Thursday, July 3, 2008

Crirefacks!

At the sky's apex
A brilliant flash of colors:
Freedom's orgasm.

Tomorrow, America will explode in a celebration of America. It's a yearly occurrence and, frankly, one of the finest skills America has: celebrating itself to almost dangerous levels. As per the tradition, I shall be bar-be-quing, watching fireworks, and most likely lighting a few bottle rockets of my own off. It's as American as wrapping yourself in a flag and playing baseball with an apple pie and a pipe made of US steel.

I, for one, couldn't be happier about the holiday weekend. The weather forecast looks great, I've got a package of turkey hot dogs just waiting to be grilled, and I should be able to spend the next three days away from the old computer. This last item is the most essential, as the old computer has been nothing but a source of anxiety this week. You see, there's a little electronic gaming expo coming in a couple of weeks. At this expo, video game companies will release information about things that I like: video games. The next iteration of Rock Band, the return of Tecmo Bowl and some "major announcements" from Nintendo have all been rumored to be at E3. Therein lies the issue: these weeks leading up to the expo are laden with rumors, and there's nothing worse than a video game rumor. As soon as the rumor is posted, hearts begin racing, forums fill with wild speculation and dreams are born only to be shattered at a later date. It's a lot like pundit-filled political news shows, except geekier.
Sure, in these weeks before E3 I could just not visit the web sites that post these rumors. However, my computer is programmed to go directly to these sites as soon as I leave it idle for more than twenty seconds. These rumors are inescapable as long as I sit in front of the monitor. That's why this weekend holds so much promise - I might be able to tear myself away from the computer and see this world with rumor-free eyes.
Maybe.

Anywho, that doesn't start until tomorrow. Today shall be filled with unsubstantiated posts on various message boards about how Bubble Bobble's Bob and Bub are going to make a return this fall in an action-packed, blood-filled first-person shooter/puzzle game.

I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
U.S. Economy: Employers Cut Payrolls for Sixth Straight Month
U.S. employers cut jobs for a sixth straight month and service industries shrank in June, signaling that the economic slowdown may deepen as the impact of federal tax rebates fades.
Payrolls fell by 62,000 after a 62,000 drop in May that was greater than first reported, the Labor Department said today in Washington. The unemployment rate held at 5.5 percent after soaring the most in two decades in May. The Institute for Supply Management's non-manufacturing index sank to a five-month low.
Falling employment and record gasoline prices have lead experts to start looking at new ways to solve the nation's economic crisis. Some scientists at Ford have designed a new automobile engine that runs on the liquefied remains of the unemployed. The small town Randolph, Vermont, has instituted a complete ban on cars, requiring those on unemployment to earn their keep by giving productive members of the city piggy-back rides to and from their work.
"It's a time for innovation," said one Randolph resident from atop a forty-seven year-old unemployed man. "You've got to ride or be ridden. Tonight, I ride!"


Huzzah!


Happy birthday, America.


Monday!

1 comment:

tomlommel said...

Bubble Bobble is, without question, the GREATEST VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME.

I, sir, can only hope the words dripping from your computer were unsullied by your trademark sarcasm.

Lest you feel the wrath of my extreme dissatisfaction.

-Tom, who has fond memories of those hours in Godfather's Pizza.