Friday, August 7, 2009


The easiest way
To reach any young man's heart
Is made with lasers.

Here we are on the eve of another series of molestations of my childhood. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is upon us and, for those that grew up watching the cartoon, these next few nights will be filled with constant weeping. When I was but a boy, I had my favorite Joes. Each of my friends did. Each of the Joes had unique knowledge and abilities that made them an essential part of the team. Some personal faves included the always-balaclavaed Beach Head, the bazooka-toting Zap (because bazookas go "zap"?) and the well-protected Grand Slam who, according to Wikipedia, is "intelligent and loves to read escapist fantasy." Of course he does, Wikipedia.

However, for some inexplicable reason, the movie has removed these individual traits and outfits, instead having all of the Joes wear super bionic suits that give them the ability to... fly through buildings and bounce off cars? Sure, the characters still have their trademark names, but there's not going to be some fella in a sailor suit with a parrot on his shoulder hanging out in the background. And that, my friends, is a travesty. If there's one thing that set G.I.Joe apart from the other cartoons, it was the broad diversity of the soldiers. It was the most dangerous rainbow coalition. Now... now it's just another action movie. That makes me sad. If you're going to steal your ideas from mid-80's cartoon programming, Hollywood, it would do you well to stick to the source material.

That being said, I still might see this movie on opening weekend. Knowing is half the battle. The other half, I guess, is ignoring what you know.

A side note! Two movies are opening this weekend: G.I. Joe and A Perfect Getaway. The trailers for both movies claim thy will "blow me away." I hope that these movies are playing across from each other, and the ushers have to clean a pile of blown-away movie-goers from the hallway every two hours.

In other news, Ferrari McSpeedy's return to Fringe has been exciting and fresh, and will be ending with quite the bang. We're bringing Punk Rock Omaha back for one show only on Sunday at 1pm at the Rarig Center Thrust. As an added bonus, we're not changing it one bit from its 2002 incarnation. Take that, Hollywood!


Clarence Wethern said...

You need to wear this when you attend the movie:

Voix said...

Ummm. . . I don't know if you noticed this, but you kinda made the GI Joe characters sound more like the Village People than anything.

Just sayin.