In this modern-age world
You can't drive your car around
Without a sticker.
Hello and good-morrow! I sadly have but a moment to post a missive, as today is "license plate tab renewal" day. I must off to the DMV and purchase myself a little sticker that says I've purchased a sticker for my car. It's a special sticker, made from the skin of unicorns by an certified US astronaut. It must be that special, otherwise it wouldn't cost me $100 to obtain it. Rumor has it that, once affixed to my automobile, I'll be able to pay a nickel per gallon less for gas, and, when traffic is really bad, I'll be able to drive on lawns and through small creeks without consequence. What a time I will have! In fact, I can hardly believe that I've waited so long to make these dreams come true. Anywho, I'd spend more time blogging, but I have mischief to commit. Sticker-approved mischief.
In a few brief other topics:
- You might notice that I listed a "feed" button on the right side of the page. If you have a website that reads feeds, then by all means click that button and have at it. If you, much like me, have no idea what a feed is, then stay away! Do not click the happy little button! It's nothing more than a world of trouble, that willy-nilly clicking!
- Tonight, Ferrari McSpeedy competes against Five Man Job in Punch Out! I know that things were a little heated earlier in the week. I believe that the mud-slinging and aggressive posturing will give way to two lovely sets of improvisation. You should come out and see for yourself. Punch Out! at the BNW at 11 pm. It'll be good. All good.
- Today's Joke!
Mars Lander Starts Moving Its Robotic Arm
NASA’s Phoenix Mars lander has successfully lifted its robotic arm, mission managers announced Thursday.
All of the joints are healthy, and we’re raring to go,” Matthew L. Robinson, the lead engineer for the mission’s robotic arm flight software, said at a news conference Thursday. Overcoming one of the few glitches in the mission so far, the arm was able to free itself from a protective sheaf that did not fully unwrap after landing.
The primary mission for the lander is to keep waving the robotic arm while watching the horizon for a creature to wave back. Upon first contact, the lander will then approach the creature and offer up a high five. If the creature responds positively, the mission to find life on Mars will be deemed a success, and the creature will immediately be captured to determine if it could either be sent to Iraq to help the war effort or used as a fuel for American automobiles.
Yay!
Monday!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Essemess!
All across the globe
We message with each other
And make pants vibrate.
I was noodling through my phone yesterday when I came across the text message templates that come standard on the device. For the most part, the templates make sense. There's "In a meeting right now" and "I'm busy right now, will call later." Each of these are great templates, as you would send them in times that you wouldn't necessarily want to spend a lot of time typing. In fact, out of the eleven standard templates, nine of them were logical choices. However, there are two options that I have to question:
1) Happy Birthday.
I realize that my selection of friends is not immense. Weeks will go by during which not a single person I know celebrates a birthday. However, when someone I know does have a birthday, I'm willing to take a few moments out of my life to type the words "happy birthday." To use a template that already says "happy birthday" seems cheap. I know that the recipient would never know that it was nothing more than a template, but still...
Perhaps this is different if you have some seven hundred thousand phone numbers in your phone and you find yourself sending 1900 "happy birthday" text messages every day. But honestly, how many of you fall into that category? That's what I thought.
2) I love you too.
If not taking the time to write "happy birthday" wasn't bad enough, this one is truly the mark of a terrible person. If a person is willing to admit their feelings towards you via text message, shouldn't you honor that with a non-template reply? Let your heart speak for itself - don't use some boilerplate response programed by a complete stranger.
Perhaps you use the "I love you too" template simply because you're inundated with messages that say "I love you." If that's the case, maybe you should rethink how you're living your life. Someone's gonna get hurt, Lothario, and there isn't a text message template that says "I'm sorry."
Anywho, I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after Muslim scarf complaints
Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an online advertisement featuring Rachael Ray after complaints that a fringed black-and-white scarf that the celebrity chef wore in the ad offers symbolic support for Muslim extremism and terrorism.
The coffee and baked goods chain said the ad that began appearing online May 7 was pulled over the past weekend because "the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."
Critics, including conservative commentator Michelle Malkin, complained that the scarf wrapped around her looked like a kaffiyeh, the traditional Arab headdress. Critics who fueled online complaints about the ad in blogs say such scarves have come to symbolize Muslim extremism and terrorism.
The ad and the resulting criticism is reminiscent of a 1980's Dunkin Donuts ad in which Julia Child sold donuts to a number of blindfolded diplomats, who responded with lines such as "Iran, Uran, we all ran to Dunkin Donuts!" and "I'm a hostage to the great taste of Dunkin Donuts!""
Huzzah!
Tomorrow!
We message with each other
And make pants vibrate.
I was noodling through my phone yesterday when I came across the text message templates that come standard on the device. For the most part, the templates make sense. There's "In a meeting right now" and "I'm busy right now, will call later." Each of these are great templates, as you would send them in times that you wouldn't necessarily want to spend a lot of time typing. In fact, out of the eleven standard templates, nine of them were logical choices. However, there are two options that I have to question:
1) Happy Birthday.
I realize that my selection of friends is not immense. Weeks will go by during which not a single person I know celebrates a birthday. However, when someone I know does have a birthday, I'm willing to take a few moments out of my life to type the words "happy birthday." To use a template that already says "happy birthday" seems cheap. I know that the recipient would never know that it was nothing more than a template, but still...
Perhaps this is different if you have some seven hundred thousand phone numbers in your phone and you find yourself sending 1900 "happy birthday" text messages every day. But honestly, how many of you fall into that category? That's what I thought.
2) I love you too.
If not taking the time to write "happy birthday" wasn't bad enough, this one is truly the mark of a terrible person. If a person is willing to admit their feelings towards you via text message, shouldn't you honor that with a non-template reply? Let your heart speak for itself - don't use some boilerplate response programed by a complete stranger.
Perhaps you use the "I love you too" template simply because you're inundated with messages that say "I love you." If that's the case, maybe you should rethink how you're living your life. Someone's gonna get hurt, Lothario, and there isn't a text message template that says "I'm sorry."
Anywho, I should be off. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after Muslim scarf complaints
Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an online advertisement featuring Rachael Ray after complaints that a fringed black-and-white scarf that the celebrity chef wore in the ad offers symbolic support for Muslim extremism and terrorism.
The coffee and baked goods chain said the ad that began appearing online May 7 was pulled over the past weekend because "the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."
Critics, including conservative commentator Michelle Malkin, complained that the scarf wrapped around her looked like a kaffiyeh, the traditional Arab headdress. Critics who fueled online complaints about the ad in blogs say such scarves have come to symbolize Muslim extremism and terrorism.
The ad and the resulting criticism is reminiscent of a 1980's Dunkin Donuts ad in which Julia Child sold donuts to a number of blindfolded diplomats, who responded with lines such as "Iran, Uran, we all ran to Dunkin Donuts!" and "I'm a hostage to the great taste of Dunkin Donuts!""
Huzzah!
Tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Animatrouble!
Deep in the basement
While you sleep away the night:
Disco mouse party!
Pardon me for a moment, but I need to get this out of the way:
An Open Letter To The Person That Keeps Putting CGI Animals Into Movies.
Dear Sir or Madam,
Please stop with the fake computer animals. I don't need a prairie dog's comical expression of bewilderment to tell me that what I just saw was bewildering. I can come to those conclusions on my own. Also, a chipmunk singing "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" might be sending the wrong message to our children. Do we really want to create a generation of citizens that has a strange attraction to rodents? We saw what happened to Richard Gere. We don't need that sort of trouble for the youth of America's future.
Next time you're moved to create a digital animal for a film, might I recommend getting a real animal instead and putting peanut butter on its gums? It worked wonders for Mr. Ed.
Much obliged,
-PJF
Apologies. That's been bugging me.
Anywho, Mike and I are at Punch Out! this Friday at 11 pm at the BNW. We're competing against Five Man Job. As such, Mr. Butch Roy has already started making claims that Five Man Job will "destroy" Ferrari McSpeedy. Normally, I'm not one to get involve in these heated pre-show pissing contests (I save my anger for the softball field) but then I read this from Butch's blog:
No more sad orphans and angry impressions of high school basketball coaches you let down.
All right, Butch. If you want to play that way, then let's play:
After Friday night, there will be no more awkward rants to start a set.
There will be no more aggressively sexual assaults on children.
There will be no more gay-ass transformations.
There will be no more Five Man Job.
You started this war, Butch. Ferrari McSpeedy is going to end it. After we obliterate FMJ at Punch Out!, we're going to take over Go Go and start charging $2: one dollar for us, one dollar for the StageBenders.
Well, now that I'm done posturing for an improv show, I think it's time that I high-tail it out of here. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
McCain, Bush campaign together amid complex relationship of pitfalls, benefits
John McCain's complex relationship with President Bush can be summed up with a simple saying: can't live with him, can't live without him.
The president's own popularity is bottom-of-the-barrel low. Even allies privately fret that he's an albatross for the Republican looking to succeed him. Voters are crying out for change amid a prolonged Iraq war and a weakened economy.
But Bush also is beloved among GOP loyalists. He's a proven campaigner who can raise serious money. Those are huge assets as Arizona Sen. McCain works to rally the Republican base and fill his coffers while facing the Democrats' unrivaled enthusiasm and record-breaking fundraising.
As McCain put it in a recent interview, "Thirty percent of this nation still thinks the world of President Bush. I need to get those crazy motherf*ckers over to my side."
The president and his would-be successor were appearing together Tuesday for the first time in nearly three months at an event that epitomized both elements of their tricky alliance — they were holding a fundraiser with GOP faithful at a private home, without the media to document it. Among the invitees were Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Randy Brinson, Jack Abramoff, the former heads of Enron, a selection of scientists that call global warming a hoax, and Jesus.
Yay!
Tomorrow!
While you sleep away the night:
Disco mouse party!
Pardon me for a moment, but I need to get this out of the way:
An Open Letter To The Person That Keeps Putting CGI Animals Into Movies.
Dear Sir or Madam,
Please stop with the fake computer animals. I don't need a prairie dog's comical expression of bewilderment to tell me that what I just saw was bewildering. I can come to those conclusions on my own. Also, a chipmunk singing "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" might be sending the wrong message to our children. Do we really want to create a generation of citizens that has a strange attraction to rodents? We saw what happened to Richard Gere. We don't need that sort of trouble for the youth of America's future.
Next time you're moved to create a digital animal for a film, might I recommend getting a real animal instead and putting peanut butter on its gums? It worked wonders for Mr. Ed.
Much obliged,
-PJF
Apologies. That's been bugging me.
Anywho, Mike and I are at Punch Out! this Friday at 11 pm at the BNW. We're competing against Five Man Job. As such, Mr. Butch Roy has already started making claims that Five Man Job will "destroy" Ferrari McSpeedy. Normally, I'm not one to get involve in these heated pre-show pissing contests (I save my anger for the softball field) but then I read this from Butch's blog:
No more sad orphans and angry impressions of high school basketball coaches you let down.
All right, Butch. If you want to play that way, then let's play:
After Friday night, there will be no more awkward rants to start a set.
There will be no more aggressively sexual assaults on children.
There will be no more gay-ass transformations.
There will be no more Five Man Job.
You started this war, Butch. Ferrari McSpeedy is going to end it. After we obliterate FMJ at Punch Out!, we're going to take over Go Go and start charging $2: one dollar for us, one dollar for the StageBenders.
Well, now that I'm done posturing for an improv show, I think it's time that I high-tail it out of here. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
McCain, Bush campaign together amid complex relationship of pitfalls, benefits
John McCain's complex relationship with President Bush can be summed up with a simple saying: can't live with him, can't live without him.
The president's own popularity is bottom-of-the-barrel low. Even allies privately fret that he's an albatross for the Republican looking to succeed him. Voters are crying out for change amid a prolonged Iraq war and a weakened economy.
But Bush also is beloved among GOP loyalists. He's a proven campaigner who can raise serious money. Those are huge assets as Arizona Sen. McCain works to rally the Republican base and fill his coffers while facing the Democrats' unrivaled enthusiasm and record-breaking fundraising.
As McCain put it in a recent interview, "Thirty percent of this nation still thinks the world of President Bush. I need to get those crazy motherf*ckers over to my side."
The president and his would-be successor were appearing together Tuesday for the first time in nearly three months at an event that epitomized both elements of their tricky alliance — they were holding a fundraiser with GOP faithful at a private home, without the media to document it. Among the invitees were Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Randy Brinson, Jack Abramoff, the former heads of Enron, a selection of scientists that call global warming a hoax, and Jesus.
Yay!
Tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Memorialize!
Smoke wafts from the meat,
The sizzling fire crackles,
Our loins are ablaze.
Wowzers! What a weekend that was, huh? Since Thursday, I saw Indiana Jones, went to three different bar-be-ques, tried to make part of my back yard grow grass instead of mud, fixed the myriad of leaks under my kitchen sink, competed in a foot race of an undetermined length, and watched a show on the History Channel about the battle at Midway in honor of the Memorial Day holiday. In other words, I could not have shoved anymore fun into the holiday weekend if I had a shoe horn and a confetti gun. I can only hope that your weekend was half as action-packed as mine.
Let's hit some specifics like a basketball star hits nothing but net!
Indiana Jones! I'm not going to go too far into detail here as even though it grossed over $100 million since opening, you might not have contributed to this particular Harrison Ford retirement fund. Anywho, the middle of the movie (a good 75% of it) was fantastic. It was nearly everything a decent Indy movie should have been. However, the beginning portion of the movie was disappointing. From terrible CGI animals to Indy witnessing an explosion that should have melted his face like a Nazi with the Ark of the Covenant, the first twenty minutes of the movie were bad. Really bad. If you haven't gone yet, just show up late. Trust me, it will be OK.
In the end, Indy gets a FOTi. Honestly, if you and I have a conversation about the film, you'll hear me go on and on about the many issues I had with the film and you'll wonder why I gave it anything above an Fo. However, it's Indiana Jones. By nature, I can't give it anything lower than a FOTi. And really, that 75% that's good is really good.
Next topic!
B-B-Q's! Between a bachelor, a brother, and a co-worker with a birthday, this weekend was chock-full of outdoor grilling. Usually, the wife and I kick off the "unofficial start of summer" with a cook-out, but ours has been delayed to next Sunday. To whet my grilling appetite, I ended up doing a good amount of grilling at yesterday's bar-be-que. I cooked, for the first time ever, shrimp-ke-bobs and chicken wings. Well, technically, I cooked most of the chicken wings. There was one that made it through partially uncooked. Sorry Bobby. I hope you're not confined to the poop room all day long...
Yard work! Who wants to read about that?
Next topic!
Leaks! All I have to say about this is that Plumber's Putty is the greatest thing in the world. I'm using that on every home-remodeling project I come across.
Next topic!
Foot races!
After eating two turkey burgers and drinking a Coke, I and several other meat-laden friends decided to run around a lake to determine who could run around the lake on a full stomach the fastest. First guesses put the length of the race at about a quarter-mile. After running it, it seemed much closer to three-quarters. Fortunately, I've kept my body in such good condition that I ran the whole thing without wanting to die, and afterwards, I showed no signs of being on the verge of passing out.
Wait. Both of those things are wrong...
I need to stop competing in foot races.
Next topic!
Battle 360! This show on the History Channel retells the wars of our past with computer graphics and interviews with those that were there. It's so captivating that the wife and I spent an hour learning about the US fleets meeting the Japanese fleets at Midway. The computer graphics were used to map out the battle as it took place, and the interviews gave the show a humanity that made it all the more engaging. If you have the History Channel, I'd recommend giving Battle 360 a look-see.
Next topic!
Special bonus! Have you been wondering what Sinbad has been up to since Jingle All The Way? If you watched television last night, you might have been treated to his latest escapades! Sinbad hosted the 9th(!) Annual Movie Trailer Awards! Yes, your favorite actor from Houseguest spent his Memorial Day giving awards to people that condense movies into two-minute long commercials. Some stars shine so bright.
Next topic!
South metro students in trouble for T-shirt's naughty message
A naughty pun on a T-shirt has the junior class at Eagan High School in hot water.
School administrators have sent an e-mail to families objecting to the message on T-shirts ordered by juniors. It says: "Kiss Our Class Goodbye" -- 09.
The administrators say the students who proposed the shirt were told before ordering that it was improper.
"This is reminiscent of the 'Kiss our Class Goodbye' t-shirt scandal of 2007," said one Eagan High School administrator. "And of 2006. And 2005. And 2004. Now that I think about it, these kids order these shirts every year. Damn kids."
Those that wear the t-shirts to school will be asked to remove the shirts and don instead a woolen suit, top hat and monocle. "We'll give these kids some class to kiss goodbye," the administrator said.
Huzzah!
Tomorrow!
The sizzling fire crackles,
Our loins are ablaze.
Wowzers! What a weekend that was, huh? Since Thursday, I saw Indiana Jones, went to three different bar-be-ques, tried to make part of my back yard grow grass instead of mud, fixed the myriad of leaks under my kitchen sink, competed in a foot race of an undetermined length, and watched a show on the History Channel about the battle at Midway in honor of the Memorial Day holiday. In other words, I could not have shoved anymore fun into the holiday weekend if I had a shoe horn and a confetti gun. I can only hope that your weekend was half as action-packed as mine.
Let's hit some specifics like a basketball star hits nothing but net!
Indiana Jones! I'm not going to go too far into detail here as even though it grossed over $100 million since opening, you might not have contributed to this particular Harrison Ford retirement fund. Anywho, the middle of the movie (a good 75% of it) was fantastic. It was nearly everything a decent Indy movie should have been. However, the beginning portion of the movie was disappointing. From terrible CGI animals to Indy witnessing an explosion that should have melted his face like a Nazi with the Ark of the Covenant, the first twenty minutes of the movie were bad. Really bad. If you haven't gone yet, just show up late. Trust me, it will be OK.
In the end, Indy gets a FOTi. Honestly, if you and I have a conversation about the film, you'll hear me go on and on about the many issues I had with the film and you'll wonder why I gave it anything above an Fo. However, it's Indiana Jones. By nature, I can't give it anything lower than a FOTi. And really, that 75% that's good is really good.
Next topic!
B-B-Q's! Between a bachelor, a brother, and a co-worker with a birthday, this weekend was chock-full of outdoor grilling. Usually, the wife and I kick off the "unofficial start of summer" with a cook-out, but ours has been delayed to next Sunday. To whet my grilling appetite, I ended up doing a good amount of grilling at yesterday's bar-be-que. I cooked, for the first time ever, shrimp-ke-bobs and chicken wings. Well, technically, I cooked most of the chicken wings. There was one that made it through partially uncooked. Sorry Bobby. I hope you're not confined to the poop room all day long...
Yard work! Who wants to read about that?
Next topic!
Leaks! All I have to say about this is that Plumber's Putty is the greatest thing in the world. I'm using that on every home-remodeling project I come across.
Next topic!
Foot races!
After eating two turkey burgers and drinking a Coke, I and several other meat-laden friends decided to run around a lake to determine who could run around the lake on a full stomach the fastest. First guesses put the length of the race at about a quarter-mile. After running it, it seemed much closer to three-quarters. Fortunately, I've kept my body in such good condition that I ran the whole thing without wanting to die, and afterwards, I showed no signs of being on the verge of passing out.
Wait. Both of those things are wrong...
I need to stop competing in foot races.
Next topic!
Battle 360! This show on the History Channel retells the wars of our past with computer graphics and interviews with those that were there. It's so captivating that the wife and I spent an hour learning about the US fleets meeting the Japanese fleets at Midway. The computer graphics were used to map out the battle as it took place, and the interviews gave the show a humanity that made it all the more engaging. If you have the History Channel, I'd recommend giving Battle 360 a look-see.
Next topic!
Special bonus! Have you been wondering what Sinbad has been up to since Jingle All The Way? If you watched television last night, you might have been treated to his latest escapades! Sinbad hosted the 9th(!) Annual Movie Trailer Awards! Yes, your favorite actor from Houseguest spent his Memorial Day giving awards to people that condense movies into two-minute long commercials. Some stars shine so bright.
Next topic!
South metro students in trouble for T-shirt's naughty message
A naughty pun on a T-shirt has the junior class at Eagan High School in hot water.
School administrators have sent an e-mail to families objecting to the message on T-shirts ordered by juniors. It says: "Kiss Our Class Goodbye" -- 09.
The administrators say the students who proposed the shirt were told before ordering that it was improper.
"This is reminiscent of the 'Kiss our Class Goodbye' t-shirt scandal of 2007," said one Eagan High School administrator. "And of 2006. And 2005. And 2004. Now that I think about it, these kids order these shirts every year. Damn kids."
Those that wear the t-shirts to school will be asked to remove the shirts and don instead a woolen suit, top hat and monocle. "We'll give these kids some class to kiss goodbye," the administrator said.
Huzzah!
Tomorrow!
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