot account and I won't get any of my errands done! What a nightmarish scenario!
OK. I'm going to really try and keep my mind on task. I can do it. Serious.
Shoot! There are new lists up at McSweeneys. I'll be right back...
Dang it! I did it again!
Come on, Joe. You can do this.
All right. Here we go.
Electric cars!

That's it. I give up. I just can't blog today. I hope you understand.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Florida considers Christian license plate
The Florida Legislature is considering a specialty plate with a design that includes a Christian cross, a stained-glass window and the words "I Believe."
Rep. Edward Bullard, the plate's sponsor, said people who "believe in their college or university" or "believe in their football team" already have license plates they can buy. The new design is a chance for others to put a tag on their cars with "something they believe in," he said.
If the plate is approved, Florida would become the first state to have a license plate featuring a religious symbol that's not part of a college logo.
Florida's specialty license plates require the payment of additional fees, some of which go to causes the plates endorse, such as agencies that helped people broadcast their faith in other ridiculous ways.
Those with the religious plates not only would promote their faith, but they would also have total access to car-pool-only lanes, as their co-pilot, Jesus, is always in the car with them.
If the Florida legislature approves the Christian plate, they can expect calls for other faith-based plates to follow. Supporters of the Jewish faith, Islam, Buddhism and the Flying Spaghetti Monster have already said that they have drawings made up and ready for approval. Local agnostic groups have also expressed interest in a plate, but they can't decide what it should look like.



Psst! This Friday at 11 pm at the BNW, Ferrari McSpeedy competes against Rumpledshirts at Punch Out! You probably don't want to miss it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Never fight a man
That plays Pokemon often -
His balls hold magic.

Well, the PA primary is over and done with, and all of the papers are saying that even with a 10% lead over Barack, Hillary gained some momentum but still has a way to go to actually overcome her opponent, and last night's win might have been a little too late. Now we all turn to Indiana and North Carolina and pray this ordeal ends soon.

I do have to question one thing:
One of the articles I read echoed a statement I've heard before. A CNN analyst said, "Look for Clinton to head into upcoming contests with the message that Obama can't win in the big states like Pennsylvania and Ohio that Democrats will need to regain the White House."
Isn't this a false message? I recognize that Clinton keeps winning in the big states, but that doesn't mean Obama can't win them. He just couldn't win them against a Democratic opponent. Against a Republican opponent, he might have a much better chance. Maybe I'm missing something here, but it doesn't seem right to project the results of these primaries onto the national elections. It just seems like an illogical argument, which means it will probably work wonders for the Clinton camp. That makes me sad.

In other news, the new REM album isn't bad! I'm halfway through it, and my head keeps bobbing. Good work, fellas!

I should be off. It's oatmeal time, if you know what I mean... Before I depart, here's Today's Joke!
Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles' wedding officially confirmed
The marriage of superstars Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles has been officially confirmed, after a marriage licence was filed to authorities in New York.
It had been widely believed that the couple got married on April 4, although neither of them have confirmed whether the ceremony took place.
However, Donna Conkling, a clerk who works in the New York suburb Scarsdale, said that official wedding licences confirming the marriage had been received, reports BBC News.
To further solidify the confirmation, Jay-Z is planning to release a new single called "(Now I Have) 100 Problems" in the coming weeks.



Psst! This Friday at 11 pm at the BNW, Ferrari McSpeedy competes against Ramblin'On at Punch Out! You probably don't want to miss it.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


The clock is ticking,
I shouldn't be wasting time
Writing a haiku.

Sadly, there is little time for frivolities and typing today. A small bit of work has popped up and threatened to usurp my schedule. Now I am faced with the impossible task of writing a blog and surfing the internet in less than thirty minutes. If there's anything I hate, it would be a time restriction on webternet surfing. It's like telling a group of children that they can only play "Dress-Up Costume Time" with burlap sacks. That's just not how it's meant to be done.

Anywho, here are a couple of items of note:
1) For a while last night, the BNW Skirt Turtles were 2-0 for the season. Unfortunately, that was during the second inning of last night's game. We are currently 1-1 with a number of pulled muscles and bruised shins. We had a good hustle on the field. I think next week will be a little more exciting and winning.
2) The PA primaries are today. For the past month plus, we've been told that today will be the deciding factor in choosing the Democratic party's official candidate. I think that today's primary will actually do nothing to decide the candidate, and the battle between Clinton and Obama will continue on for the next few months. In fact, today's primary might signal the start of a nation-wide dismissal of the election process, since this whole thing has been stuffed down our throats by the media for a too long now. Then again, maybe that's just me...
I am excited to see the results of the primary. My guess is that Clinton will win by a small margin and both parties will see that as a victory. And then Indiana will finally get its day in the sun. Is that really what we want, America?

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Pa. voters weigh in on hard-edged Democratic contest
A six-week, increasingly hard-edged Pennsylvania primary contest between Democrats Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama culminated Tuesday as voters registered their choice — a decision that could save or sink Clinton's flagging candidacy.
The candidates questioned each other's character and readiness to be commander in chief in last-minute television ads and barnstormed the state in a final pitch for votes in the most populous and delegate-rich state remaining in the nominating contest. Some 4 million Democrats were eligible to cast ballots, with 158 delegates at stake.
Meanwhile, Americans outside of Pennsylvania promised to sit inside their homes all day and try to not cause any news whatsoever. Any citizen that is caught distracting news stations from the PA primaries will be forced to sit in a room with Clinton and Obama and listen to the two candidates bitch at each other for three hours.



Psst! This Friday at 11 pm at the BNW, Ferrari McSpeedy competes against Rumblespeed at Punch Out! You probably don't want to miss it.

Monday, April 21, 2008


The sun is burning,
Charcoal embers are ablaze,
Wieners on fire!

Last night... What can I say about last night except this:
Grilling season has returned! This is an exciting time. There's nothing quite like tossing some (veggie) burgers on the grill, then realizing that you haven't checked on them in thirty minutes and finding them charred to a crisp, then covering them in mustard and salsa just to make the taste near-bearable. Is there anything greater? I don't think so.

In other news, I'm planning some big things for myself. What big things? Read on, dear reader!
I'm going to make it a mission of mine to get into before the year is out. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do this, but I figure that, as I write every day, and I work in the field of comedy, it should be a do-able thing. I'll probably just aim to get into their "Lists" section, although a regular haiku posting would also be fancy. I'll let you know if I experience any success.

I'm also considering moving to a Blogger account. I already have professorjoeferrari all lined up and ready for words. Now it's just a matter of getting those words from MySpace to Blogger. I'm not sure why the change is necessary, it just seems like I'll be more "real" over there. Plus, I can change my wallpaper and font color without using the phrase "I pimped my page." I shall do no pimping. I am sad that that phrase has become so popular with the youngans. What are we teaching the future of America's youth?

I don't think I'll leave MySpace altogether. I'm considering posting the daily haiku, then linking the Blogger page from there. Look for the change to happen within the week. If you need to consult with a friend regarding this change, I recommend that you do that soon.

I should be off. There's a big softball game at Nokomis fields tonight at 5:50. There is a lot of mental preparation that needs to happen prior to the exhibition.
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Last Chance for Pennsylvania
Today's the last chance for Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama to make their case to Pennsylvanians who may still be undecided after the six-week spotlight on their state. The Keystone State holds its Democratic primary Tuesday.
Overall, write Jeff Zeleny and Katharine Q. Seelye of The New York Times, both campaigns are going ultra-negative on one another in this dash to the finish.
Senator Clinton is asking voters to remember her rival's "bitter" comment and criticizing his health care plan, while Senator Obama is outspending her two-to-one on ads.
Clinton spent most of Sunday burning Obama in effigy in towns across Pennsylvania while Barack hired a gang of teens to punch the elderly in the name of Hillary.
Today, each campaign plans on making one last push across the state, setting fire to any house that has a sign in support of their opponent.
Citizens of Pennsylvania are looking forward to tomorrow, when this over-hyped primary ends and the on-going battle between the Democrats moves to another state.



Psst! This Friday at 11 pm at the BNW, Ferrari McSpeedy competes against Rumpelstiltskin at Punch Out! You probably don't want to miss it.

Friday, April 18, 2008


I lit some candles
I cooked a lovely dinner
Would you stop screaming?

Tomorrow marks the ten-year anniversary of the wife and I going out on our first date. We met in college through mutual friends and, one April eve, decided to go to the local Chinese restaurant. Ten years later, we're still frequenting Chinese restaurants together. I don't aim to get overly-sentimental here, I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to the wife. It's been a darn good ten years. Here's to you, wife!

In other, less smile-inducing news, my computer is trying to make me crazy. I've discovered that certain songs from my music collection have gone missing. Assorted tracks from the Pixies' Doolittle album, a few Primus songs, and who knows what else! After a sampling of twenty albums, I found that almost half of them are missing songs. I'm not sure if there is a box marked "delete some of my music every so often" that I've accidentally left checked, but it's almost making me angry, in the futile way that one can get angry with an inanimate object.

Anywho, I find myself left with two options:
1 - I can go through, album by album, and put the missing songs back onto my computer. Once that's done, I can link my mp3 player up to my computer and put everything back on, risking the duplication of many, many tracks during the process; or,
2 - I can suck it up and deal with it, using my stubbornness to mask my laziness.

I wonder which option I'll choose...

I should be off. It's a Friday, which means that I must prepare for a few days of intense work and fun (by buying some cottage cheese). If you're looking for some laughter, the BNW's 50th anniversary show should do the trick. For you night-owls, Punch Out! returns tonight at 11 pm at the BNW. It's Adorable vs. Drum Machine. If you are unfamiliar with either group, then you should know this: both groups have the ability of making your sides explode from laughter. Wear your corsets!

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
5.2 earthquake rocks large area of Midwest
Residents across the Midwest were awakened Friday by a 5.2 magnitude earthquake that rattled skyscrapers in Chicago's Loop and homes in Cincinnati but appeared to cause no major injuries or damage.
Dozens of aftershocks followed, one with a magnitude of 4.5.
The quake just before 4:37 a.m. was centered six miles from West Salem, Ill., and 45 miles from Evansville, Ind. It was felt in such distant cities as Milwaukee, Des Moines, Iowa, and Atlanta, nearly 400 miles to the southeast.
Upon hearing the news, both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton used the opportunity to blame the other for the Midwest's shaky ground. President Bush upped the nation's threat level to red, saying that the terrorists might use the cracks opened by the earthquake to rise out of their underground caves and attack America. Members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints declared the tremor was God's punishment for the recent scorn aimed at their church. Meanwhile, gas companies immediately raised the price of a gallon of gas to $24.12, just to be safe.



Thursday, April 17, 2008


With the warm weather
I'll no longer be pants-less
I shall be shorts-less.

A thing to know:
I'm the type of guy that has a house phone in addition to a cellular phone. Why? DSL internet. Also, I can't give up the idea of a "land-line." It's the American way.
I'm also the type of guy that knows when the house phone rings, there's going to be a tele-marketer on the other end. Sometimes it's a robo-tele-marketer, but usually it's a human tele-marketer.
I'm also the type of guy that always answers the phone. If it's a person trying to sell me things, I'll usually shout "no thank you" and hang up. If it's a robot, I'll just hang up (although I'll come to rue my rudeness once the robot invasion takes place.)
I have, over the years, found that I will give the tele-marketer more time to pitch his or her opportunity if tele-marketer begins the call with any of the following lines:
- Konichiwa.
- Hold on to your belt, slim!
- This is Abe Lncoln.
- So many babies!
- I'm not a telemarketer.
- Free hugs!
If you're going into the field of tele-marketing because a) you need the money or b) you need a reason to hate life, feel free to use any of the above opening lines. You'll get at least one taker.

A thing to read:
I've noticed that most of my fellow Mpls. bloggers have moved on to other sites for their words. I'm going to spend the day looking at that option for my daily haikus and jokes (and the filler!) I think I can get a pretty good deal through Prodigy...
What are your thoughts on the exodus from MySpace, dear readers? Would you follow the move? Would you find your daily humor elsewhere? Tell me! I am interested!

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Oil hits record high as dollar tumbles to record low
Oil prices hit all-time highs above $115 a barrel Thursday with reports that oil and gasoline stocks in the United States were lower than expected and as the dollar hit record lows.
Concerns about sagging U.S. gasoline supplies ahead of the peak demand of the Northern Hemisphere summer also helped boost prices.
"The market has focused on the substantial draw in gasoline in the U.S. and also the large crude oil draw," said Victor Shum, an energy analyst with Purvin & Gertz in Singapore. "The report has provided a knee-jerk reaction for the market and has driven oil to a new high."
"If this continues," Shum said, "oil producing companies will stop listing the price per barrel in dollars and start listing it in babies. We'd better get procreating if we plan to drive to Boca Raton this August... Ladies?"