Thursday, May 8, 2008

Violentaby!

Tomorrow's children
Are alive and kicking hard
And we cheer them on.


Last night, whist lying in bed, I was treated to the sensation of feeling the baby kick from the womb. Actually, I guess I shouldn't say that I felt a kick. The kid could have been punching. Or head-butting. Or running from the back of the womb and slamming full-force into the front wall of the uterus. It's really hard to tell, being that we don't really know what's going on in there. Nonetheless, it was pretty damned neat, in that "there's a living being inside there" kind of way. It was like the G-rated version of Alien.
I know that the last thing you, gentle reader, would like is for this daily missive to turn into a sappy, sentimental flood of emotions about the little troublemaker, and I aim to keep that from happening. However, I hope you'll afford me a slight digression here or there. Hell, it's better than me talking about the yard work I'm going to do today.

Speaking of which, I've got so much yard work to do today!

Just kidding. To off-set the delightfulness of the forthcoming baby, I want to discuss video games for a moment. I've been playing that new Grand Theft Auto here and there for the past week (when I wasn't busy spending time in real jail for blowing up houses and running ver hookers.) Part of the attraction of the newest GTA installment is a little thing called the "Euphoria engine." This engine controls the bodies of the people in the game. If you shoot two pedestrians in the right shoulder, each of them will react differently. That's the Euphoria engine at work. Instead of the old "person gets shot, person falls down," you might get "person gets shot, person stumbles, person starts running away." You might also get "person gets shot, person drops to knees, person tries to get back up, person collapses." The variety of reactions helps make the game that much more interesting and real. It's quite the advancement from what we've become used to in the video game world.
I didn't really think this engine would be worth writing about until I "asked to borrow" a convertible from these two gentlemen that were waiting at a red light. I gently asked the driver to step out of the car. Once he did, I got in and urged the passenger to also exit the vehicle. As he was doing so, the driver decided that he wanted to be back in the driver's seat. He grabbed the door handle, attempting to open the door. I saw this and stepped on the gas. The ex-driver decided to hold on to the door handle, his body flapping in the breeze as I raced through the city streets. After a good mile or so, he decided to let go, waving goodbye as he tumbled down the sidewalk. Well, I think he was waving goodbye. His arm certainly was flailing.
Anywho, I took a moment to consider that when I first started playing games (Donkey Kong, Super Mario, Thudner Force III, etc.), the best technique was to memorize the patterns of the enemies and react accordingly. Now we have games that have dedicated engines for controlling random pedestrians that you may never come into contact with. It makes one wonder: why in the hell are there still fatal diseases?


I want to take a moment to reflect on the length of the GTA-themed part of today's blog as compared to the baby-themed part. I'm going to catch some flak from the wife for that.

I should be off. Like I said, there's so much yard work to be done. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Hillary Clinton's strategy of last resort
Unable to revive her presidential campaign at the polls, Hillary Rodham Clinton now envisions a road to the nomination built on disputes over Democratic Party rules and fights over delegate selections. But on Wednesday even that route looked unattainable, with some key party officials warning that they would not cooperate with Clinton's strategy.
The party leaders' comments came as they digested Tuesday night's election results from Indiana and North Carolina -- results that extended Barack Obama's lead over Clinton in both the popular vote and nominating delegates and led some to conclude that the New York senator simply could not catch up.
Yesterday, Clinton announced that she is taking the advice of so many teen comedies from the 1980's. For every five superdelegates that drop support for Obama and move into Clinton's camp, she will remove one piece of clothing. If all goes as planned, she'll be accepting the party's nomination dressed in only a leopard-print bikini.
If that doesn't work, Clinton has threatened to force the Democratic party to award her the Michigan and Florida delegates. According to an unnamed party member, "At least the bikini plan is fair."

Hooray!


Tomorrow!



Psst! My neck has returned to full turn-ality. I've been looking left and right all morning long!

3 comments:

mikefotis said...

Don't worry. Your wife probably doesn't read your blog. BURN!

Liz Ryan said...

I enjoy hearing about both video games and babies. I enjoyed the baby story more though.

Happy Mother's Day to Theresa.

josh said...

Do you think that one day the people will look out at you and ask why you're killing them?