Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Cuidado, my friends!
They've stuffed a whole fiesta
In this Hot Pocket.

Sadly, my time to write is limited today. There's a bit of fussiness that has overtaken the household. In lieu of a timely and sharp-witted collection of observations of life, I instead offer you a sampling from my up-coming book Fuck You, Michael Keaton: The Tales of a True Mr. Mom.*

Chapter 2 - Homesteaded
So, you're a dad (or mom) at home with your first young child. Great! You're learning how to live life as a parent, and not as an individual. It's not a bad thing - it's just a different thing. Different how? Let me provide for you an example.
Pre-baby, you most likely had visitors come to your house (perhaps often!) to converse and delight in your company. Pre-baby, you most likely thought of yourself as a good host, one that encouraged repeat visits from your friends.
Post-baby, you will become unable to have people at your house without it turning into an awkward social experiment.
After months of tending to your kid's feeding, sleeping, and diaper-changing needs, you'll forget how to interact with your peers. When they come by your house, you will ask if they need a drink or a snack. Then you will make sure they're comfortable. You'll probably also tell them where the bathroom is, even if they've been to your house before. After that, you will have nothing more to say, and why should you? Everything important has been taken care of - there's nothing left but to enjoy the silence.
Sadly, your guests will not enjoy the silence. They did not come to your house to sit quietly - they came to converse. Therefore, I've assembled a list of questions you can use to spur on conversation:
1) How are your jobs?
2) How about this weather?
2a) What is the weather?
3) Isn't it fun when you're not covered in spit-up?
4) Would you mind acting out the last movie you saw, so I can pretend that I've seen it too?
5) Do you mind watching the baby while we go for a short three-week vacation to the Bahamas?
Do not be alarmed if your guests take leave in the middle of your interrogation session. Most likely, they were frightened by your aggressiveness. You'll learn to overcome this in the next five years.

Coming up next: how to leave your baby in the care of your friends and family (hint: sneak out of the house when they are in the rest room!)

Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Obama raises $27 million for inaugural
Despite the economic hard times, money keeps pouring in for President-elect Barack Obama's inaugural festivities.
The inaugural committee has raised at least $27 million, donor information on its Web site Tuesday showed. Most of that has come in over the past three weeks.
More than 2,000 donors are helping to finance Obama's Jan. 20 swearing-in festivities. At least 378 gave the maximum $50,000.
The $50,000 donors get access to inaugural events including candlelight dinners with appearances by members of Congress and the Obamas and tickets to an official ball, the swearing-in ceremony and parade seating. They also receive a free cabinet position of their choosing regardless of previous experience.



* - Working title.

1 comment:

Tori Tomalia said...

How true! Since having the baby, I find it difficult to converse with non-baby friends without talking about things like spit-up and naps. I watch their eyes glaze over with a combination of non-comprehension and boredom, then I grasp for topics that I used to know how to talk about. Ah, the joys of parenthood!