Rip open your skin.
Cover the field with blood.
It's for America.
Well, my heart got in the way of my sense of self-preservation last night. I was on third base and a grounder was hit up to the pitcher. I had a choice: I could stay on third and watch the pitcher run throw out the runner, or I could draw the pitcher's attention towards home. I chose the latter. As the ball came to the catcher, I slid. I felt the scabs from the game two weeks ago tear back open. My knee lit up in a bright shooting pain. The ump called me safe.
As I stood up and walked back to the bench, feeling my sock grow damp and red, I decided it was worth it.
And then I fainted.
In the end, the Skirt Turtles won 13-14. It was a glorious, hard-fought victory. I just wish I was conscious enough to witness it.
In other news, it's been just over two weeks of writing on blogspot as opposed to MySpace. It seems as though the number of daily readers has dropped a bit, and I've heard a complaint or two about not being able to comment unless you have a Google account (which is easy to get, if you're so interested). Other than that, what are your thoughts on the switch? Like it? Hate it? Have you stopped reading the daily missives? If so, why are you reading this one? Post below (or on MySpace) and let me know!
I'd like to take a moment today to interest you in a little show this coming Sunday. It's Improv A Go Go's 6th anniversary. Ferrari McSpeedy is scheduled to perform, along with three other kick-butt improv groups. You should attend. It's promises to be outstanding in every way possible.
I should be off. Today requires that I hobble around both Minneapolis and St. Paul with my bloody knee, and I must therefore allow myself a little extra time to get from hither to thither. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
McCain Differs With Bush on Climate Change
Senator John McCain sought to distance himself from President Bush on Monday as he called for a mandatory limit on greenhouse gas emissions in the United States to combat climate change.
Mr. McCain, in a speech at a wind power company, also pledged to work with the European Union to diplomatically engage China and India, two of the world’s biggest polluters, if they refuse to participate in an international agreement to slow global warming.
“I will not shirk the mantle of leadership that the United States bears,” Mr. McCain said pointedly. “I will not permit eight long years to pass without serious action on serious challenges.”
"If we can reverse the effects of global warming and keep the earth from plummeting into chaos, then we must do everything we can to make sure that happens. I mean, I was there for the Little Ice Age, and I saw the devastation first-hand of a changing climate. You don't know what kind of trouble we're getting into with this climate change stuff."
Huzzah!
Tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Puttulary!
You can't feel good
Shooting twenty over par
In miniature golf.
Last night, to put a fun cap on Mother's Day, the family clan got together and played eighteen holes of mini-golf. It was a pleasant excursion, although it only reminded me of two things:
1) I can't putt. Well, that's not totally true. I can putt. I just can't do it in a straight line. Nor can I judge how hard or soft to hit the ball. Each approach involves me eyeing up the hole, getting into proper putting stance, closing my eyes and hoping that when I open them back up, my ball will be near the hole. Or at least on the green. Or not in the water. Please don't let it be in the water...
2) Every person has a breaking point in mini-golf. It usually hits around hole #10 or 11. The absurdity of attempting to hit the ball into a little hole through a course riddled with obstacles butts head against a loose grasp on geometry and physics and, before you know it, you're throwing your club at the little children running through the course. We all know it's coming, and yet, when offered the chance to go mini-golfing, we all lie to ourselves, saying "This time I'll keep a level head. I'll putt well, finish a few over par, and, while laying in bed that night, dream of the delightful time I had." Then, hole #14 hits and you're being tackled by maintenance men as you threaten to poop into the sand trap like a gigantic kitty cat. Don't shake your head: it happens to all of us. You know that much is true.
That's why there's always a bench or two mid-way through the course - so on-lookers can sit and watch the melt-downs in comfort.
Even though I was reminded of those two items, it was still nice to get out in the lovely weather and spend some time with the family. It almost makes the bruises worth it.
Speaking of bruises, the Skirt Turtles are playing again at the Nokomis Fields (at 50th and Cedar) at 6 pm (field #7!) Last time I played, I scraped my knee up so much that it impressed the tough-skinned waitress at Matt's Tavern. Tonight, I'm going to try and not slide. Will I be successful in saving my skin, or will my heart lead me to another epidermis-destroying play? You'll have to come by to find out (or wait until tomorrow's blog. It's your choice, really.)
Anywho, I should be off. Today is a day of action and adventure. Well, writing action and adventure. My tales are those of the imagination. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Bank robber in Hastings leaves jacket, dye stained cash behind
A bank robber in Hastings got the cash, but he didn't get far before a dye pack exploded and he dropped the money and his windbreaker as he got in a vehicle and fled, the Minneapolis FBI said.
Authorities are still looking for the suspect who held up the TCF Bank at 1729 Market Blvd. around 11:15 a.m. Friday and left in a late model black Toyota sedan driven by an accomplice, said Special Agent Paul McCabe.
The robber is described as a black man in his late 20s, between 5 feet 4 inches and 5 feet 6 inches, with a medium build, dark complexion and goatee.
The suspect is also jacket-less, which should make him very easy to spot come next December.
"We're just holding out until the temps drop," said one FBI agent. "We always get our man, even if it takes eight or nine months."
Yay!
Tomorrow!
Psst! It's totally acceptable to pronounce "miniature" with three syllables instead of four.
Shooting twenty over par
In miniature golf.
Last night, to put a fun cap on Mother's Day, the family clan got together and played eighteen holes of mini-golf. It was a pleasant excursion, although it only reminded me of two things:
1) I can't putt. Well, that's not totally true. I can putt. I just can't do it in a straight line. Nor can I judge how hard or soft to hit the ball. Each approach involves me eyeing up the hole, getting into proper putting stance, closing my eyes and hoping that when I open them back up, my ball will be near the hole. Or at least on the green. Or not in the water. Please don't let it be in the water...
2) Every person has a breaking point in mini-golf. It usually hits around hole #10 or 11. The absurdity of attempting to hit the ball into a little hole through a course riddled with obstacles butts head against a loose grasp on geometry and physics and, before you know it, you're throwing your club at the little children running through the course. We all know it's coming, and yet, when offered the chance to go mini-golfing, we all lie to ourselves, saying "This time I'll keep a level head. I'll putt well, finish a few over par, and, while laying in bed that night, dream of the delightful time I had." Then, hole #14 hits and you're being tackled by maintenance men as you threaten to poop into the sand trap like a gigantic kitty cat. Don't shake your head: it happens to all of us. You know that much is true.
That's why there's always a bench or two mid-way through the course - so on-lookers can sit and watch the melt-downs in comfort.
Even though I was reminded of those two items, it was still nice to get out in the lovely weather and spend some time with the family. It almost makes the bruises worth it.
Speaking of bruises, the Skirt Turtles are playing again at the Nokomis Fields (at 50th and Cedar) at 6 pm (field #7!) Last time I played, I scraped my knee up so much that it impressed the tough-skinned waitress at Matt's Tavern. Tonight, I'm going to try and not slide. Will I be successful in saving my skin, or will my heart lead me to another epidermis-destroying play? You'll have to come by to find out (or wait until tomorrow's blog. It's your choice, really.)
Anywho, I should be off. Today is a day of action and adventure. Well, writing action and adventure. My tales are those of the imagination. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Bank robber in Hastings leaves jacket, dye stained cash behind
A bank robber in Hastings got the cash, but he didn't get far before a dye pack exploded and he dropped the money and his windbreaker as he got in a vehicle and fled, the Minneapolis FBI said.
Authorities are still looking for the suspect who held up the TCF Bank at 1729 Market Blvd. around 11:15 a.m. Friday and left in a late model black Toyota sedan driven by an accomplice, said Special Agent Paul McCabe.
The robber is described as a black man in his late 20s, between 5 feet 4 inches and 5 feet 6 inches, with a medium build, dark complexion and goatee.
The suspect is also jacket-less, which should make him very easy to spot come next December.
"We're just holding out until the temps drop," said one FBI agent. "We always get our man, even if it takes eight or nine months."
Yay!
Tomorrow!
Psst! It's totally acceptable to pronounce "miniature" with three syllables instead of four.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Momserday!
You may have the urge
To tattoo "Mom" on your chest.
She'd prefer a card.
First and foremost, HUGE Theater is at Punch Out! tonight at 11 pm at the BNW. If you haven't been to Punch Out!, then you might not know that it's an improvisational competition in which two teams enter and, well, two teams leave, but not before one is recognized as the better of the two. Tonight, HUGE competes against 1-2-3 Improv!, a feel-good group that uses improvisation to improve the lives of those watching. We're going to need all the help we can get, so come on out and support HUGE.
Secondly, today is a big, big day for several of my friends. Two couples I know are purchasing homes today, while another friend is celebrating a birthday. Congrats are due to all involved. Having both purchased a home and celebrated a birthday in the past, I know that both activities can be stressful and exciting. No matter how rough it gets, always remember that at the end of the day, you've earned yourself a cake. Don't miss out on that.
On that note, I know of one person that would buy houses just to earn himself some cake. I cannot endorse that sort of lifestyle. You risk going into deep, moist, chocolaty debt that you may never be free of.
Thirdly, Today's Joke!
Suspended driver's license surprises Rybak
Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak has been driving without a valid license for nearly three months.
His driver's license has been suspended since Feb. 14 because he failed to pay the full amount of a 2006 speeding ticket, Minnesota court records show.
Local news outlets, upon hearing of the story, promised to sensationalize it to the best of their abilities, but also complained that the story lacked the "hookers, drugs, and/or illegitimate children" needed to catch the eye of the nation.
Said one Fox 9 news reporter, "How are the Twin Cities going to stay a major metropolitan area if our leaders can't get into national attention-grabbing news?"
The reporter then went on to urge either Rybak or St. Paul mayor Chris Coleman to "shoot some kids while roaming down the streets in a pants-less drunken stupor." The reporter then produced a bottle of Night Train and a 9mm handgun urged the mayors to "come and make some ratings."
Yay?
Monday!
Psst! Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.
To tattoo "Mom" on your chest.
She'd prefer a card.
First and foremost, HUGE Theater is at Punch Out! tonight at 11 pm at the BNW. If you haven't been to Punch Out!, then you might not know that it's an improvisational competition in which two teams enter and, well, two teams leave, but not before one is recognized as the better of the two. Tonight, HUGE competes against 1-2-3 Improv!, a feel-good group that uses improvisation to improve the lives of those watching. We're going to need all the help we can get, so come on out and support HUGE.
Secondly, today is a big, big day for several of my friends. Two couples I know are purchasing homes today, while another friend is celebrating a birthday. Congrats are due to all involved. Having both purchased a home and celebrated a birthday in the past, I know that both activities can be stressful and exciting. No matter how rough it gets, always remember that at the end of the day, you've earned yourself a cake. Don't miss out on that.
On that note, I know of one person that would buy houses just to earn himself some cake. I cannot endorse that sort of lifestyle. You risk going into deep, moist, chocolaty debt that you may never be free of.
Thirdly, Today's Joke!
Suspended driver's license surprises Rybak
Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak has been driving without a valid license for nearly three months.
His driver's license has been suspended since Feb. 14 because he failed to pay the full amount of a 2006 speeding ticket, Minnesota court records show.
Local news outlets, upon hearing of the story, promised to sensationalize it to the best of their abilities, but also complained that the story lacked the "hookers, drugs, and/or illegitimate children" needed to catch the eye of the nation.
Said one Fox 9 news reporter, "How are the Twin Cities going to stay a major metropolitan area if our leaders can't get into national attention-grabbing news?"
The reporter then went on to urge either Rybak or St. Paul mayor Chris Coleman to "shoot some kids while roaming down the streets in a pants-less drunken stupor." The reporter then produced a bottle of Night Train and a 9mm handgun urged the mayors to "come and make some ratings."
Yay?
Monday!
Psst! Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Violentaby!
Tomorrow's children
Are alive and kicking hard
And we cheer them on.
Last night, whist lying in bed, I was treated to the sensation of feeling the baby kick from the womb. Actually, I guess I shouldn't say that I felt a kick. The kid could have been punching. Or head-butting. Or running from the back of the womb and slamming full-force into the front wall of the uterus. It's really hard to tell, being that we don't really know what's going on in there. Nonetheless, it was pretty damned neat, in that "there's a living being inside there" kind of way. It was like the G-rated version of Alien.
I know that the last thing you, gentle reader, would like is for this daily missive to turn into a sappy, sentimental flood of emotions about the little troublemaker, and I aim to keep that from happening. However, I hope you'll afford me a slight digression here or there. Hell, it's better than me talking about the yard work I'm going to do today.
Speaking of which, I've got so much yard work to do today!
Just kidding. To off-set the delightfulness of the forthcoming baby, I want to discuss video games for a moment. I've been playing that new Grand Theft Auto here and there for the past week (when I wasn't busy spending time in real jail for blowing up houses and running ver hookers.) Part of the attraction of the newest GTA installment is a little thing called the "Euphoria engine." This engine controls the bodies of the people in the game. If you shoot two pedestrians in the right shoulder, each of them will react differently. That's the Euphoria engine at work. Instead of the old "person gets shot, person falls down," you might get "person gets shot, person stumbles, person starts running away." You might also get "person gets shot, person drops to knees, person tries to get back up, person collapses." The variety of reactions helps make the game that much more interesting and real. It's quite the advancement from what we've become used to in the video game world.
I didn't really think this engine would be worth writing about until I "asked to borrow" a convertible from these two gentlemen that were waiting at a red light. I gently asked the driver to step out of the car. Once he did, I got in and urged the passenger to also exit the vehicle. As he was doing so, the driver decided that he wanted to be back in the driver's seat. He grabbed the door handle, attempting to open the door. I saw this and stepped on the gas. The ex-driver decided to hold on to the door handle, his body flapping in the breeze as I raced through the city streets. After a good mile or so, he decided to let go, waving goodbye as he tumbled down the sidewalk. Well, I think he was waving goodbye. His arm certainly was flailing.
Anywho, I took a moment to consider that when I first started playing games (Donkey Kong, Super Mario, Thudner Force III, etc.), the best technique was to memorize the patterns of the enemies and react accordingly. Now we have games that have dedicated engines for controlling random pedestrians that you may never come into contact with. It makes one wonder: why in the hell are there still fatal diseases?
I want to take a moment to reflect on the length of the GTA-themed part of today's blog as compared to the baby-themed part. I'm going to catch some flak from the wife for that.
I should be off. Like I said, there's so much yard work to be done. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Hillary Clinton's strategy of last resort
Unable to revive her presidential campaign at the polls, Hillary Rodham Clinton now envisions a road to the nomination built on disputes over Democratic Party rules and fights over delegate selections. But on Wednesday even that route looked unattainable, with some key party officials warning that they would not cooperate with Clinton's strategy.
The party leaders' comments came as they digested Tuesday night's election results from Indiana and North Carolina -- results that extended Barack Obama's lead over Clinton in both the popular vote and nominating delegates and led some to conclude that the New York senator simply could not catch up.
Yesterday, Clinton announced that she is taking the advice of so many teen comedies from the 1980's. For every five superdelegates that drop support for Obama and move into Clinton's camp, she will remove one piece of clothing. If all goes as planned, she'll be accepting the party's nomination dressed in only a leopard-print bikini.
If that doesn't work, Clinton has threatened to force the Democratic party to award her the Michigan and Florida delegates. According to an unnamed party member, "At least the bikini plan is fair."
Hooray!
Tomorrow!
Psst! My neck has returned to full turn-ality. I've been looking left and right all morning long!
Are alive and kicking hard
And we cheer them on.
Last night, whist lying in bed, I was treated to the sensation of feeling the baby kick from the womb. Actually, I guess I shouldn't say that I felt a kick. The kid could have been punching. Or head-butting. Or running from the back of the womb and slamming full-force into the front wall of the uterus. It's really hard to tell, being that we don't really know what's going on in there. Nonetheless, it was pretty damned neat, in that "there's a living being inside there" kind of way. It was like the G-rated version of Alien.
I know that the last thing you, gentle reader, would like is for this daily missive to turn into a sappy, sentimental flood of emotions about the little troublemaker, and I aim to keep that from happening. However, I hope you'll afford me a slight digression here or there. Hell, it's better than me talking about the yard work I'm going to do today.
Speaking of which, I've got so much yard work to do today!
Just kidding. To off-set the delightfulness of the forthcoming baby, I want to discuss video games for a moment. I've been playing that new Grand Theft Auto here and there for the past week (when I wasn't busy spending time in real jail for blowing up houses and running ver hookers.) Part of the attraction of the newest GTA installment is a little thing called the "Euphoria engine." This engine controls the bodies of the people in the game. If you shoot two pedestrians in the right shoulder, each of them will react differently. That's the Euphoria engine at work. Instead of the old "person gets shot, person falls down," you might get "person gets shot, person stumbles, person starts running away." You might also get "person gets shot, person drops to knees, person tries to get back up, person collapses." The variety of reactions helps make the game that much more interesting and real. It's quite the advancement from what we've become used to in the video game world.
I didn't really think this engine would be worth writing about until I "asked to borrow" a convertible from these two gentlemen that were waiting at a red light. I gently asked the driver to step out of the car. Once he did, I got in and urged the passenger to also exit the vehicle. As he was doing so, the driver decided that he wanted to be back in the driver's seat. He grabbed the door handle, attempting to open the door. I saw this and stepped on the gas. The ex-driver decided to hold on to the door handle, his body flapping in the breeze as I raced through the city streets. After a good mile or so, he decided to let go, waving goodbye as he tumbled down the sidewalk. Well, I think he was waving goodbye. His arm certainly was flailing.
Anywho, I took a moment to consider that when I first started playing games (Donkey Kong, Super Mario, Thudner Force III, etc.), the best technique was to memorize the patterns of the enemies and react accordingly. Now we have games that have dedicated engines for controlling random pedestrians that you may never come into contact with. It makes one wonder: why in the hell are there still fatal diseases?
I want to take a moment to reflect on the length of the GTA-themed part of today's blog as compared to the baby-themed part. I'm going to catch some flak from the wife for that.
I should be off. Like I said, there's so much yard work to be done. Before I depart, here's Today's Joke:
Hillary Clinton's strategy of last resort
Unable to revive her presidential campaign at the polls, Hillary Rodham Clinton now envisions a road to the nomination built on disputes over Democratic Party rules and fights over delegate selections. But on Wednesday even that route looked unattainable, with some key party officials warning that they would not cooperate with Clinton's strategy.
The party leaders' comments came as they digested Tuesday night's election results from Indiana and North Carolina -- results that extended Barack Obama's lead over Clinton in both the popular vote and nominating delegates and led some to conclude that the New York senator simply could not catch up.
Yesterday, Clinton announced that she is taking the advice of so many teen comedies from the 1980's. For every five superdelegates that drop support for Obama and move into Clinton's camp, she will remove one piece of clothing. If all goes as planned, she'll be accepting the party's nomination dressed in only a leopard-print bikini.
If that doesn't work, Clinton has threatened to force the Democratic party to award her the Michigan and Florida delegates. According to an unnamed party member, "At least the bikini plan is fair."
Hooray!
Tomorrow!
Psst! My neck has returned to full turn-ality. I've been looking left and right all morning long!
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