Friday, August 29, 2008

Distractionism!

A wave of maple,
An assault of buttermilk:
Pancake invasion!

We've made it to Friday. According to the fine doctors and mid-wives at the local hospital, this just might be the last child-free Friday of my life. I fear that I'm going to spend the rest of this day just trying to wrap my head around that.

What I need is a distraction. I'll be consumed by baby stuff soon enough - it doesn't need to start quite yet. Instead, let us look to the internets to find items of interest and intrigue...

- It's not often that one can get excited over a faucet. It's not as though we all look forward to cleaning dishes and/or our teeth. However, it is easy to get excited for a samurai sword, as we all look forward to slicing the limbs off our opponents. Fortunately, someone has realized that the samurai sword could help the faucet's poor reputation and has introduced the samurai sword faucet. Of course, if I ever installed this faucet, I'd have to figure out how to dye my water supply blood red...

- If there was room for a car seat in it, I'd certainly by this working model of Luke Skywalker's landspeeder. Sadly, no matter how cool it looks, I don't think the wife would take kindly to me strapping the kid to the hood.

- Speaking of babies, isn't it unfair that we have to cart them around from here to there without any sort of payment? Well, that parental slavery is coming to an end with the introduction of Dad's Cab, which is a toy taxi meter that rewards the driver by giving the passengers different chores in exchange for motoring them around. You can't spell "family" without "reciprocation."

Oh, crap. I went and babied this missive right up, didn't I? Well, I'd better stop before it gets any worse. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke. It's as un-baby as can be.
Stowaway Afghan spider kills family dog
The family of a British soldier serving in Afghanistan has been forced from their home after a poisonous spider hitched a ride back with him and apparently killed their pet dog.
Lorraine Griffiths told the East Anglian Daily Times that the spider appeared after her husband, Rodney, returned from a four-month tour of duty in Helmand province, the arid southern Afghan frontline in the fight against Taliban extremists.
She said their pet dog Cassie confronted the creature, which they identified on the Internet as a camel spider, but ran out whimpering when it hissed at her.
"It seems too much of a coincidence that she died at the same time that we saw the spider," she said.
The desert-dwelling camel spider, actually an insect rather than an arachnid, can run up to 25 kilometers (15 miles) an hour and reach 15 centimeters (6 inches) in length. Its bite is not deadly to humans but can kill small animals
Lorraine Griffiths and her three children, aged 18, 16, and 4, moved out of their house in Colchester, southeast England, and are refusing to return until the spider is apprehended, the UK Press Association reported.
The spider, nicknamed "Ospider bin Laden", is assumed to have taken up residence in deep recesses of the Griffiths' home. The US military has sent in several hundred troops to find and exterminate the bug and will continue to occupy the house for years on end to make sure no other camel spiders attempt an attack on the family.

Yay!

Bonus!

McCain picks Alaska gov as running mate.
John McCain tapped little-known Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate on Friday in a startling selection on the eve of the Republican National Convention.
While McCain's camp is saying that McCain picked Palin because they want to make a very strong bid for the women whom they see up for grabs, others are saying that McCain picked the female governor because he "just wants to drill the governor's 'wildlife reserves'."


Huzzah!


Monday? Tuesday?

Soon!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Olympiern!

The finest of sports
Brings out the finest of men
On the finest drugs.

I, like most of you, I imagine, am going through severe Olympics withdrawal. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, longing for some steeplechase or synchronized diving. I want to see a war-torn Bob Costas delivering his seventeenth straight hour of dealing with Bela Karolyi. I need just one more Saturday afternoon watching one person's dreams get crushed while another person's dreams come true. I think we all need that.

To make matters worse, I just found out that two Chinese boys had the luxury of driving radio-controlled cars to transport javelins, shot puts, and discuses (disci?) around the track and field stadium. Why NBC didn't devote an entire day to those two lucky kids is beyond me. Had I known that during the track and field events, these tiny vehicles were tearing it up on the grassy lawn in the middle of the stadium, I would have purchased a Tivo just to make sure I caught all of their cameos on national television. I've already mailed out my application to be an RC car driver for the 2012 Olympics in London. It's my Olympic dream.

Anywho, I should be off. I've got an appointment to get the Olympic rings tattooed onto my chest. I need to show London that I'm dedicated to my dream. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
'Misleading' U.K. iPhone Ad Pulled
The U.K.'s Advertising Standards Authority has banned an iPhone ad because the agency said the claim that the handset can access "all parts of the Internet" is misleading due to the lack of Flash and Java support.
The commercial in question shows a person using the touch screen to flick through various Web pages.
"You never know which part of the Internet you'll need," A voiceover in the ad said. "The 'do you need sun cream' part? The 'what's the quickest way to the airport' part? The 'what about an ocean view room' part? Or the 'can you really afford this' part? Which is why all the parts of the Internet are on the iPhone."
Two viewers complained that the ads were misleading because the handset does not have Flash or Java support, which are integral to popular sites like YouTube.
The banned ad has been replaced by another commercial featuring a person using the touch screen to flick through various adult Web pages.
"You know exactly which part of the Internet you'll need," A voiceover in the ad said. "The 'pictures of naked ladies' part. Which is why all that part of the Internet is on the iPhone. Screw Java support. We've got boobies."
Sales of the iPhone have since quadrupled since the new ad was released.


Huzzah!


Friday!


Psst! Tomorrow is jam-packed with activity that will leave me no time to blog. Apologies. I'll leave it up to you to read Google News and craft your own jokes.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Gruity!

My heart is racing,
My teeth aching from sweetness:
I bathe in candy.


Everyone has a favorite candy. It's a simple fact of life. In fact, some people have several favorite candies: a chocolate-based kind, a gummy kind, a hard kind, etc. For most of my life, I've always considered Good & Plenty to be my personal fave. I'd buy a pound of Good & Plenty from the local candy store and eat them whilst the other kids watched in disbelief. Something about the candy shell and the black licorice innards made sense to me and my tongue.

Of course, Good & Plenty had a sibling named Good & Fruity which replaced the black licorice innards with red licorice innards. That slight change made Good & Fruity the preferred Good & candy for the majority of the candy-eating populace. I enjoyed Good & Fruity, but not as much as the unique taste of the Good & Plenty.

Hershey's stopped making Good & Fruity in the mid-1990's. I didn't notice, as I spent the entirety of the 1990's shoving Good & Plenty into my mouth whenever my sweet-tooth called for it. However, that old maxim proved correct and, after a while, absence made my heart grow fonder. I wanted Good & Fruity. I missed Good & Fruity. I needed Good & Fruity. Sadly, I could not have Good & Fruity. It was little more than a faded memory, and faded memories are tough to eat.

Thus, when I saw a box of Good & Fruity sitting on the shelf in Target over the weekend, my eyes began to sparkle with delight. That faded memory was back, and this time, it brought hope.

I ripped into the box of flavored candy within moments of leaving the store. The well-known candy shell was there, but the red licorice that made Good & Fruity unique was gone. In its place was a core of sugary sugar. These were not Good & Fruity. These were mislabeled jelly beans. Worse than that: these were remembrances of childhood that had been taken out back, beaten to death, and replaced by impostor remembrances. Not that I'm bitter. I just wanted some red licorice in a hard candy shell. Is that too much to ask? If I wanted jelly beans, I would have gotten jelly beans. I wanted Good & Fruity. I did not get Good & Fruity. Instead, I got a mouth full of rage. That's not a happy treat.

What it all boils down to is this: if you have a box of Good & Fruity from 1992 or earlier sitting around, I'd be happy to take it off your hands.


Anywho, I should be off. That's enough candy-related ranting for today. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
A New Judge Joins ‘Idol’ Panel
“American Idol” is adding a fourth judge: Kara DioGuardi, a songwriter and producer. Ms. DioGuardi, 37, will join the current panelists — Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson — in the round that begins taping on Tuesday in New York and will be broadcast on Fox beginning in January. The addition of Ms. DioGuardi is part of an effort to revitalize the six-year-old show, whose ratings have been slipping slightly, especially among younger demographics.
“We are turning the heat up on ‘Idol’ this year,” the show’s creator and executive producer, Simon Fuller, said in a statement. "Simon is the mean one. Paula is the nice one. Randy is the supportive one. Kara will be the slutty one that sleeps with the contestants. We at 'American Idol' recognize that talent alone usually doesn't make you famous. It takes more than ability to make it in this business. It takes sex appeal. This season of the show will prove that, and Kara will be just the girl to fill that hole. I mean that both literally and figuratively."

Huzzah!


Tomorrow!


Psst! According to Wikipedia:
The pink Good & Plenty candies are colored with a red dye called K-Carmine that is produced from the bodies of the female Cochineal beetle. (Citation needed.)

Delicious!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Fartherhood!

As the sun rises
The bus speeds down city streets
Racing from our dreams.

Goodness gracious, I'm a sleepy me! This morning started off with a 5:30 alarm and a little bit of Bussy Monday at 6 am. The morning's obligation? To entertain an auditorium full of junior high and high school teachers with improvisational antics. The end result? Success. However, this morning's activities have left me with the same sort of exhaustion that I imagine marathon runners feel. No. It's probably even worse than marathon exhaustion. Probably.

Anywho, I'm going to make today's entry short and sweet, as my brain is threatening to cease all functions unless I get to a couch post haste. Thusly, let's get to it.

The wife and I are nine days away from the suggested date of babydom. That fact hit us yesterday (when we were ten days away) pretty hard. We only need fingers to count the rest of the days. Our gallons of milk will expire after the baby is born. I might not wash these jeans until after I've held the kid in my arms. Crazy.

Sorry.

Cah-ra-zee!!!1!

That's more appropriate.

Those that haven't gone through the pregnancy process (or haven't read extensively about it) have mentioned repeatedly that the kid is just a heartbeat away: one moment I'll be performing in a show or writing a blog, and the next moment, I'll be on the way to the hospital, telling the wife to take deep breaths and just hold on until we get there. The funny thing is that, while Hollywood has done a good job of promoting that as the normal birth process, labor actually takes much longer than fifteen minutes. Odds are that we won't be in the middle of a supermarket when her water breaks, and it's even less likely that the baby will force her way out before we can leave the frozen foods aisle. Chances are that the wife will begin to feel small contractions that slowly get more powerful. Then, some seven or eight hours later, we'll start thinking about going to the hospital. Once there, a lot of work has to be done before the room is filled with the sounds of Bozic 2.0. That's quite the opposite of the "instant daddy" image that many people have. Sure, sometimes labor is fast and furious, but that's a vary rare occasion.
Just to be certain, however, the wife and I won't be setting foot in a supermarket for the next couple of weeks. Why tempt fate, right?

I should be off. My body is slowly shutting down. Hopefully I won't wake up with my offspring staring at me in the face, asking "where were you?" with her little baby eyes. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Iraq's al-Maliki demands 'specific deadline' for all US troops to leave
Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said Monday no security agreement with the United States could be reached unless it included a "specific deadline" for the withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq.
Last week, U.S. and Iraqi officials said the two sides had agreed tentatively to a schedule which included a broad pullout of combat forces by the end of 2011 with a residual U.S. force remaining behind to continue training and advising the Iraqi security forces.
But al-Maliki's remarks Monday suggested that the Iraqi government is still not satisfied with that arrangement. An aide to the prime minister said Monday that Iraq remained adamant that the last American soldier must leave Iraq by the end of 2011 — regardless of conditions at the time.
Al-Maliki claims that the demand to have American forces sat a pull-out deadline are based on his desires for Iraq's full sovereignty, although the White House claims that Iraq recently got its hands on a bottle of whiskey and is just waiting for the withdrawal to throw a house-party.
"We've seen the IM's that Iraq has sent to Kid and Play," said White House spokesman Tony Fratto. "We're onto you, Iraq. We'll be watching you."


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Attentionated!

In dusk's golden hue
We all become kings and queens
In backyard kingdoms.


Oh my goodness! It's a Friday! A weekend of excitement and adventure waits for us to step away from these computers and come along for the ride. Where will the weekend take us? If you're lucky, it'll take you to the BNW for the election show and After Party. If you're unlucky, it'll take you to Death Race, which is sadly and unexpectedly getting panned by the critics. That's a real shame.
Anywho, this weekend's not going to show up quite yet, so let's read a blog!

This morning was spent in front of a photo camera getting snap shots and video shots taken for this whole After Party business. Some of those photos just might end up on the After Party's facebook page. If you're on facebook, you should check it out. Become a fan. Post a comment. You know: prove how hip you are via the interface of a social-networking website. Why not?

This afternoon? Why, this afternoon will probably be spent trying not to purchase a chococlock. What's a chococlock? Why, it's a clock that delivers a piece of chocolate at noon and midnight. I can't believe that I've lasted this long without one. However, I know that if a chococlock ends up in my house, there will be an all-out fist fight every 11:59 between me and the wife.
Perhaps I'll instead get myself a WiiFit balance board and rig it up to walk around the world with Google's Maps's Street's View. That seems like a decent way to spend an afternoon.
Heck, that would actually be a great way to burn off the calories from the chococlock...
Let's be honest: all of my free time this weekend is going to be spent playing the Star Wars: The Force Unleashed demo on my XBox. Sure, it's only ten minutes long and I've already played it seven times in a row. It's Star Wars, and it's not terrible. That's all I need.

Anywho, I should be off. Those stormtroopers aren't going to to get picked up and thrown across the room on their own. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
FDA: Agents can seize penis rings at borders
Penis enlargers and constricting rings to maintain erections can be seized at U.S. borders, U.S. regulators said Thursday, citing inadequate safety labels.
The devices have inadequate directions for use and can have harmful effects.
“Basically, the labeling of these devices falsely states or implies they will treat impotence, prolong erection, and increase the dimensions of the penis,” the FDA said in the new notice.
The FDA expects that nobody ever will even think about complaining about this new regulation.


Hey-oh!


Monday!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Jokular!

Where have my sticks gone?
They were stolen late last night
And shoved into foods.


First off: Yes. I saw this. You should know by now that my fingers have the ability to just start hitting keys on my computer keyboard until I land on items such as this. I don't need any sort of advanced warning - my fingers just know what to type. Now I need to buy some yarn and find someone to make this for me.

All right. With that out of the way, it's time for more important matters: the MN state fair begins today. For the next twelve days, thousands of Minnesotans will crowd into a small area in oppressive heat, eat a number of fried foods, and listen to free concerts from Gypsy Mania. I, for one, cannot wait to attend the fair. It always leads to a day of remarkable sights. Also: apples. Apple cider. Apple crisps. Apple sundaes. Caramel apples. Apple tarts. Apple sauce. Damn. I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.

Anywho, I need to get off to the store to buy my black socks, sandals, and REO Speedwagon t-shirt for this year's fair-going experience. I'm not sure when I'm going to get there, but it will happen. It's destiny. Before I depart, three things:
1) McCain not sure how many houses he owns
Please note: this is not a Today's Joke. I'm not even certain if this is funny or not. I just thought it should be posted to remind you how much McCain is just like you and me, for a number of reasons.
2) Today's Joke!
FDA allows food producers to zap spinach, lettuce with radiation to kill food-poisoning germs
The government will allow food producers to start zapping fresh spinach and iceberg lettuce with just enough radiation to kill E. coli and other dangerous germs, a key safety move amid increasing outbreaks from raw produce.
The Food and Drug Administration has determined that modern irradiation techniques kill food-poisoning germs without compromising the safety or nutrient value of raw spinach and lettuce.
The FDA does warn, however, that a diet overabundandt in irradiated greens may lead to swollen biceps, loss of use in the right eye, various speech impediments and rashes on the lower arms that take the shape of anchors.
3) Yesterday's Joke!
Afghanistan's first Olympic medalist wins cheers from Afghans, a house from the president
Rohullah Nikpai defeated world champion Juan Antonio Ramos of Spain on Wednesday to earn the bronze medal in the men's under 58-kilogram taekwondo competition, sparking applause, wide smiles and laughter in homes, restaurants and ice cream parlors around the country.
"When I saw that he won, I jumped up and hugged and kissed my son," Gayezabi said. "I was crying."
President Hamid Karzai immediately called to congratulate Nikpai. He also awarded him a house at the government's expense, said Humayun Hamidzada, the president's spokesman.
To make it feel even more like home, the US Army has agreed to shell it with mortar rounds for a week straight.


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Beggered!

We'll be best of friends
If you follow this one rule:
Give me some money.


Well, MPR has finally done it: they've crossed the line of ridiculousness. I was doing my part to help the American economy yesterday by driving around the town in my car with no particular destination. A man's voice came over the MPR airwaves and spoke to me. He said that I enjoyed MPR (insomuch as I was listening to it at that moment.) He said that past generations have enjoyed MPR (which explains why it's still on the air.) Then, using the power of induction, the man predicted that future generations will enjoy MPR.
That's where his tone changed.
The man then stated his worry about MPR not being around for the enjoyment of future generations. It costs a lot of money to make radio, and the only source of income (sorta) for MPR lies in the pocketbooks of the listeners. The man knew that MPR's listeners look forward to the donor drives and the chance to write checks to the station once every season. But what happens when we die?
The man had an suggestion for that: include MPR in your will.

Is it not enough, man on the radio, that MPR bugs its listeners for money in life? Do you really need to go after those that have passed away? Is there MPR in the afterlife? I'm sorry, man from MPR, but I can't take you seriously if you're asking for money from the recently deceased. I've been there before. There's nothing but shame there. Nothing but shame.

Anywho, in other news, I took in Tropic Thunder yesterday. It's a funny little satire about Hollywood. It gets a bit clunky at times, but it's not without a good number of chuckles and laughs. And yes, Robert Downey Jr. is fantastic throughout. FOTi.

I should be off. Today's a busy one. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Rolling tub on Nicollet Mall being used to draw attention to brain injuries
Folks at Hennepin County Medical Center are taking a most unusual approach to raise awareness about the prevention, recognition and treatment of traumatic brain injuries: They are rolling a bathtub replete with a shower stream down Nicollet Mall.
Actors clad in robes and slippers will accompany the tub as it travels between Peavey Plaza at 11th Street and 5th Street until 2 p.m. today. The purpose is to call attention to the leading cause of traumatic brain injuries: falls, said HCMC Spokeswoman Christine Hill.
The promotion is a preview to Thursday's Brain Bar, an interactive kiosk which will be set up from 11 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. in Peavey Plaza in downtown Minneapolis. There, experts from HCMC's Traumatic Brain Injury Center will talk about how the brain works and answer questions about brain injuries.
The event is expected to be almost as popular as the STD-awareness campaign from the early 1990's, in which people had unprotected sex in the bus lanes of Nicollet Mall to remind people of the dangers of having unprotected sex.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!


Psst! Just so you know, tomorrow's missive might be absent. A corporate show is taking up a good chunk of my day. Preemptive apologies!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Frownulate!

Those silver linings
That we all look forward to
Still come with storm clouds.


There are a lot of really great things happening these days. It's a lovely summer, the Olympics are on, I've got a baby on the way, the BNW podcasts are back (after a short hiatus), and the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus (in 3-D!) DVD comes out tomorrow. These are all great reasons to have a smile plastered on your face.
However, as the classic theme song reminds us, you take the good and you take the bad. There are a few items of note that will test even the most optimistic of folks. I hate to do this, but I feel that you should be aware of these things.
1) Pandora might be closing up shop. If you're not familiar with Pandora, it's a lovely free(!) website that expands your musical tastes based on artists and songs that you like. Sadly, the record industry wants money for the songs that Pandora plays. Being a free website, you can imagine that this business plan won't hold water. It hasn't happened yet, but it sounds like Pandora will soon be on its to the far recesses of our memories. Get over there and spend some time with it while you still can.
2) If you're anything like me, you spent some of your childhood at slumber parties with your friends, eating pizza, watching scary movies, and staying up until after 10:30 at night. If you're parents were anything like my parents, the pizza you ate was from Little Caesars because it was cheap. Well, Little Caesars is back, with several locales throughout the south-metro area, and their pizza is still as cheap as can be. Sadly, there's a reason the pizza is so cheap: it's the worst thing I've eaten since... well, probably since the last time I had Little Caesars. What makes matters worse is that when I bit into my first slice, I remembered that I never looked forward to slumber party pizzas. Then I remembered that I never really liked the scary movies that we watched at those slumber parties, and that staying up until after 10:30 always resulted in a crabby me the following day.
With one simple bite of pizza, my fond recollections of my childhood were shat upon.
The moral? Don't get Little Caesars.
3) The Death Star is invading San Fransisco. That's a real bummer. San Fran is a nice place. It'll be tough to see it evaporated.

There you go. These happy times certainly have their dark side. I hope that I didn't sour your Monday beyond repair.
I should be off. I need to change clothes, as my shirt is drenched in tears. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Georgians wait for Russians troops to pull out
Hungry and uncertain, beleaguered residents in Gori and other occupied Georgian cities waited anxiously Monday for Russian forces to begin their promised pullout from Georgia after a short but intense war that shocked the West.
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has promised the withdrawal under terms of an EU-backed cease-fire agreement, but how quickly the troops will leave is unclear, as is exactly where they will redeploy. The agreement calls for troops to withdraw to positions they held before fighting broke out Aug. 7, but the troops haven't made any movement to signal their departure. According to one Russian soldier, their reluctance to leave is due to the attractive women of Georgia. "Those Moscow girls make me sing and shout," the soldier explained, "but Georgia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind."


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Bitear!

This dog-eat-dog world
Has become too literal.
My pants are bloody.


Sorry for the lack of missive yesterday. The morning was spent in a workshop at the BNW. The afternoon was spent caring for a dog that, the night before, lost part of his ear to another dog. Don't worry: all is fine with the pup. He's all sutured up and his head is covered in bandages, making him look quite like an elderly Eastern European woman. I keep expecting him to put a curse on me. You know, some sort of curse that causes me to talk him for walks all the time. Scary.
Anywho, he should be as good as new in the next week or two, albeit with a forked right ear. He's going to look so goth...

The funny thing about missing a blog post these days is that people immediately blame the forth-coming baby. "Are you a dad? Is that why you haven't blogged?" Needless to say that has happened quite yet. The kid is still safely tucked inside, punching and kicking as though she's in training for the UFC. When the big day comes, I'll let you know. I'm not sure how, but I am sure it will happen.

Anywho, I should be off. This Friday is just going to pass me by if I don't pay attention to it.
If you're looking for some good times this weekend, I heartily recommend the BNW's election show. While you're there, you might as well check out the After Party tonight at 10 as well. This week's show looks to be pretty delightful.
Also, if you like the After Party, you might also like the After Party's Facebook page. Check out the pics. They're rad!
Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Georgia signs Russia ceasefire, Bush blasts 'bullying'
Georgia on Friday signed a ceasefire agreement seeking to end its conflict with Russia, as US President George W. Bush accused Moscow of using "bullying" tactics in the standoff.
"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century," Bush said, adding that Russia had damaged its credibility with the West by its offensive against Georgia.
"If you have a problem with America's stance on this issue, Mr. Medvedev, then bring it on." Bush warned.
Bush then had to be quickly removed from the room he was in as it began to collapse from the weight off all that irony.


Yay!


Monday!


Psst! Need to waste the weekend? Check out this fun game. It's fun.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Threet!

Trickle turns to stream,
Stream turns to gushing river.
Now I have to pee.


Well, for those keeping track, there are exactly three weeks left to the due date of Bozic 2.0. Of course, at this point in time, "three weeks" doesn't really mean anything. The kid could come tomorrow, or wait until mid-September (at which point she would encroach on "ramp-up to Joe's birthday" time). The "three weeks" is really just a suggestion of arrival. As it turns out, babies run on schedules similar to those of major airlines: estimated arrivals are really just estimates indeed.
We're just keeping our fingers crossed that the kid waits until after the Olympics. Without Tivo, we're at the network's beck and call for watching events. It'd be terrible to miss the handball finals just because of some silly labor.

Sorry. That was "Olympics fever" talking. I haven't eaten anything in five days to try and starve the fever, but that has just given me more time to watch the Olympics, which is making matters worse.

In other news... Wait. There is no other news. Besides the baby and the Olympics, there is nothing more. At least not for today's missive. I should get out and expand my horizons this afternoon. Yes! That's what I should do! Perhaps a walk through the sculpture garden. Or maybe an hour spent flying a kite with orphans. Those both seem like grand, blog-worthy experiences!

Sadly, we all know that I'm going to spend my free time going to Babies R Us and then watching the finest athletes in the world compete in table tennis. Oh well.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Bush expresses concern that Russia may be violating the cease-fire in Georgia
President Bush said Wednesday he is skeptical that Moscow is honoring a cease-fire in Georgia, demanding that Russia end all military activities and withdraw all its forces.
"The United States stands with Georgia and insists that the sovereignty and territorial integrity of Georgia be respected," Bush said sternly during brief remarks in the White House Rose Garden.
Bush then warned the American people to take Russia's invasion of Georgia very seriously. "It starts with Georgia," Bush said, "and before you know it, we've lost Alabama, South Carolina and most of Florida. I've seen Red Dawn. I know what's at stake here."
Bush then asked for a rag-tag bunch of teenagers to assemble and "get those Ruskies out of here."


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Oh crap!

Youthang!

The summer rain falls
And we dream about the fun
A sunny days brings.


It's a gray day out there, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Life needs its rainy days, as does my lawn. Egads, that grass is brown. I feel bad for letting so many blades wither and die, but what choice did I have? Did the grass expect me to water it? I'm no god. I shouldn't get myself mixed in with the powers of life and death. That's a matter for video games...

Anywho, my raised spirits might also have something to do with the fact that the wife and I paid a visit to the Science Museum last night and took in the Star Wars exhibit. The evening was filled with models of star destroyers, fancy space-type costumes, a short discussion with C-3PO, an attempt to build a virtual spaceport, and a moment of intense staring at the interrogation droid from episode IV. Spooky! As is the case with most boys that grew up in the late 70's and early 80's, I was certain that by the time the 2000's hit, the dreams of personal spaceships, laser swords and blasters, and helpful, British-accented robots would be realities. That didn't quite happen, but the original Star Wars movies always remind me of that innocent hopefulness, which probably explains why I've seen those three movies upwards of a hundred-kazillion times each, give or take a kazillion.
Thus, actually seeing the model rebel blockade runner that first appears in the first scene of A New Hope was quite exhilarating. I recommend checking the exhibit out.
If you're not a fan of the Star Wars, you'll still find some neat stuff, but you'll be pushed out of the way by people like me. Just giving you fair warning.

Although we don't have the cool toys featured in Star Wars, scientists are getting closer to the future. An article on CNN.com yesterday talked about researchers finally demonstrating an invisibility cloak. I think we're all in agreement about how awesome this is, especially for the junior high school boys of the world.

Anywho, I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
EU welcomes Medvedev order to halt war
The European Union welcomed Russian President Dmitry Medvedev's order on Tuesday to end fighting in Georgia and offered to help solve the crisis over the breakaway Georgian region of South Ossetia.
Medvedev confirmed in a telephone conversation with EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana that he had given the order to stop military operations, Solana's spokeswoman, Cristina Gallach, told Reuters.
This crisis is the first conflict between the two nations since 1989, when Red Army soldiers massacred Georgian protesters. Given the similarities between 1989 and 2008 increasing - Russian/Georgian conflicts, Batman and Indiana Jones movies in the theaters, masses of people gathering in Tianamen Square - I can be certain that I will be depantsed on the first day of the school year.


Hooray!


Tomorrow!


Psst! If you're looking to get your Olympics fix but don't have cable or a television, check out NBC's on-line streaming video. I'll be spending this afternoon watching handball, thank you very much.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Touchtacular!

When the world's a stage
It offers us all the chance
To practice accents.


It's a fact: I cannot get enough of the Olympics. All the free time that I had this weekend was spent flipping between the different NBC-related stations to watch swimming, fencing, synchronized(!) diving, rowing, bike racing, gerunding, volleyball, beach volleyball, badminton, and gymnastics. Every twenty minutes, the hopes and dreams of nations are put to the test. How can you not become addicted to that? There are thirteen more days of Olympics left. I imagine that by the end of those thirteen days, I'll have a floor-length beard, pale skin, and an almost murderous sense of patriotism. I can't wait!

In other news, an iPod touch made its way into the green room of the BNW over the weekend. I've been trying to not get caught up in the hype and the magic of the iPhone and other assorted Apple products as a) I don't need any of their items (sure, I want them, but that's different), and b) I already have an MP3 player, a cell phone, a laptop computer, a camera, a Nintendo DS, and a PDA (that has been very busy making sure my desk doesn't lift up into space). I don't need any more products.
At least, that's what I thought.
After messing around with the iPod touch's Google Maps program, the internet, and the various other functions (aside from the obvious "playing music" function), I found myself deep within the throes of envy. After a trip to Best Buy, I realized that dropping $400 on a shiny new toy probably wasn't going to happen. Instead, I'm going to check out those websites that offer "free ipods for free." That should work out perfectly.

I should be off. I'm missing so many Olympics right now. Before I depart, two items:
1) It turns out that I'm not the ony one blogging on the internet. George Orwell is posting missives from 70 years ago. Spooky!
2) Today's Joke:
Obama Plans Novel VP Announcement TXT
In the latest sign of how technology -- the Internet in particular -- is transforming politics, Barack Obama plans to announce his running mate via email and text message.
"Barack Obama is about to make one of the most important decisions of this campaign — choosing a running mate," Obama campaign manager David Plouffe wrote Sunday night to backers in, what else, an e-mail. "You have helped build this movement from the bottom up, and Barack wants you to be the first to know his choice
Obama has a new webpage where supporters can sign up to receive email updates. "You can also text VP to 62262 to receive a text message on your mobile phone," it says.
The webpage also allows supporters to text NOSHIRT to receive a number of photos of a shirtless Barack. Texting LOLMCCAIN will result in a downloadable picture of a sleepy John McCain saying "I can has nap?"
Not to be outdone, John McCain has sent out an army of Pony Express riders to deliver handbills to all of his supporters, asking them to crank up their rotary phones and dial Klondike 5 for a special message from the Republican.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Holympics!

With a graceful twist
And a hop into the air
We all win world peace.


It's 08-08-08! Today is a day filled with luck and athleticism, as the Olympics have officially kicked off on the other side of the world. I'm a fan of the Olympics for two reasons:
1) The Olympics offer my a chance to watch sporting events that don't usually enter the U.S. television airwaves. The pentathlon, Judo, fencing, table tennis and trampoline are all events that I'm going to watch just because I can. They're there. Isn't that enough of a reason to get excited?
2) People tend to give the Olympics weird super powers. The Olympics can turn average amateur athletes into heroes. It can bring peace to warring nations. It can remind us that Communists and Capitalists can coexist (although neither party is going to get much sleep for these next two weeks.) Sure, this is a time for watching the best of the best compete against each other in a number of different events. But it's also a time for hyperbole. That's the true draw of these games. If I'm wrong, then I will steal the gold medal from the men's Taekwondo winner and eat it.
Anywho, the opening ceremony has taken place, and now we must all strap ourselves in for sixteen days of unbridled excitement. As the kids say, "Huzzah!"

In other news, the BNW's After Party returns tonight (Friday!) at 10 pm. It'll feature some new videos, some sketches, a new song and some improvisation. Shazow! You should be there!

I should be off. My USA headband needs a little more puffy paint before I settle in for my Olympic-watching. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
China opens Olympics with pageantry, pyrotechnics
Once-reclusive China commandeered the world stage Friday, celebrating its first-time role as Olympic host with a stunning display of pageantry and pyrotechnics to open a Summer Games unrivaled for its mix of problems and promise.
Now ascendant as a global power, China welcomed scores of world leaders to an opening ceremony watched by 91,000 people at the eye-catching National Stadium and a potential audience of 4 billion worldwide. It was depicted as the largest, costliest extravaganza in Olympic history, bookended by barrages of some 30,000 fireworks.
To the beat of sparkling explosions, the crowd counted down the final seconds before the show began. A sea of drummers — 2,008 in all — pounded out rhythms with their hands, then acrobats on wires drifted down into the stadium as rockets shot up into the night sky from its rim.
Three hours later, the parade of athletes concluded with the entry of the 639-strong Chinese team, led by flag-bearer and basketball idol Yao Ming alongside a 9-year-old schoolboy who survived May's devastating earthquake in Sichuan province. The welcome — by a frenzied, chanting, flag-waving crowd that sought to cool itself with paper fans in the stifling heat — was thunderous. And moments later, the crowd erupted again when President Hu Jintao declared the games formally open.
Any people in the audience that were not cheering and applauding for the spectacle were executed immediately.


Yay!


Monday!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Teoth!

If every morning
Began with dentist visits,
We'd all kill ourselves.


Apologies for the post-morning missive. Today's normal blog time was interrupted by a trip to my dentist's office. I, like everyone else that has teeth, do not enjoy the dentist. Besides the invasive fingers and sharp instruments jammed in my mouth, dentists (and their assistants) have a natural tendency to make me feel bad about enjoying normal, everyday things like soda pop, Milk Duds, and not flossing. Hey, I'm only human! However, since the visit only happens once every six months, so I can't really complain that much, can I?
Anywho, after the initial investigation, the dental assistant said that everything looked great. At that point, my normal worries about the regular visit subsided. Perhaps this would be the visit in which they would just do a visual scan of my chompers and let me on my merry way without all of that scraping and spitting. But, while I was fantasizing about not being in the dentist's office, I must have missed the assistant say that she was going to make me bleed, because that's exactly what she proceeded to do for the following thirty minutes. I counted some twelve different "tools" utilized in the process of making every part of my mouth bleed. Egads. I think I'll still be having nightmares about that come next February...


Sadly, I should be off. Having lost a morning to the dentist, I have a lot of things to do before the sun sets itself. And before I pass out from loss of mouth-blood. Before I depart here's Today's Joke:
Packers address trade; Favre set to join Jets
Wrapping up the end of the Brett Favre era in Green Bay, the Packers held a press conference on Thursday to discuss their trade of Favre to the New York Jets.
"This is really a bittersweet time for the organization," Packers president Mark Murphy said at the news conference. "I think we're all sad to see Brett Favre's career as a Packer end."
Favre was scheduled for a tour of the Jets' new training facility in Florham Park, N.Y., on Thursday afternoon.
"I am looking forward to seeing Brett Favre in a New York Jets uniform," said Jets chairman and CEO Woody Johnson in a statement issued early Thursday. "He represents a significant addition to this franchise, and reflects our commitment to putting the best possible team on the field."
"Brett's decision to join the Jets brings our plans for assembling the best team possible closer to fruition," Johnson continued. He then revealed plans, dubbed "Operation: Golden Oldies," to bring Warren Sapp, Michael Strahan, Tiki Barber, Jerome Bettis, Jerry Rice, John Madden, Dick Butkus, and Jerry Azumah out of retirement.

Yay!


Tomorrow!


Psst! The Four Humors fellas have a lovely interview in The Rake. Good work, gents!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Infantastic!

I opened the door
And I stepped into the light
And I turned to dust.


Apologies for the lack of blog yesterday. I would like to admit that I spent all of Tuesday on an alcohol-fueled bender that took me from Rochester Minn. to Rochester N.Y. and back again, but that's not the case. My microwave would like me to admit that I spent all of Tuesday in the emergency room after crushing my chest with convenience. That would also be false. The truth is that I spent all of yesterday at the BNW. I helped in a workshop, I coached a little Six Ring, and I watched life pass by. Sure, I could have blogged somewhere in there, but I didn't. It's a regret that I'll have to live with for a long, long time.

Or until I forget about it.

Anywho, today marks four weeks left until the baby arrives. Now that the house is just about ready for a tiny little person to inhabit it, I can move on to the more pressing matters, such as: what songs should go on the baby's first mix CD? I think Modest Mouse is probably a little too dark, and the Queers might be a tad too harsh. I know I have a few track ideas laying around somewhere, but it's nowhere near a complete CD worth of music. When it comes to music that is enjoyable for both infants and non-infants alike, what comes to mind? I know They Might Be Giants are probably at the top of that list, so you don't have to worry about mentioning that. Also, I'm positive that the Star-Spangled Banner will be on the CD (first track, naturally!) so you don't need to recommend that either.
Leave any musical advice in the comments below!

Well, I should be off. With the microwave installed, I have a freezer filled with pot pies that need to be cooked. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
McCain slams Obama as "celebrity" again in new ad
Republican presidential candidate John McCain isn't letting Paris Hilton distract him from his new line of attack -- that Barack Obama is more of a celebrity than a leader.
McCain on Wednesday released a second television ad that paints Obama as a celebrity, following an earlier ad that linked his Democratic rival in the November election to tabloid staples like Hilton and Britney Spears.
"Is the biggest celebrity in the world ready to help your family?" the ad asks, over ominous music and slow motion images of Obama appearing before an ecstatic crowd.
"Are you sure you want a president that people actually like?" The ad continues. "Shouldn't the White House be reserved for the socially-awkward folks that are hard to look at or listen to? Vote John McCain and he'll keep the Oval Office out of the public eye."
Obama was too busy speaking to hordes of supporters to respond to the new ad.


Huzzah!


Tomorrow!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Audontion!

The stairway to fame
Is covered with the marbles
Of complete failure.

This morning started with a trip downtown to do a little commercial audition. Every once in a while, I get the call to make the trip into the heart of the city and try my hand at commercial acting. And every once in a while, I remember that being a good commercial actor and being a good sketch comedy actor are not one in the same. In fact, they are quite the opposite. In sketch comedy, everything is big and one must play for the old, hard-of-hearing, partially blind lady in the back row. For commercials, you communicate your emotions, your life story, your everything with just your eyes. What does that mean? I have no idea. And that's why I am never successful at commercial auditions.
Sure, I could take a class to learn how to tell the camera how excited I am for this new type of butter with nothing but my peepers, but that seems like a lot of work. I'm not really into that.
If the commercial world isn't ready for my flailing arms and arched eyebrows, then I'll just wait until the commercial world changes its mind.

Speaking of failures, today is the last day in the war of Joe vs. the microwave. The weekend was battle-free as the unit just taunted me from its resting place on the dining room floor. Today, however, is different. Today is a day of action. Today is a day of victory. Whether that victory belongs to me or the microwave, we shall soon see. But after today, the war will end.

Anywho, I should be off. I need to put my headband on. Before I depart, two items:
- Go see Mike's fringe show. It's OK.
- Today's Joke!
Study says restaurant kids' meals loaded with fat, salt and calories
Parents looking for healthy meal choices for their children are likely to find slim pickings on the menus of the nation's top restaurant chains, according to a report released Monday by a nonprofit public health group.
Nearly every possible combination of the children's meals at Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Sonic, Jack in the Box, and Chick-fil-A are too high in calories, the report by the Center for Science in the Public Interest said.
However, parents can look to the kid's value meal names for guidance in choosing the healthiest meal for their children. Subway's "Fresh Fit for Kids" meals were rated the best, with the lowest calorie count. Burger King's "Big Kids" meal was in the middle of the pack with just over 900 calories. The meals with the highest calorie counts were Chili's "Kid-splosion" meals, Taco Bell's "El Gordo Nino," and KFC's "Lard Bucket" meals.


Yay!


Tomorrow!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Fartair!

Middle-aged women
Sweating on wrought-iron birds:
It's art fair time!


What a weekend this appears to be! The BNW's election show continues into its second week, The After Party kicks off tonight at 10 pm (only $10!), and Fringe continues its assault on the city. On top of that, there are some fourteen hundred art fairs in and around the cities, including in the heart of Uptown. The streets will be thick with suburban families trying to find that perfect collage of bird feathers and trash to hang on their wall. Getting from here to there is going to be mighty difficult. I think it's time to break out the motorized roller skates.

Speaking of middle-aged women, I logged into my MySpace account only to find the following message waiting for me in my inbox:
Hello there cutie! ^_^ I gotta be straight up and let you know: My mom was using my account to check out the site and she was really interested in your profile. She's a beautiful woman: she doesn't just sit around, she keeps herself active and healthy. Independent, intelligent, great sense of humor - she's the perfect modern woman You couldn't ask for someone better! Just don..t reply to this - you can reach her directly at ********** at yahoo. Thanks for reading!
Somehow I've crossed the barrier from getting porn spam to getting child of porn spam. I'm not sure how I feel about that, although it's certainly not a good feeling.

Anywho, I should be off. The battle with the microwave continues on. By the weekend's end, one of us will have won. My money's on the microwave.

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama Strategist: McCain Camp Manufactured Race Debate
Barack Obama’s top strategist said Friday that John McCain’s campaign manufactured a racial debate when it accused Obama of “playing the race card” the day before.
Strategist David Axelrod defended the Illinois senator, saying he was just being “self-mocking” when he told a Missouri crowd that Republicans would try to scare voters by saying he doesn’t look like “all those other presidents on the dollar bills.”
“Nobody reported it as a racial comment. The only time this became an issue was when (McCain campaign manager) Rick Davis and their campaign decided to kick it up and make it a racial issue,” Axelrod said on NBC’s “Today.”
The McCain camp immediately denied those claims, stating, "“race will not have any role in the campaign, nor is there any place for it.”
The major news media outlets are preparing for a long week ahead, as each campaign accusses the other of playing the "playing the race card" card. Meanwhile, average Americans will spend the coming week trying to escape news of the political world with coverage of the coming Olympics.


Huzzah?


Monday!